Friend, please
by Isabel394
Summary: Ryan Reeves is trapped. Not physically, that would be easier to handle. He was smart, he would've been able to figure a way out. But it wasn't physical. Mentally he was locked in battle with his own abusive mind. How can he survive? And will anyone bother to help him? T for swearing, homophobia and themes such as mental health, self harm, non-graphic rape and mentions of suicide.
1. Ode To Sleep

_"Petrified of who you are and who you have become, you will hide from everyone, denying you need someone to exterminate your bones." _\- Friend, Please by Twenty Øne Piløts

* * *

1:46am

The numbers shone vividly on Ryan's digital clock, burning into his retinas as he stared, unblinkingly, at it. He wasn't tired, in fact, this was early for him. He wouldn't be asleep for another few hours, if at all. His brain was just too loud, too fast. Ryan turned his head back to the ceiling. His eyes were accustomed to the dark so he was able to study the patterns in the paint. A mundane distraction, but a distraction all the same. Anything to reduce the white noise that was buzzing around in his mind. Whoever had painted his room last didn't do the greatest of jobs. You couldn't really tell with the walls because Ryan had covered them from head-to-toe with band posters and pictures of skateboarding tricks. But the ceiling remained bare and seemed to have been decorated in sections, with too much paint in some sections and hardly any paint in others, as if the decorator had tried out different styles in an attempt to find one that worked. Unfortunately, none of them had, so he had given up. Ryan thought that would make a good metaphor, if he could be bothered to think of one. But he couldn't, so he didn't. Maybe the decorator was just drunk.

Ryan tossed and turned for a long while as the part of his brain that so desperately wanted to fall asleep fought ruthlessly with the part that didn't. But the part that didn't drowned out the other with its screams, and Ryan gave up trying to fight it. He lay still and flat, before sighing once in annoyance and standing up, his feet meeting the rough carpet. He paced around the room, lost in thought but not really thinking about anything. It had been weeks since he'd slept properly and physically he was exhausted, but his mind took a bit longer to catch up, and when it did it was rather half-hearted; Ryan slept lightly and was regularly frequented by nightmares. But it was a slightly better option than walking around his bedroom in a failing attempt to quieten his thoughts, so he had to find a way to force his mind to close down.

Ryan paused in front of his window. On nights like this, he sometimes went out and wandered around town. The fresh air made it easier to get his thoughts in order which in turn made him tired. It didn't always work though, so it was really left as a last resort, especially since he had to use his window instead of the front door to lower the risk of getting caught. But Ryan was beginning to grow desperate, and besides, he'd started to feel somewhat trapped inside the four walls of his bedroom. A peaceful walk would do him good, or as peaceful a walk as a head suffocated with the branches of depression would allow.

So at... 1:58am, Ryan opened his window as slowly and quietly as he could, before letting his leg hang down the other side to search for the ledge he used for support. He had done this so many times in the last few years that he knew exactly where to go and, unbeknownst to most people, Ryan was actually a very good climber, what with his long legs and skinny build, so he found it scarily easy to clamber out of his second floor bedroom and shimmy down the thin drainpipe, landing safely onto the damp grass below. Such a clichéd act of escapism, found all the time in books and films. Ryan's life could be described as relatively cliché. The classic Young Adult novel. If he was in a book, he probably wouldn't be the protagonist, or at least, not the main one. He'd be the moody, wannabe gothic boy-next-door that the female protagonist would meet one day. She would be up late reading, or typing some kind of entry for her blog on her computer, and she'd look up, out of her window, and grow curious when she saw him scaling the side of his care home in the middle of the night. She would begin to study his movements, wait up every evening to catch a glimpse of him escaping, or perhaps she'd hear beautiful guitar music coming from the direction of his room. Eventually, after a freak meeting at the skatepark, where he'd intrigue her with deep, hand-written poetry and an accidental reveal about his traumatic past, she would fall head-over-heels in love with him. And it would end in either two, equally infuriating ways, often explored by the kind of authors that Ryan hated. He would leave clues dotted around all the places that the young couple had spent "special moments" together, post-it notes with lines of poetry, or a page ripped from a book, a quote underlined in pencil. The girl would follow them all, never losing hope until the final moment where she was forced to conclude that he had tragically ended his life, and when news spread of his demise, he would be remembered by all his peers as the equivalent of a war hero, crying bitterly at his funeral. Peers who conveniently forgot that not once had they tried to help him, or even ask whether he was okay once in a while. Instead they blatantly ignored him, save for the few occasions when they felt like hissing abuse at him from the back of the classroom. The protagonist would then be heartbroken for a few weeks, before her friends broke into her house and organised an "emergency sleepover" insisting that she move on.

Or, the story would end in the more preferable way chosen by authors; where the girl's love was so deep and true that after just a few months of being with her, Ryan was cured of whatever was making him sad, claiming that it was her eyes that had saved his life. And they'd live happily ever fucking after.

"Yeah right," Ryan thought bitterly. The unlikelihood of either ending happening to him was laughable. For starters, if this book involved a love story between Ryan and another person, it wouldn't be with a girl, which already would be a turn off for publishers, or even any directors who had been rubbing their hands in excitement at the prospect of another romance they could butcher. No, unfortunately for them, Ryan was not attracted to girls in any romantic sense. The thought of having a girlfriend and having to kiss her or touch her, simply made him uncomfortable. He had kissed a few girls in the past, but only to stop classmates whispering behind his back. He had felt nothing when he had been with them, though again, in a romantic sense. Not to be confused with his lack of feeling towards anything anyway.

The other problem he had with this story metaphor, which, by now had turned into an unreasonably long metaphor, was the author's tendency to... what were the words? "Romanticise mental health." He'd heard that phrase a lot and he hated how many books were guilty of it. So many people seemed to believe that mental illness not only had a simple cure, but that the cure was "true love". If the whole world wanted to live in fucking Disneyland, it was probably best if Ryan stayed away. No one could really understand what Ryan had to go through on a daily basis, the wars he had with his own mind, unless they'd properly experienced it. And those who had experienced it had already had a hard time helping themselves, so how could Ryan expect them to help him as well? If only true love was the answer. Although, if his only option of true love at the moment were a bunch of awkward, homophobic schoolmates then Ryan had a better chance of getting better as he was now.

There was a noise behind him and he stopped walking. It took him a second to realise that it must have just been a passing car from the main road, and then another second to notice his surroundings, and a final second to gather exactly where he was. Ryan was stood outside the park, around ten minutes away from Ashdene Ridge. It was so quiet, that he thought his own breath must be the loudest thing for miles, and the dark street was lit by nothing but a few flickering street lamps. Ryan took a few steps towards the park's rusty metal entrance and held onto the prison-like bars, cold on the skin of his hands and cheeks. Everything looked so different in the dark, like his own night-driven thoughts filtered into real life and made it all look just that bit more unnerving. The winter had caused the trees to lose their stylish green coats, a rather ironic metaphor if you thought about it, but the wind had blown them all away and now they were bare and shivering. In the daytime they had a certain charm about them, the morning dew made them sparkle in the sunlight. But at night they were intimidating and violent. Their twisted arms raised in attack, ready to strangle any unsuspecting loiterers. Ryan would normally have felt uneasy, but right now he felt rather peaceful. As if he was looking at a small part of his own mind from an outsider's perspective, from a distance. It couldn't hurt him. And for once, he felt he was in control.

Another car passed, making Ryan jump. He shook himself out of the trance he'd fallen into, something that happened far too often. He'd go too deep into his thoughts and have short periods of complete obliviousness to the rest of the world. If he didn't realise it in time he'd blank out in one place and "wake up" in another. One minute he was watching TV with Charlie, for example, and the next minute he was in his room, with no recollection at all of walking up the stairs from the living room. This scared Ryan a lot as it meant that one day he could find himself in a dangerous, perhaps life-threatening, situation and not even know how he ended up there, or how to get out. It was only a matter of time before he wandered into oncoming traffic and not even notice the car about to hit him before it was too late.

And now he was doing it again. If he could just stop fucking thinking, for two seconds, maybe he might actually achieve something. Ryan sighed and continued his pointless journey. Hands in pockets, head bent low. The surface of his mind now took control, the part that talked to him, usually only active when he was lying wide awake in bed. The rest of the time it was smothered by the deeper parts of his mind, the dark parts that somehow said everything without saying anything.

"You know," the surface suddenly piped up. "There is a way to stop thinking forever." Ryan actually stopped short at this. He knew what his mind was getting at and he didn't like it one bit that it had managed to get there. He started running. He didn't acknowledge what he was doing, nor focus on where he was running to, he just wanted to get away from the place he had been. If he ran fast enough perhaps he could escape from the unwanted images that his brain produced, and if not that then, at least his body would be so focused on not having a heart attack that it wouldn't have time to send him death threats.

He didn't stop until he became aware of his footsteps, piercing the silence every half second. He almost collapsed onto the pavement and had to support himself with a nearby lamp post while he caught his breath, his lungs now on fire. Once his breathing had slowed and he was able to stand upright he looked around the abandoned street and worked out that he was now around twenty minutes away from Ashdene Ridge. He decided not to take the long route back like he usually did since it was too cold to stay out here for long and Ryan hadn't brought his coat. He didn't really notice the cold but he knew if he stayed outside for much longer he'd probably get very sick, and Ryan didn't want an excuse to stay in bed any more than he had to. Besides, the freezing air was stinging his eyes, and his legs were struggling to support him after his unexpected burst of energy. He had succeeded in making himself tired, and now what he wanted, no, _needed,_ was sleep.

Twenty minutes later, he was back underneath his window, and in a few quick movements, he was on top of his bed, not even bothering to undress, and very soon he lay still and calm, his head finally listening to the rest of his body. His eyes were shut and his breathing was low. 2:38 am. This was a record. Maybe there was still hope of getting better.

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Okay, so definitely a little different from my previous Scorbus fanfictions, but I'm planning on this becoming my main "project" now. I really hope y'all like it, and I'll try and update as regularly as i can, but this hoe is in the middle of GCSE studies, so finding the time to write is gonna be tricky, but I will try as hard as i can to not let this fanfiction become *shudders* discontinued. Reviews would be awesome, especially since I know how small the fanbase is for The Dumping Ground, so hopefully this gets even a notice. Things you might want to know before I continue:

1\. Yes, in case you haven't guessed yet, Ryan is gay.

2\. Any love interests will probably be OCs

3\. Don't click off, I too hate OCs as much as the next person, especially in The Dumping Ground fanbase where most fanfictions are riddled with OCs. None of my own characters will be residents of Ashdene Ridge, they will simply be there as school characters, and relationship purposes.

4\. This fanfiction is set around, or just after, series 6, though I might touch on a few elements of the new series, for example, the slight friendship that seems to have formed between Ryan and Charlie. Though, I'm going to be expanding it here, mainly cos I love Charlie and I would like to write about her.

5\. The title and quote at the beginning of the fic is from a Twenty Øne Piløts song by the same name, and I _really_ recommend listening to it, I feel like it suits Ryan a lot, or at least, the Ryan in this fic.

7\. Cover image is from Lewis G Hamilton's Instagram. All credit goes to him and the photographer. Hope i did that right, although honestly i wouldnt mind if Lewis copyrighted me, please take my money, you need more make up, you fabulous queen (seriously hAVE YOU SEEN HIS MAKE UP SKILLS? AM STILL IN AWE).

6\. Uhhh, I think that's it? Any questions I'll answer in the author's notes of later chapters, so feel free to ask :)

Anything else?

...

Brendon Urie is our lord and saviour. Also stream Trench on ITunes


	2. Fake It

Sometime during the morning, Ryan fell into a state that people usually only experience when they fall asleep unexpectedly during the day. He knew it was just a symptom of his permanent exhaustion, but it still never failed to scare him slightly. Ryan was half asleep, but his forever active mind failed to realise this, meaning that he was almost fully aware of his surroundings, but his limbs refused to move. And to make things even more confusing, his brain had conjured up a perfectly clear image of his bedroom, seen from the perspective of where Ryan lay, so he was tricked into believing that his eyes were open.

It was anyone's guess how he hadn't grown accustomed to it by now, and it had happened so many times that Ryan had begun to think of it in stages. He felt that this added an air of logic to it, and therefore made it easier to handle. The scariest stage was stage one: Paralysis. Where the movement of his body was out of his control and he felt trapped, weak, vulnerable. Unable to perform simple actions. Stage two was Hallucinations, where his mind would create layers of realistic scenarios, making him only vaguely aware of his true consciousness. He hated this part as well. It was as if he could no longer trust his own eyes, which simply added to his position of powerlessness. Stage three, the irrational but unfortunately unavoidable, was rising panic, where he felt waves of claustrophobia and became convinced that he would never escape from this eternal, artificial state his brain had forced him into. However, within a few hour-like seconds, stage four would take place and Ryan would finally start to regain some form of control, and abruptly return to reality.

He was entering stage three now. His mind had begrudgingly accepted that the body was still flat out refusing to budge, and it had gone back to sleep. But the image of his bedroom stayed where it was, now incorporated into his dreams, so they became more like alternate realities.

His bedroom was underwater. It was dark and heavy, not peaceful and calm like it was supposed to be. Ryan felt scared to breathe in case he drowned.

He shook his head.

His bedroom was completely empty, save for the bed he was lying on. His walls had been stripped bare and the paint was peeling. Sunlight streamed in through cracked and dirty windows.

He shook his head.

If anyone were to walk into his room right at this moment, they'd immediately assume that he was having some sort of fit. He had to keep shaking his head to try and snap out of the loop he'd unwillingly fallen into. He wasn't able to tell if he was awake or not and his body still wouldn't move. If he didn't snap out of it fast enough, his anxiety would start to rise and make things worse, because he'd still be stuck, he just wouldn't be able to breathe.

Eventually he fell into a reality where his ceiling was covered in spiders. They were the harmless, slow kind but their legs were disturbingly long, and right above him. This motivated him enough to keep shaking his head until his eyes were forced open and his limbs gradually came back to life. He rolled over onto his back so his eyes were level with the, now thankfully spider-free ceiling. He used the palm of his hand to push his hair away from his eyes and he kept it there on his forehead, taking deep breaths to calm down.

'Can't even fucking wake up normally,' he thought, cursing his stupid brain.

He lay there for a couple of minutes, with no motivation whatsoever to get out from under the covers. He'd used it all just trying to bloody wake up. He didn't want to go downstairs, and interact with people between whom there was a mutual disdain for. Perhaps if he stayed still and quiet enough everyone would just, forget about his existence and leave him alone forever. He'd enjoy that. He would be untouched and undisturbed by reality, and in return he wouldn't screw everything up like he always did just by being there. It would be much more peaceful, for all parties involved.

"Ryan! You're gonna be late!" Called Mike from the stairway, shattering Ryan's peaceful and isolated contemplations. He audibly groaned and buried his head under the pillows. What did he care? The less time he spent at school the better in his opinion. But obviously, Mike would beg to differ, and besides, Ryan had important daily exams that were too important to miss, no excuse required. So, after using up the last of what he imagined as an emergency energy store, Ryan forced himself to stand up, made harder by his legs, which hadn't quite recovered from the night before. He stretched them a little and stumbled over to his wardrobe, his reflection not a welcoming sight in the full length mirror. His light brown hair was standing on end, and he had somehow forgotten that he was still fully dressed. He had to change of course. Mike would notice that he wasn't in his school clothes.

Ryan opened the wardrobe doors and stared blankly at the contents inside. His selection of shirts weren't great. He had several normal shirts and a black hoodie, but the rest were somewhat unashamedly music related, with band images on the front. He hardly wore them, since they were the kind of bands you got teased for, the one thing Ryan wanted to completely avoid. So he usually just settled for his signature red-checked shirt. And obviously for school he had his uniform. Most of the uniform had been shoved to the back of his cupboard, and the rest was strewn around the room. He spent around five minutes collecting it all into a pile, and threw it on. His shirt was creased and he'd lost both the tie and the jumper ages ago. But as long as it was clean he didn't care. He found the shoes kicked to the side, and slipped them on. After a quick mess around with his fringe, trying and ultimately failing to make it flop over his eyes, he grabbed his school bag, opened his door onto the landing and descended into the kitchen.

* * *

"There you are. I was about to call international rescue." Ryan jumped at the sudden voice and turned around. He hadn't noticed Charlie behind him.

"Those amateurs," he replied, quickly regaining his composure. "They started panicking and I had to drive the helicopter myself. It's parked out back, near the shed." Charlie laughed. A short exhale of breath. She was leaning against the porch wall with her arms loosely crossed, schoolbag swinging against her knees. Ryan turned toward the gates and Charlie pushed herself up into a standing position to follow. It had become routine now. Ryan was usually the last person to leave the house, so he and Charlie, who would wait for Ryan at the door, walked alone in general silence to school, sharing Ryan's earphones, which were plugged into his phone. They did the same coming back from school. Ryan would never willingly admit it, but it was his favourite part of the day. Perhaps it was simply because he didn't have a lot of stuff to compare it to, his days generally being pretty shitty, but Charlie was basically his only friend and he tried hard to maintain their friendship since it never failed to elude him why someone like Charlie would ever willingly hang around with someone like him on a daily basis, and he was worried that one day she'd realise her mistake and go back to hating him like everyone else. But so far she was sticking around, and Ryan liked the quiet walks.

"I saw you last night. By the way." She suddenly revealed, breaking the silence, and causing Ryan to pause in the middle of digging around in his pockets for his earphones. She said it softly, as if she was trying to break some bad news to him.

"What the hell were you doing up so late?" Ryan asked, annoyed that he apparently hadn't been as careful as he thought he had, and surprised that he hadn't been the only one awake.

"I'm asking you the same question, Ryan. I thought you said you were going to stop sneaking out. I keep telling you it's dangerous."

"I know, I know it's dangerous but... I'm careful! and, it helps, alright? Sometimes I just need to get out of the house, be on my own." He sighed. "Just stop worrying, I'll be fine." Charlie sighed as well, an exasperated sigh, like a mother would give when her child was being difficult.

"You don't know that, though." Ryan decided to ignore her. He shoved his earphones into his ears and blasted some eighties song, not bothering to let her listen.

Most of the time he really liked Charlie, and he liked that she seemed to care about him, something that he was by no means used to. But Ryan, being his usual closed off, private self, didn't enjoy it much when she interrogated him about his bad habits. He knew she was just being a friend, but Ryan hadn't had much experience in that particular field. So he wasn't great at accepting it, and though he too cared about Charlie, he was very bad at expressing this fact, so he pissed her off a lot. And vice versa. Such an unlikely friendship, when you thought about it.

The two didn't talk for the rest of the journey. This was normal, but usually the atmosphere between them was light hearted and neutral, so the slight chill this time wasn't pleasant. And Charlie had her arms crossed, obviously annoyed at him for deliberately trying to drown her out with his music. Ryan didn't give in, though. He knew it'd all be forgotten by the time school was over, and they'd walk back side by side, sharing a single playlist. However easily they pissed each other off, they usually found the eventual make up even easier. An unlikely friendship, but somehow it worked.

* * *

The local secondary school was a plain, red-bricked building, located just outside the suburbs, in the middle of two long residential streets. The large, semi-detached houses surrounding the building cowered in its shadow, like the tiny year sevens tiptoeing around the tough sixth form bullies.

Ryan hated the place. Socially speaking, he was never very good at school. The kids from all his various care homes always made it clear that they didn't want to be associated with him in public, and his normal classmates didn't want to be associated with a care kid. So he was forever stuck in the middle of an unfair social circle. However, acedemically, Ryan was fine. Better than fine actually, he was in the top set for most of his classes, so the teachers regarded him highly, despite his downright rudeness towards some of them. Obviously though, getting on with teachers was not something he could brag about in a public, comprehensive secondary school, but it certainly came in handy sometimes.

Unfortunately, having good grades was a small part of school. Once you'd gotten to a high enough level, exams were no longer your main problem. Surviving became your main problem. In the two years Ryan had attended this place, he'd avoided a majority of the expected hassle by talking back at teachers, picking on the new kids and enthusiastically joining in on any "girl talk" in the boys' locker room. Basically, what he'd done was make himself entirely invisible. He lied about his grades, his interests, his music taste. His sexuality most importantly. Anything that might make him a target, Ryan had found a way to temporarily erase it. It wasn't fun.

"Yeah mate, I love Post Malone's music," Ryan would say to some kid at lunch, with only a vague idea of who _Post Malone _was. But asking for an opinion on Tyler Joseph or Vic Fuentes would be a cause for looks, scoffs and merciless teasing, so he avoided it. In fact he generally just avoided conversation altogether. Apart from Charlie, Ryan didn't have friends, merely companions whom he could sit next to at lunch. They were only good for a quick chat, or text, or message on WhatsApp, and maybe not even that. They would be of no use in the unlikely event that Ryan would phone someone up in the midst of a mental breakdown and expect to have an in depth and enlightening discussion. Most likely in that scenario they'd tell him to piss off and then hang up. Or ask to use his games console.

However, Ryan was relatively content with his general isolation. The less people he talked to, the less likely it was that any information that could, and definitely would be used against him would get passed around. But keeping up the facade was exhausting, and countless times he had been tempted to give it up, but then he'd hear a mean-looking Year 11 claim that some student he didn't know was "bent", and be met with immature laughter and shouts of "fag!" or "queer!". And Ryan couldn't help feeling waves of anxiety whenever he found himself within earshot of these regular groups, and as he walked past them, his wall of pretence gained an extra row of bricks.

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Okay so these first two chapters have kinda been an introduction to Ryan, his situation, and the story in general, so that's why there's such a dramatic difference between descriptions to dialogue ratio. But hopefully it sounds good, mainly because I wrote the majority of this in between writing essays on the Cold War and bopping to The White Stripes and Fun Boy Three- uh, I mean algebra... I was doing algebra, mum.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who reviewed (I ACTUALLY GOT REVIEWS! HEY MA, I'M FAMOUS!) They were all so amazing that I feel,like I'm going to have to reply to them all individually... don't me.

Justice237- Your review was so awesome and I'm still over here smiling like a loon. Thank you so much! I agree with all you said about the OCs. I stopped reading the fanfics on WP as I just didn't like the OCs. I hate it most though when OCs are residents of Ashdene Ridge. I'm alright with separate OCs from like school or something, as long as they're well-written, because we don't really have a choice with that. It's hard writing a Ryan/Boy fic cos the only real non-OC choice is Alex, and honestly I'm not keen on Alex's character, so I find it pretty hard to ship them. Anyway, all that in mind, hopefully Ryan's OC bf will fit well and readers will like him. And also omg yes, I have read A Broken Masquerade Mirror and I guess I'm gonna have to slightly reevaluate my dislike of OC residents because that story was brilliant, really well-written. I totally agree that it's quite possibly the most sophisticated TDG fanfiction on the internet. Anyway, thank you so much again for your amazing review, I loved reading it. Also, lmao "depressed, gay, insomniac" is now the title of my goddamn biography,

Dark Heart 945- Thank you, thank you so much I'm screaming again and also *tries to stay calm in the face of someone else who knows Brendon Urie* GOTTA ADD IN THAT PROMO, BITCHES! Seriously though, thank you for your review, I really appreciate it. Sorry that you don't like Charlie as much, I admit she's not a common choice for *cough* second favourite character (obviously Ryan will always be first) and tbh I only really started liking her recently, mainly from writing this fic. Also my gay ass thinks she's hella cute. She's mainly just here for plot purposes though. At the moment I'm not planning any other Ryan fics, since this one is already taking up most of my time, and I want to focus on it as much as possible, but maybe when I've finished I'll write a few Ryan one-shots. In fact, it is very likely I will, I have a lot of headcanons.

CharlieSMarts12- Okay, i am smiling already at your review, it is so awesome, seriously this kind of positive feedback really motivates me to write, cos I'm so convinced my writing's terrible. So thank you so much! Hopefully I can keep my writing up to standard. The stakes are high now. I was no expecting any, let alone good reactions to this story. How many times can I say thank you? I'm gonna say it again. Thank you!

ScorbusIsCanon20- I KNEW IT WAS YOU FROM LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW WORDS (and also your username) AND I'M SCREAMING. YOU, MY SCORBUS FRIEND, ARE AMAZING! How can I even convey how much I appreciate our friendship? Over two years of DMing in all caps lock is honestly not enough. Without wanting to sound like I'm giving an acceptance speech at the Oscars, you have supported my writing from the very beginning and that support has not wavered once. So thank you. Lmao I don't even know if this chapter's good, I just needed to give you a shout out just for being awesome. And anyone who reads this is contractually obliged to appreciate you. (She's also an incredible writer go read her fanfiction over on AO3 called "The Inevitable Fate" whether you're a fan of Harry Potter or not, it's beautiful okay bye.) Always!

Linneagb- Thank you for your review, I will try and update as much as I can. And yes, I'm not keen on OCs. Not all OCs of course, some are really interesting and well-written. I'm not compartmentalising all OCs as terrible. I'd be pretty hypocritical if I did. But too many TDG fanfictions are based around OCs, and that can get on my nerves sometimes. But I'm really not trying to shit on anyone's writing, I promise. I appreciate it all, and I like that people are creating their own characters and sharing them. It's just not something I like to read all the time. (Did this make any sense? XD) anyway, thank you again for your review. I'm glad you found the story interesting.

Flower- I am very happy to hear you weren't bored for long, and your review was actually really nice, so thank you! Short and sweet it was! I love that. I'll definitely update when I can. If I ever let this fanfiction become discontinued, please come to my house and lock me up till I finish it. Basically what I mean is, even if there's a long wait between chapters, it is very unlikely I've stopped it permanently. Unless I'm like dead or something. That would be pretty shitty.

Okay so! That was an outrageously long author's note! Probably longer than the actual short ass, shitty chapter. Ah well, reading's good for you. The dinosaurs didn't read and look what happened to them. I'm just the one who has to type all this out (I'm even drafting the author's note cos that's the kind of edgy bitch I am.)

I'm sorry if there's a bit of a wait until chapter three. By the time I had published chapter one, I was already around 3/4 through chapter two. But now I'm starting chapter three from scratch, with only a vague idea of what it's about. But! I'm gonna do my best to publish it soon. Also I have said the word OC eleven times during this. Fear me.

Also, next chapter I'm planning on introducing the OC "love interest", but I'm still knocking around a few names, at the moment my main choice is Levi. Thought? Any ideas would be cool, SO feel free to suggest some names. If I end up using one I'll credit you. Though I've gotten kind of set on Levi so idk. One more thing, what did you think of the new episode? i liked the part where Ryan existed and he was so done with literally everything. Because same. Ryan isnt evil he just dislikes human interaction, and honestly that's fair.

...

Frank Gioia and Gerard Way co-wrote My Immortal.


	3. The Boy With a Thorn In His Side

Ryan and Charlie pushed their way into the small but rowdy group of teenagers forming in front of the gated entrance and trudged across the gravel towards the open doors. The bell rang, loud and piercing and the low hum of morning conversation was interrupted by the familiar sound of locker doors slamming and a cacophony of plimsolls on the concrete floor. This was usually where Ryan and Charlie parted ways, since she was unfortunately in a different class, further away from his, so she rarely stayed outside with him and waited for the herd of students to disperse. Sometimes she did, on what he called 'bad anxiety days' and his risk of a panic attack was higher than usual. She was the voice of reason that kept his paranoia under control.

Ryan wasn't great with crowds. He very easily got claustrophobic, and the obliviousness of everyone, shoving him aside and shouting over his head (which was an impressive feat at the best of times, what with Ryan being a good head taller than a lot of people) was a cause of great stress. So being a few minutes late to class was very much worth the price of having to duck into the nearest bathroom, hiding out in a stall, five-seconds-in-seven-seconds-out, and missing a majority of the lesson anyway.

Charlie understood all this and so never really questioned his behaviour. She waved, the tension between them already fraying. He waved back. And watched her get swallowed by the crowd.

The halls cleared quite quickly; only a few stragglers were left, collecting books or finishing up texts. Ryan was relatively okay with this since it was no longer suffocating, although now he was exposed to these last few eyes. At least in a crowd he'd be invisible. It was a vicious cycle, and one that Ryan had to deal with constantly.

He took a deep breath and headed towards his form room, keeping his eyes straight ahead. It was two, perhaps three minute walk with a lot of stairs to scale, but the lesson never started immediately so he figured he'd make it around the same time as his teacher. He preferred it that way. He hated sitting alone, pissed off at the nonsensical shouting and paranoid that any whispers or giggles were directed at him. He was perfectly happy just sneaking in unnoticed when everyone else was in the process of settling down and hiding at the back, observing and ignoring.

The first lesson was maths, which Ryan considered to be his best subject. This meant that he was quite skilled in following along with the work without actually really listening, so teachers had a hard time trying to catch him out if they suspected that his focus was elsewhere. However, the flaw here was that if they weren't explaining formulas or how to do calculations that Ryan already knew, and therefore didn't need to really think about, he couldn't fully take in what was being said. So when Mr. Harrison began class by introducing a new student, Ryan was hardly aware of the kid until he actually stood up, and broke Ryan's autopilot mode.

"Everyone, this is Thomas," Harrison announced, indicating to the boy next to him with an all too enthusiastic smile. "He's going to be joining our class from now on." Ryan stared at the new guy, more out of plain boredom than general interest. Thomas was tall and awkward, fidgeting a little and averting his eyes from the gaze of judgemental teenagers. Ryan didn't take much notice. He'd decided long ago that anyone who atteneded this school wasn't really worth his time. However, writing off all classmates from the very beginning didn't automatically mean he had to deny those who were relatively good looking. And Thomas, it didn't fail to register, was good looking. In the few minutes Ryan got to look at him before he sat down near the front, he managed to memorise a pretty good amount of the boy's features. Thomas had smooth, light brown skin and wavy black hair, almost to the point of full curls. His face also seemed to match his age, rounded but sharp in the right places, like he'd grown into it properly. Whereas all the other students had either experienced puberty during primary school and now looked more suited for college, or students who had somehow missed puberty altogether, and were no taller than first years, with equally high voices. Personality-wise as well, Thomas already seemed different. He appeared to be pretty shy and judging by his neat uniform and attentive posture, wasn't going to pretend he was some areshole bad boy, an occurrence that happened all too often within classrooms. Basically, Thomas just didn't seem to fit. And that, concluded Ryan, finally turning back to his text book, was by no means a bad thing.

* * *

During the two hour lunch period, Ryan kept himself to himself, since Charlie had some club meeting and, again he didn't really have any other friends. Ryan tended to avoid the canteen altogether, not really seeing the point of it. It was crowded, noisy and if he was that desperate to get the piss taken out of him by a bunch of people he didn't care about, he'd just stay home. His hunger was never particularly acute anyway. So Ryan, head bent low, earphones in, snuck out the large double doors to the empty courtyard outside, breathing in the rare moment of peace he was met with. It was a shame that the actual eating part of lunch was so short. Ryan liked the quiet and deserted playground and made the most of it by sitting on the one bench that overlooked the whole area. He simply sat, and thought, and breathed. Then the peace was shattered by the first wave of students trickling through the doors, shouting and laughing and, once they'd spotted Ryan trying not to scowl in their direction, staring curiously. At Ryan the weird kid who had no friends and didn't eat. Ryan the controversial pupil who you either idolised for his bad boy persona and sarcastic remarks, or hated for the same reasons. Most people were a part of the latter group. A lot of them were unaware of his friendship with Charlie, which was a good thing for her since his presence would probably taint her general popularity. She had clubs and events and a social life. Ryan had the wall at the back of the school where he chainsmoked cigarettes, conveniently provided by Year 12's resident druggie, Stephen Malleck.

"Alright?" Greeted Stephen as Ryan leant against the red bricks, still scowling for no real reason. He nodded in Steve's direction.

"Never better," he muttered. Steve rummaged around in his pockets and produced a pack of regular cigarettes.

"Sure you don't want a joint?" He offered. Ryan rolled his eyes. Aside from his crappy attempt at street lingo, Steve asked him that every day. The answer was always no but Steve was annoyingly persistent. Ryan kind of hated the guy.

"Yeah, like I'd waste my money on drugs. I'm not that far gone yet, mate."

"Alright, dick." It was very likely that Steve hated him back, but business was business. And his fags were cheap.

Ryan was sitting on the ground, his left arm resting on his knee and his right holding his half burned-out cigarette. He was, as usual, deep in thought, his eyes glued to the fence across from him. He didn't notice someone walk round the corner until Steve piped up.

"What do you want?" He demanded. The interrogative tone already told Ryan that it wasn't a teacher, nor anyone of importance, so he simply jumped at the interruption. Looking up he saw that the intruder was the new kid.

"Sorry. I was just, trying to find somewhere quiet. To finish my book," he explained, as clarification. Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Nerd," scoffed Steve. Tom looked at him, with what appeared to be an exasperated expression. Quite a bold emotion towards someone who's so far only said five words to you. He looked Steve up and down, with an ever so slight sneer playing on his lips.

"Yeah well, at least I read more than just drug pamphlets," he replied, in a weak attempt to sound intimidating. Although Ryan was rather impressed with the confidence. Maybe the guy wasn't as shy as he first thought. He raised an eyebrow again, the only reaction he could be bothered to give, but it was more against Steve this time than Tom.

"Piss off, how do you know about that?"

"Oh come off it," Ryan laughed. "Even the teachers know, they just can't catch you. God knows why though, you're so thick."

"Well you're a twat so shut up." Tom looked both uncomfortable and amused. Ryan didn't like that. He ignored Steve completely.

"You can sit here," Ryan offered. "It's quiet. Or at least, it's supposed to be." Tom studied the two of them. It suddenly occurred to Ryan that they probably looked pretty pathetic. He took a hard drag on his cigarette.

"No, thanks." Replied Tom, in a way that seemed to confirm Ryan's suspicions. "I think the nerd and loser group is looking for someone more popular. You can stay here and sell drugs to twelve year olds."

"For the record," defended Ryan "I'm not associated with this creep." Steve made a face. "I just like the occasional smoke. Not a crime, new kid."

"Whatever. 'S not like you're doing anything to stop him. And you know smoking's bad for you, right?" Ryan was now highly pissed off and wished he'd never opened his mouth. He blew smoke in Tom's direction, hoping to create a fug thick enough to block him out. Tom wafted it away, rather obnoxiously.

"Yeah thanks, I've seen the ads." Ryan turned away, indicating that Tom's existence was now, in his eyes, entirely insignificant, and a somewhat nuisance. Tom just sighed once and left.

"He was a right dickhead." Steve observed, for absolutely no reason that Ryan could see except perhaps to diffuse the tension.

"Yeah, didn't know you had a brother."

* * *

For the remaining part of the day, Ryan hardly saw Tom again, despite them sharing nearly all the same classes. It wasn't as if Ryan was deliberately avoiding him, he didn't know the guy well enough for that, but he by no means went out of his way to do what the teacher had instructed and "make Thomas feel welcome.' In fact he took rather a lot of pleasure in doing the opposite. After history, when they all needed to file off to the computer room, Ryan and Tom found themselves the last two left in the classroom, so Tom was forced to ask Ryan for directions to the next lesson. Ryan knew it was a pretty cruel thing to do, and he felt slightly bad after he had said it. After all, Tom wasn't a bad guy, they'd just got off on the wrong foot. But sometimes Ryan just couldn't stop himself and he ended up sending Tom off on a wild goose chase all around the school, when in reality the ICT room was only a few doors away. Tom turned up ten minutes late, red-faced and out of breath and, once the teacher had finished scolding him in front of everyone, utterly humiliated. He'd basically experienced one of the worst parts of being new and had Ryan been in his situation he'd want to be immediately swallowed up by the earth. Tom appeared to share this fantasy and the look he gave Ryan as he sat down almost made Ryan shrink into his seat, and he felt quite glad to be under the watchful eye of a teacher.

"You are a twat, aren't you?" Spat Tom at Ryan when the bell rang again. Ryan just looked at him, smirking.

"Sorry, did I give you the wrong directions?" He replied, his voice as usual dripping with sarcasm. Tom stared at him with slight disgust.

"Just stay away from me." Ryan's face melted back into his signature scowl.

"Gladly," he muttered, deliberately pushing past him.

* * *

Ryan felt perfectly content with never thinking about Tom again for the rest of the school year, especially considering they'd only existed in each other's lives for a few unpleasant hours, although they already seemed destined to become life-long enemies. This annoyed Ryan considerably since he already had so many enemies that it was hard to keep track of them all. And it was kind of exhausting being hated all the time.

After another few hours and having successfully avoided anymore altercations with new students, it was finally home-time, and Ryan felt fairly certain that he was in the clear now until tomorrow. So he was more than a little disgruntled to see Tom standing next to Charlie outside the school gates, chatting and laughing with her, acting like they were old friends.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan interrogated, rather unreasonably he noted. Tom seemed to notice as well, and with a cocky grin, replied "what, on the pavement? Outside of school? Well, Ryan, you see I don't actually live here. I have to, you know, leave." He laughed mockingly. And Ryan didn't like someone using his name so confidently if he hadn't actually introduced himself to them which, he suddenly realised, he hadn't.

"Good so why don't you, you know, _leave_ then?" Charlie was turning her head between to two, like she was watching a tennis match.

"You guys, know each other I suppose?" She said, as more of a statement than a question.

"We've met," confirmed Tom, looking at Ryan like he very much regretted this fact. "You know him too?" He asked Charlie.

"Yeah, he's my friend. He lives at Ashdene Ridge. The care home I was telling you about." Ryan stared at her, in a way which suggested that he was both surprised and disapproved of the amount of information she was giving. Especially since it involved him.

"You live with him? Wow, poor you." Tom said it jokey, just in case it offended Charlie, but the meaning was certainly there. Charlie laughed at Ryan tense features.

"Relax, he'd find out anyway. We were partnered in geography. He's coming over to work on a project." It took all of Ryan's willpower not to groan out loud and roll his eyes. This couldn't be anymore typical and Ryan outwardly showed his displeasure by walking silently ahead of them, once again refusing to share his music. He was sulking basically, with the support of a Muse album. However, as much as he ignored them, they ignored him even more. Charlie kept giggling at Tom's stupid jokes.

When they neared the house, Ryan was very tempted to just walk straight past and keep walking for hours until he was sure Tom had gone home. But they'd definitely notice and Tom would probably guess it was his fault, which meant admitting that Tom was somehow getting to him. And Ryan would rather impale himself on the gates than do that. By now, his pride was all he had left.

So Ryan, without saying a word to anybody, let himself inside the house and went immediately upstairs to his room, half-slamming his door and glueing himself to his bed for the next two hours watching re-run after re-run of _The Inbetweeners _on his laptop. But despite having a similar, albeit very offensive, humour as the show, it didn't improve his mood much, and only when he heard the front door close at around five thirty was he able to slightly unclench his jaw.

He went downstairs after he saw Tom turn the corner at the end of the driveway, and caught Charlie by the door, waving in the same direction.

"He's already gone you know," sneered Ryan. "Don't have to keep waving." Charlie turned to him and frowned.

"What do you have against Tom?" She demanded, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

"Eh? Nothing. Why would I have anything against him?" Ryan defended.

"Oh, um I dunno, maybe because you've been rude and moody ever since school ended and Tom walked home with us."

"Well why couldn't you have gone over to his? Instead of blabbing about this place, and telling him _I _live here as well. He didn't need to know that!"

"Okay, well for your information, he lives too far away. It was more convenient coming here. And why are you making such a big deal about this anyway?" In all honesty, Ryan didn't really know. Tom hadn't exactly ruined his life, he'd just said a few annoying comments, and mainly in retaliation to Ryan who was more in the wrong here. But there was just something about him, which Ryan couldn't quite put his finger on. He just knew he didn't want Tom to come round here and spend hours locked away in Charlie's room.

"There's something about him. I don't like it," concluded Ryan.

"Well I don't care what you think, because it's not up to you. And besides, I think he's very nice. And cute."

"Sure I guess, if you like that kind of thing."

"What kind of _thing_?" She airquoted his word.

"I dunno. He's a bit... full of himself. Thinks he's so funny."

"Okay, you know you just described yourself." Ryan cracked a grin.

"And you like that?" With a slight flourish he swung himself around the banister and replaced the grin with a wishful smile. "Well thanks, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I only think of you as a friend, sweetheart." There'd been too much tension between the two so far and Ryan needed to bring it back before they started properly arguing. He'd improved at recognising when he was being unreasonable. And he _was_ being rather unreasonable at the moment.

"Oh shut up!" Charlie pushed him lightly in the chest so he'd swing backwards, but she was smiling again. "You're just jealous because he has better hair than you." Ryan put his hands on the rail and rested his chin on them, pretending to look into the distance and mock sighed in defeat.

"Yes. That's what this is all about. Tomorrow we're battling to the death. With hair gel as our chosen weapon. Blood _will _be spilt."

Mike called them for dinner and the day's events had all but evaporated from Ryan's mind by the time he had entered the kitchen. He suddenly realised that he wasn't as angry as he initially thought because he didn't actually care enough about the things he was supposedly angry about. Thomas wouldn't bother him again. Ryan was sure of it.

* * *

_Author's Note_:

Oof okay I am so so sorry for the ridiculously long wait. I wasn't expecting to take this long. Most of the wait was just me procrastinating typing all this out cos I thought it'd be a bitch. But turns out... I was completely right, everything hurts and the English language doesn't even exist anymore. I've also been in mourning after the episode-that-shall-not-be-named and have spent my time listening to The Beatles because out of all my favourite bands they remind me the least of Ryan, and even that's questionable, (it's taken me a whole week to be able to listen to tøp again and I haven't even attempted to listen to Night Visions by Imagine Dragons cos too many songs on that album remind me of that fabulous Scouser bastard... seriously though have y'all HEARD Bleeding Out that shit has such a Ryan vIBE!?) I also wrote a a whole ass essay about How Ryan Staying Can Be Considered Canon and it is pretty damn flawless if I do say so myself so I'm good, we're all good wE'RE ALL FINE WHY ARE YOU AL ?

...

Alexa play I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance...

Anyway, lemme quickly explain the OC's name. I think I initially chose Levi simply because I used it as a filler name while writing and then it just stuck, but Dark Heart 945 made a good point, it did kind of sound like an anime character (although as a self-proclaimed anime NERD, that's not too much of a bad thing) but then I thought if I gave the character a 'T' name the ship name would be Tyan and I like the irony of that. Is it weird? Maybe, but damn it I love the name Thomas.

Okay, I think I'll reply to the reviews and then we'll end this cos why is my speciality turning into stupidly long author's notes?

Dark Heart 945- first of all, I've suddenly realised that you're the author of 'Demons' and can I just say, I LOVED that fanfiction like the way Ryan talked with all of his different demons was so cool, I legit screamed about it with my Twitter mutual when I found it cos I've dragged her into the Ryan trashdom and we both love Imagine Dragons and your fic was exactly what I needed (I left a guest review ages ago which was basically me fangirling over the IG references cos yes Demons suits Ryan so much like hOly. I even listened to it while reading it, no regrets.) Anyway, thanks for the name suggestions they were awesome and I came really close to using a few (I loved Caleb and Xand) sorry I ended up choosing Thomas but I hope you like it! And oh god that episode I swear, it's taken me a while to move on from it and that's only because I've convinced my brain that Ryan hasn't actually left. Oof FOB is both a great choice and a terrible choice because it a very Ryan band, but their songs are such bops so it does kinda help? Idk being a British emo is confusing. I really hope we see Lewis in other parts, he's such a great actor. And I'll love him in anything probably.

Justice237- Thank you so much for your review, it was awesome. Ya sleep paralysis is scary, I have unfortunately had the misfortune to experience it a few times, in fact, fun fact, the way Ryan experienced it in that chapter was bAseD oN a tRuE sToRy and all that. I wanted to write about it because it's so abstract I wanted to see if I could describe it well, and then I added it in cos it kinda fit ig. Yes I agree about Charlie, she is a well-written character and Emily is perfect for the role and I love the slight friendship they formed in Face Your Fears. Ryan seriously just needs a friend. I hate how the writers are so adamant to make him this loner that everyone hates. It's like, as soon as Ryan shows his good side, the next episode is just him being extra evil. THE BOY NEEDS A HUG GODDAMMIT. Oof yeah school can be really harsh sometimes and hiding yourself is unfortunately a necessity sometimes. I've been lucky to not get much shit from people, and it's good to hear that you've found good friends at uni! Yeah, I should probably check out WP again, in all honestly I'm not that keen on the site itself. It keeps lagging and shit. I just prefer this site to any other. Ugh I know! The way Ryan left was so sudden and unexplained like what? He doesn't get fostered in the end so why does he leave? To work in a stables? As in,,, the Saturday job? BOY WHERE ARE YOU LIVING? AND WITH WHOMST? Ryan still had so many more potential storyline and I am SO mad that the backstory episode that we've been waiting fo for years was in the same episode as the one he left. Honestly I am so salty and I rEFUSE. But holy shit that was goodav acting in the flat, you are right that climax was perfection. I honestly nearly started sobbing with Ryan like my sON. anyhowsers, thanks again for reviewing! I hope you liked this chapter:)

CharlieSMarts12- Thank you so so much, your review was amazing, it meant a lot. I'm glad you like the friendship between Ryan and Charlie, I'm enjoying writing it. It's time Ryan got a friend, he really needs one. Just one person he can trust and be himself around. And Charlie is such a sweet person so she's a pretty good candidate. And yes, tøp is incredible everyone can fight me, although judging by all the other reviews I don't think anyone will. That's great to hear that I can make readers relate, especially my British Lads™ and a lot of what I've written is based on experiences so it nice to hear that it's relatable. Haha, thanks and yes I enjoy writing so much, like it's all I think about sometimes like I need help seriously. And holy shit you're right all my reviewers are so damn cool, I love the Ryan trash Dumping Ground fandom. Dont worry, I love long reviews:) and i know! There was no warning, or build up to his leaving. It wasn't even a two part episode like usual, it was just like "hey, you know that character you like? The one with the mysterious backstory that could take ages to properly unravel? The guy you've written fanfictions about? Ya he's gone, suck it bitches." Like thAnks mAtE. But oh my word, Lewis's acting is mind-blowing. I have replayed that scene so many times I'm actually concerned for myself. Lewis has always had such a talent for expressing a range of emotions without even saying anything, even from day one. He's i credible and I really really hope we get to see him in more things.

Okay I'm done, I have been typing for legit an hour help me.

...

Also happy My Chemical Romance day I have g noted myself three times Ahahahahahahcallanambulance...


	4. Snap Out Of It

"Are you stalking me or something?" Demanded Thomas, before Ryan could even open his mouth to speak. It was one o'clock the next day, and Ryan had caught Thomas sitting alone in the music room, practicing chords on a guitar over which he was bent low. Ryan couldn't have been more annoyed to see him, and he felt this was crossing some sort of line. The music room was Ryan's place. He went there when the courtyard had been rendered useless if only a cigarette or two was sufficient enough to get him through the rest of the afternoon. Or simply if the weather was bad, and it usually was. The music room was the only quiet place left in the school, when a lesson wasn't being held, except perhaps the library. But Ryan wasn't keen on the library. It was too open and communal, equipped with harsh overhead lighting. The music room was nice; quiet and private. And Ryan liked messing around with the various instruments.

But now the privacy had apparently been somewhat invaded, and no less by the boy Ryan was most keen to avoid.

Thomas hadn't looked up from the guitar before he accused Ryan of stalking, which begged the question of how he knew who was in the doorway. Unless he wasn't expecting Ryan at all and really did have a stalker. But since he'd only been here a day, Ryan found this ridiculously unlikely and frankly, unfair if it were true. He had only just opened the door when he was bluntly interrupted, and he had planned on immediately evicting Thomas. But the unexplained confidence that Ryan was beginning to grow accustomed to, rendered him momentarily silent.

"Don't flatter yourself," he regained his composure quite quickly, and was correct in assuming that Thomas had in fact been referring to him, judging by the lack of response to his voice. "You're the one who's been following me around ever since you arrived. This is my place. And that's my guitar." It wasn't his, he didn't have a guitar. But he used that one so often that he felt rather protective over it. Thomas gave a short, contemptuous snort.

"I'm pretty sure both belong to the school. And therefore, you know, anyone can use them." He said this slowly, like Ryan was in fact the new kid and needed to be taught basic protocol. And his use of the phrase 'you know' was infuriatingly patronising. "Unless you're somehow above the rules, King Ryan." It was Ryan's turn to offer a short laugh of contempt.

"Weak insult," he advised, which Thomas seemed to be aware of; his only response being a short exhale of breath through his nose and the sides of his mouth upturned ever so slightly.

"Does this mean we're enemies, then?" He continued.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, we keep bumping into each other, and on TV and in books and shit, you always bump into your enemies no matter what."

"Really? I thought it was the opposite. You always bump into the person you eventually get together with." Ryan mentally kicked himself. He had no idea why he'd said this and despite a lack of reaction to the comment, he very much regretted it. It made him sound like he was sort of, suggesting something. Exactly what he was suggesting he wasn't too sure.

"No, it's enemies too. And by the end they either fight to the death or like, get married or something." Had Thomas meant to say that as well? Ryan was desperate to fight against the conversation they were apparently having, and he no longer really cared who left the room as long as it was one of them. And soon. But something made him stay, and before he knew it he'd taken a seat on the creaky piano stool opposite Thomas.

"I'm not sure what films you're watching but I'm pretty sure the enemies don't end up marrying each other. Either that or I'm remembering _Harry Potter _very very wrong." Tom failed to hide a slight smile.

"I dunno, maybe I'm thinking of fanfictions." Ryan had no idea what to make of this boy. On the one hand, everything he said seemed to be tainted with irony or sarcasm, and on the other hand, it was the exact same way Ryan spoke.

It was also getting harder and harder to deny that Thomas was very good-looking. Charlie was right. His hair _was_ great.

Silence settled around the room so the noises outside were accentuated. Shouts from the playground filtered through the windows, mostly from the year 7s who had yet to outgrow their imaginations and were concocting wild games from the top of the monkey bars. Ryan watched Tom pluck out a few notes, making a light sound with no real discernible tune.

"Can you even play that?" Asked Ryan, now with only a hint of sneer left in his voice.

"No, not really. But everyone knows the cool kids are always the ones who mysteriously play guitar by themselves."

"Seriously, what TV are you watching?" Thomas offered a slight chuckle.

"It got you in the room didn't it?"

"Only to tell you to get out. A statement which, by the way, still stands."

"Eh, details." For once in his life, Ryan was unable to read the room; to read the mood between him and this boy. He thought there was still some tension, somewhere. There must have been, you don't keep enemies for just a day, right? _Harry Potter_ would have been a much shorter series if that were true. _Star Wars_ would have started in the seventies and ended in the seventies. _Tom and Jerry_ would only have one episode, and... Ryan couldn't think of any more examples. But Thomas and Ryan were talking to each other, calmly and normally. And though it felt kind of detached and perhaps a little forced, there were no insults being hurled at one another like yesterday.

Ryan felt for sure he'd screw it up somehow.

And a part of him really wanted to. Probably the same part which had just noticed a single curl on Thomas's head break loose from the rest and flop over his eyebrow, brushing his eyelid so Tom had to keep flicking it away, a single tiny jerk of his head. He was still focused hard on the guitar. His forehead was lightly wrinkled in concentration and his tongue made occasional appearances out of the side of his mouth. It was clear that he was completely inexperienced with the instrument resting across his knees, but for some reason there was a strong air of determination surrounding him; he hadn't looked up at Ryan once.

Ryan involuntarily shook his head, forcing his eyes to look out of the window. Why was he noticing all these tiny details? It was weird and pathetic. He _felt_ weird and pathetic.

'Why aren't you admitting to yourself that you're attracted to him?' Said a voice in his head, one which was attempting to drown out the screams of the part which wanted him to mess everything up.

'Because I'm not. I hate him,' he replied to himself.

'Oh come off it! You've known him for a day. You got slightly annoyed at him and _you_ were worse. He may hate you but you don't hate him.'

'Yeah well, I don't like him like that either.'

'But he is kinda hot.' Ryan stood up so abruptly that Thomas finally broke eye contact with the guitar strings.

"You... alright?" He queried.

"You should give that up." The coldness returned once more to Ryan's voice as he jerked his head towards the guitar. The other part won. "You're shit."

He immediately exited the room, but not before catching the hurt look which crossed Thomas's face fore a mere moment before he probably realised that, as enemies, he was not supposed to care what Ryan thought, and the hurt turned to vague amusement.

Ryan stopped in the hallway, just outside the locker rooms facing the abandoned gym. He leaned against the wall and sighed. His hand found his fringe and he roughly pushed it away from his face. Was he utterly incapable of conducting a conversation with someone and not ruin it completely? He wasn't _trying _to get on Tom's good side. He wasn't _trying_ to make friends. But he was doing himself no favours giving Tom a hard time, and school was already too much of an effort as it was.

The right thing to do was go back and apologise. However, when you were Ryan, the right thing to do often changed its definition, and subtly became the right thing to do for him. And in this case, the right thing for Ryan to do was conserve his pride and walk away without a care. It wasn't his problem, and he wasn't invested enough to do anything about it.

* * *

At the end of the day, when the noise levels had reached their peak due to kids rushing to start the weekend, Ryan ducked to the side of the school to avoid the first wave of students. If Thomas was with Charlie again then they'd probably go on ahead, so Ryan wasn't in any kind of rush. And just to be in the safe side, he waited for the second, slightly later, lot of students to dive out the front doors. They were the older ones, and Ryan saw a few of the others, Jody and Tyler as usual walking together, Alex with Finn, who had also been waiting. Ryan was keen to avoid them the most.

Once it had all calmed down, Ryan found it safe to step out and walk alone to the gates. When he neared the entrance he nearly stopped short and, once again, audibly showing his annoyance was becoming increasingly difficult. Charlie and Thomas were still there, not showing any sign that they had just had ten minutes of their life wasted.

"There you are!" Smiled Charlie when she spotted him coming towards them. "What took you so long?" Ryan glared at her. 'You know exactly where I was. Why are you pointing it out?' He wanted to say, but instead he settled for, "why didn't you just go on ahead?"

"I'm not ditching you. That wouldn't be fair." Her natural kindness was sometimes more than Ryan could handle, and his only response was to get defensive.

"Well thanks for your pity but I'm alright," he said, with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

"Oh get over yourself, I'm just being nice. I won't bother next time." During this exchange, Thomas seemed quite eager to leave. He kept glancing up the street and looking like he wanted to interrupt. If Ryan had cared in any way, he would've understood and appreciated that Thomas had waited patiently for him just because Charlie had wanted to, and the two of them bickering together probably made him feel rather uncomfortable. But Ryan _didn't_ care, he just felt slightly irritated, and panicky. But that was normal.

He still walked home with them, not wanting to appear as sulky as yesterday, which he imagined must have made him look stupidly childish. Instead, he kept his head held high, entirely preoccupied with his IPod. Thomas ignored him completely.

During their short walk back, Ryan decided he wouldn't stay in the house while Tom was there this time. He walked in with them and ascended swiftly to his bedroom, but only to deposit his school bag and pick up his own secret pack of cigarettes which he stashed underneath a loose floorboard at the corner of his room, where the carpet had come slightly loose at the edges. It was a very small hiding place and hard to access, so Ryan only used it when necessary, with small items that he wouldn't want anyone to find; cigarettes, his lighter, cash and a spare mobile phone. It was very unlikely that anyone would find these things. The floorboard was basically impossible to spot, and rather uninteresting anyway to someone who wasn't specifically looking. He didn't take his cigarettes to school for obvious fear of getting caught. Paying a few extra quid for someone else's was worth it if it meant not putting up with Mike after a concerned phone call from school one day, giving the man another reason to view Ryan as nothing but a lost cause.

Ryan had to wait for the voices downstairs to disperse before he could make his escape. Everyone was interested in Thomas, especially the girls. Ryan had to endure an hour of giggling at dinner yesterday, incessant questions being shot at Charlie, like pink bullets in Ryan's opinion. Floss enthusiastically conducted various choruses of 'Charlie and Thomas sittin' in a tree' and Candi-Rose was... Well she was pure hell, and utterly in her element.

The boys simply thought Thomas was cool. Fist-bumps and head-nods were exchanged and questions of 'which football team do you support?' And 'got any cool video games?' were asked. Mike of course was there to intimidate and remind Charlie of the rules. "No closed doors," he warned in a mock stern voice, to eye rolls and semi-embarrassed replies of "I know!" Ryan smirked at the thought that if he ever brought a boy home these rules wouldn't automatically apply, or at least, they wouldn't be enforced. Because the assumption that Ryan would be anything more than a friend to said boy just wouldn't be a registering factor.

As he listened absentmindedly to all these voices and exchanges, he couldn't help but think it all incredibly staged. Everyone was acting how they were supposed to act, as if they were in some kind of TV show. They all had their parts, and their scripts, and they all followed them to a T. Ryan on the other hand had thrown away his script long ago. Refused to take part in the fakeness and the censorship. That's probably why they all hated him. He ruined their fun and caused nothing but chaos.

Ryan shook himself and looked up. He'd been standing in his doorway for full minutes, focusing solely on a single spot on the hallway carpet. He was very nearly caught by Thomas and Charlie coming up the stairs, but at the last moment he silently shut his door and pressed himself against it, listening. Their voices decreased as they walked past and then became muffled as they entered Charlie's room. Ryan waited for a second, collected his skateboard from beside the cupboard and opened the door, sneaking back downstairs.

He made sure Mike was occupied, searching through filing cabinets in the office, his back to the window. It was unlikely he'd notice Ryan's absence, or care, but if he saw Ryan trying to leave he would probably jump to conclusions and interrogate him, maybe even forbid him from going. Even if Ryan was just going to the skatepark, Mike would no doubt assume he was lying. The guy just did not trust him. So Ryan was forced to make himself as invisible as possible, to stop Mike from looking at him like he was a defect in the group of normal and willing-to-work-together care kids that he was used to.

Ryan two-stepped down the stairs, eyes on Mike, as he ducked out the front door.

The breeze was cool on his face as he stepped out, breathing in the late afternoon air. Spring was a little under a month away but already there was an ever so slight appearance here and there. Whenever the Sun peaked out from behind the clouds it felt warm on Ryan's skin and the wind wasn't quite so sharp and bitter. For someone who basically lived in his bedroom, Ryan always felt quite peaceful outside. But then he realised that he was only peaceful outside when there was no one else around him. So he figured that it didn't matter where he was, as long as he was alone. That's when he felt most calm.

So perhaps the skatepark on a Friday afternoon probably wasn't the best place to go when human beings in general set you on edge. But Ryan knew all the quiet places. In the corner of the park near the large area of woods, were the more undesirable ramps. These held little challenge for skaters and had grown vaguely rusty and mossy over the years from disuse, making them even more unwelcome. Next to it was one of those metal containers that held all the electrics. Ryan didn't know what they were called, but it was heavily graffitied and if he leant against the back, he'd be hidden from view, and in turn he'd only have to look at the isolated forest.

Ryan sat with his knees up near his chest and placed his skateboard down next to him, ready in case he felt like perfecting any tricks when the park filtered out a bit. He took out his cigarette pack and shook one out, fumbling around a little with the lighter. He cupped his hands around his mouth to protect the sparks from blowing out and blew the smoke in front of him. The wind carried it aside and it wasn't long before the thin grey coils served as the focus point for his thoughts. They blurred the trees in front of him but they were clear in his mind's eye.

Ryan had never had a boyfriend before. It wasn't at all surprising, since he had never been comfortable enough to even come out, let alone have a relationship. But that didn't mean he'd had no experience with boys. He hadn't met them at school, of course. He went to great lengths to hide himself from every student, straight or otherwise. Instead, he found boys in other places, usually here at the skatepark, which was probably why his mind had started to wander in this direction. Sometimes he found them online. Not on a dating website or anything, Ryan believed them to be beneath his dignity. Besides, he was fifteen. He wasn't exactly desperate. But he talked to them in chat rooms, on an online game perhaps, where you could speak to people in your surrounding area through the headphones. And then they'd meet up sometimes, the ones who were in a similar situation to Ryan.

He was very aware of the dangers, Ryan wasn't stupid. He didn't meet them in secluded areas and he dialled 999 on his phone and kept his thumb poised over the call button while he waited. So far, nothing bad had happened. Ryan and whichever boy he'd met up with would come here, to the place where Ryan was sitting. The metal box was far enough away from the abandoned ramps so even if a rare straggler did somehow stray this far, it was still hard to notice them if you weren't looking. Beyond the box, there was no path or open area and the trees were quite dense around here. People didn't generally wander through.

Ryan would sit next to the boy, share his lighter if the guy fancied a smoke, and it wasn't long before they were making out. It was rushed and in no way romantic. Ryan didn't want it to be. He simply enjoyed the freedom it gave him. He'd spent the whole day pretending to be someone he wasn't, and these rare afternoons meant he could just forget about all that. Forget about school and the comments he'd had to endure over the years. Forget about pretending to the other guys that he found Abby or Kelly or Rebecca or whomever 'hot'. Forget about all the girls he'd kissed just to hide himself even more, and hated every moment of it.

It didn't last too long. They tired of kissing after a few minutes and Ryan refused to let it go any further. They would never have let it go too far, of course, not where they were situated. They were hidden, yes, but they were still outside. It would be completely wrong. But there were other things in between, hands placed on different parts of the other's torso. But Ryan was uncomfortable with people touching him in general, even if it was nothing more than a friendly pat on the shoulder. He didn't make a big deal out of it, he didn't protest or flinch away. He had when he was much younger and hadn't quite realised that flinching away from someone's touch was a cause for stares and questions, but Ryan had eventually perfected the art of tolerance. However, if the touching was no longer innocent, then Ryan would start to protest.

It made him feel rather pathetic. He was a teenage boy, after all. What teenage boy wasn't obsessed with anything sexual? He'd spent enough time around his male classmates to know that there certainly weren't many. In fact, there was only one. Him.

He had sometimes hoped that perhaps he just hadn't found the right person yet. The boys he were snogging were strangers at the end of the day. Maybe his classmates didn't care about that fact, but Ryan was too private a person to want to go far with a stranger. He was waiting, basically, until he left the close-minded prison cell of school, and was free to properly meet a boy, to get to know him, maybe even fall in love with him. Then hopefully all his fears of any mild violation would simply disappear, or at least decrease considerably.

Sometimes he'd keep in contact with a few of the boys. Some of them were pretty cool, and he got along with them well enough. It didn't hurt to have an extra number on his phone or an extra player on his team during some online survival game. He even met up with one or two of them again, and it wasn't long before they started suggesting that they go back to theirs, or his. Whichever was more convenient. But Ryan never agreed. He never went back to theirs, and he'd _never_ let them come back to his. He just didn't want to, he wasn't ready, he wasn't comfortable. They understood, right? He hated revealing his vulnerabilities around them, but he didn't have much of a choice. Most of them understood, they backed off and refrained from pushing him too far. A few were a little annoyed, and tried to convince him that he was worried about nothing, and being somewhat unreasonable in their opinion. One was even verging on force, which concerned Ryan quite a lot. He didn't keep in contact with those guys.

Eventually they all got tired of his stubbornness, and drifted away when they realised they'd get nothing more than a few make-out sessions in the abandoned part of the skatepark.

It didn't bother Ryan much. Yes, it made him feel a bit weedy, but so what? The whole point of these meet-ups with these boys was to allow Ryan to let go of his fears for a few minutes, and pretend to himself that he was comfortable with who he was. Why should he have to make himself feel awkward and uneasy just so one of these guys could get a cheap fuck out of him? Sometimes they could be as bad as his straight classmates, and Ryan had no intension of getting involved with his straight classmates.

The smoke in front of his eyes had started to get thinner. Ryan's cigarette had almost gone out completely, so he took one last drag and threw it next to his shoe to stamp on. He considered lighting another one, but the the short days of winter were creeping up on them, and the Sun was very low in the sky, casting a deep orange glow on the trees in front. It was growing very chilly and Ryan was starting to shiver. But he'd only left the house about half an hour ago, maybe a little longer. And Thomas had stayed for over an hour yesterday. So Ryan had some time to kill.

He picked up his skateboard and walked over to the abandoned ramps. Unchallenging, rusty and sad-looking.

Ryan placed his board down and stood at the top of one, the one most covered in moss and rust and graffiti. The corners of his mouth upturned ever so slightly. He decided that they were, in fact, perfect.

* * *

_Author's Note:_

2009 Dan Howell: I'll try to post regularly...

2015 Dan Howell: *snorts* *pauses video* *looks at camera* sHUT UP OKaY

Technically though, I didn't actually promise to update regularly so dON'T JUDGE ME I'M LAZY

For real, I apologise for how long a gap each chapter is, I'm trying to speed up, but for some reason that makes me procrastinate more. It's truly a vicious cycle...

Anyway, I hope you're not getting bored or anything, I get not a lot has happened yet. Don't worry, I have a lot of twists planned, this fic is gonna start getting some action *not a euphemism* soon. At the moment I'm just like setting the scene and getting everyone properly involved with the characters. So stay with me y'all.

And now we return to episode four of replying to your lovely reviews (now my favourite anime.)

Justice237- So I kinda replied to your review in the email, but I'll reply here as well so sorry for repeating myself a little. Unfortunately the essay on How Ryan Staying Can Be Considered Canon probably won't be published since its a shitty one page thing I did at like 1 am when I couldn't sleep after aCTUAL PHYSICAL HEARTBREAK but it was basically just deciding that because of the amount of unexplained plot holes during his leaving, it's likely that Lewis just had to leave suddenly and they needed something quick. Therefore, just cos the actor has to leave doesn't actually mean Ryan needs to, right?... I'm desperate...

Again, I'm so thankful that my writing can be relatable to the reader, since that's certainly one of my goals. Ryan feels so alone with all the stuff he has to go through and it's nice that other people can just understand what he's going through, and also the fact that things I've written have sometimes been based on actual experience, so it's nice for me that others can understand as well. So thank you:)

Yeah, I didn't want Thomas to be your sterotypical shy new kid. I wanted him to stand up for himself, have confidence. Not rely on Ryan to fight his battles. Basically I wanted him to have his own personality. It helps readers to adjust to him more.

Hm, yeah I said "f*g" because, again I'm just used to that word being used to refer to cigarettes instead of as an insult, and I kinda want it to stay like that. I don't want it to be immediately considered a gay slur when it has a much more everyday connotation, which as you said is good to give negative slurs different connotations. And yes, the irony is a very Ryan thing to do.

Thanks for pointing out the error, I changed it, it was meant to say "idolised" the second time instead of "hated".

I like your reason for why he left, and it is certainly the most plausible. And same here, the Maureen thing could've waited for a different episode, solely around Chloe, since despite his efforts, Ryan was clearly not a big part in it. So it felt a little pointless I must admit, and wasted time for more explanation of him leaving.

Thank you again for reviewing, as always I love the length and all the feedback and opinions, it's really great and certainly motivates my writing. I appreciate it a lot :D

Dark Heart 945- Hey look! I finally published chapter four! I didn't end up deleting myself, which is honestly a shame. I replied to your review in email as well, but I'll summarise my reply here cos I'm not leaving you out of the author's notes, my dude.

So I am, as you now know, basically 100% in love with "Demons", by far one of my favourite Ryan fanfictions. I read the whole thing in one night, and read it again while listening to "Demons", which fun fact is one of my favourite songs of all time. So the reference to not only the song but

Imagine Dragons in general simply made me lose it. And, of course, the story was bloody fantastic *insert thumbs up emoji*

Ugh I knowww, it took me fully a week to be able to listen to tøp again after the episode, cos the lyrics remind me too much of Ryan, and don't even get me started on "Night Visions" by IG (why does Bleeding Out suit Ryan so much i was in tEars?) somyeah, everything hurts and to quote Gerard Way "I got so emo I fell apart." So that was fUn.

Also took me a while to watch any other episodes, but then my love for Ryan got the better of me and I watched the one where he saves Harry and Finn cos ya know, wholesomeness. And thank you for making me aware of the episode where he takes care of Jody's roabot baby in series four I don't know how the hell i missed that. HE SUNG TO THE BABY. AM I CRYING? YES, MOST DEFINITLY.

Thanks for the name suggestions, sorry for not using them, but I came close to using a few. I loved some of them a lot. But then the irony of Tyan being the ship name got the better of me and here we are. Thank you for reviewing as well, which I say everytime, but it's definitely true. I very much appreciate the support. (Also thank you very much for introducing me to Alec Benjamin. I love him a lot now.)

CharlieSMarts12- Thank youuuuu! I know! I really wich Charlie and Ryan's friendship had been developed more, but it's like after that episode at the stables it was all just forgotten. Charlie was just like "lol Ryan wHO¿" I was salty. But now I have my fic to envisage what a great friendship it could have been if the writers were consistent.

I'm really glad you like Thomas, and you can already sense romance? Awesome, that's the plan. The sexual tension is strong with these ones (did I get the Star Wars reference right? Probably not.)

A part of me really wishes Lewis read these fics, but then another part of me would probably die if he did. But I do hope he realises how much of an impact his character had. He really does have his own little fandom, and I love it.

Aw, thanks, I'm glad I got Ryan's character accurate. He's really fun to write I must admit, so angsty and sarcastic.

Yeah posting as a guest is fine. In hindsight maybe using up Chapter 3 to post what can only be described as a meltdown to Ryan leaving was probably not the best idea. But I was freaking out, heartbreak= bad decisions. So everyone either had to email or sign in as a guest. But hey, chaos is fun.

Thank you so much for reviewing, your positivity over my writing means a lot. I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

Aaaaaand I'm gonna end it there. See you in about five years when I post the next chapter, losers! (Jk y'all are so awesome.)


	5. No Way Out

A few days passed. The weather grew a little nicer and Ryan had started to grow accustomed to the new routine that was beginning to form; walking home with Charlie and Thomas, unfortunately no longer able to share his music with her unless she specifically requested a song. He knew it was only for another week, just until they had finished whatever project they were working on, but to Ryan's dismay they had started to strike up an actual friendship, so Ryan found it unlikely that this was the last time he'd be forced to spend time with Thomas. However, his one comfort was that Thomas didn't live down the same route as them, so soon they wouldn't have to walk home together anymore, and since that was the most Ryan saw of him, he didn't think it was necessary to get on his good terms. Charlie on the other hand seemed to thoroughly disagree, and appeared to consider finding some common ground between the two her life's work. She asked them hundreds of questions, even though she already knew most of Ryan's answers.

"What's your favourite film, Thomas?" She'd say. "What's yours, Ryan? Do you play video games, Thomas? What are your favourites? Ryan _loves _video games." And on and on it went, until it took all of Ryan's willpower not to deliberately shove his earphones in his ears and turn the music up so loud that even they'd be able to hear it. If it made him deaf it'd probably be worth it. Thomas didn't seem to mind though and while Ryan answered her begrudgingly through gritted teeth, Thomas answered her easily enough, his eyes crinkling slightly at the corners to show his amusement. But Ryan was highly unappreciative of her meddling, especially when she got so caught up in herself that she started talking about Ryan as if he wasn't even there.

"Ryan isn't much of a reader," she announced to them once when Thomas mentioned some books he'd enjoyed. Ryan had forgotten that he'd been trying to find a place to read when they first met. He'd forgotten that he was a complete nerd. But he did wonder whether Thomas ended up finding a good place to sit in peace, and he wondered where it was.

"But he has one or two which he gets obsessed with. They're all he'll read."

"That's not true." It kind of was, but Ryan was getting defensive now. "And who asked you to write my bloody biography anyway?" He snapped.

"If I did it would be all you'd read." Ryan and Thomas snorted at the same time. Ryan in contempt and Thomas with genuine humour. Charlie smiled smugly as the two shared a look. She was wrong though, for once. If Ryan had a book written about his life he'd take much more pleasure in burning it than reading it.

Once they got back, Ryan had to make the decision on whether to close himself off in his bedroom and stream shows on his laptop, or sneak out to the skatepark for a practice on the ramps and a smoking break. Usually he opted for remaining in his room, where he forcefully told himself that he was staying inside simply because he wasn't up to going out today, that he was much more content with lying on his bed and watching _Rick & Morty_. And he outright refused to accept the ever so slight notion which kept popping into his head now and again that perhaps he was hoping to run into Thomas and strike up another conversation with him, alone. Like the one they'd had in the music room, which Ryan had found himself thinking about a lot lately, ever since it had happened, and as usual he had no idea why.

Or maybe he did know, he just didn't want to admit to himself what the real reason was. He didn't want to.

Had Ryan ever had a crush before? He supposed it depended on how you defined it. He'd had his fair share of celebrity crushes, of course. He considered his first crush to be on Jeremy Sumpter when Ryan was ten. He wasn't fully aware of the true extent of his fascination with the actor, but the posters taped to his wall of films- some of which he hadn't even seen before- was kind of a giveaway. As he got older, his crushes on male celebrities became much less subtle, and by this time he realised that they were, in fact, proper crushes. And he couldn't help watching the music video for _Girls/Girls/Boys_ more times than was necessarily okay. But an actual crush on an actual person? Maybe. He was unsure since whenever he felt something more than just a quiet disdain towards a person, he repressed it immediately. He knew that nothing good could come off it, and by the end only he would be hurt. And he wasn't prepared for that. Ryan just needed to accept the fact that while he was here, in this school, in this town, in this situation, he would always be faced with an invisible barrier between him and the boys he couldn't help falling for. So in the meantime he had to find ways to stop falling for them. If a good-looking boy in his class smiled at him, Ryan saw it as a smirk used to mock him. If someone brushed against him accidentally Ryan believed it to be an act of mild aggression. It got to a point where Ryan automatically saw everyone as a threat or an enemy, even if he hadn't been briefly attracted to them at some point, even if they were a girl, even if they were a stranger. Everyone was against him, and Ryan constantly felt like he had to fight.

But Thomas was already against him. Thomas actually fought back. Did that make him different? Was he harder to ignore because Ryan didn't have to pretend to see him as something else? That would be beyond typical if the only guys he allowed himself to take an interest in were the ones who already hated him.

But Ryan had started to notice, more so than before, that despite his tactless and rude exit the other day, their music-room-conversation as he referred to it, had certainly brought about a change between their attitudes towards to each other. They still hardly said a word, nor even smiled at one another, but there was a slight detached amusement that saved the silences from being too awkward, and at one point, completely out of the blue and catching Ryan off-guard, Thomas came into his room and looked around.

"The hell are you doing in here?" Demanded Ryan once he'd gotten over the initial surprise of seeing Thomas in his doorway.

"Charlie went downstairs for a drink. Thought I'd explore," he replied, as if this was a completely normal thing to do.

"Well this isn't a zoo and I don't want you in here, so piss off."

"You like skating, then?" Thomas continued, ignoring Ryan's request. "I never got the hang of it myself. Are you any good?" Ryan stared at him without a word. What was this kid _on_? And why the fuck was he here?

"No offence but unless Charlie's dying or something there's no reason for you to be in here." Ryan hoped Thomas would get the hint and leave so he turned back towards his phone and was about to put his earphones in when-

"Is there anything going on between you and Charlie?" Ryan paused and looked up. Was Thomas actually asking what Ryan thought he was asking?

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're not like, together... are you?" Ryan nearly laughed out loud, and in fact he couldn't help but let out a slight chuckle.

"No. We're not."

"So, she's single?" It was obvious by this point that Thomas was making sure it was alright for him to ask her out. And Ryan realised that he was in quite a good position here. He thought of Alex for a second, who also clearly had a thing for Charlie, and the idea of seeing the jealous look on his face was an all too good an opportunity to miss. But then again, if Charlie was with Thomas, Ryan would find himself on the receiving end of a pretty shit deal. He'd have to spend more time with Thomas, and Charlie would spend less time with him. He didn't much like the sound of that arrangement.

"No, she's with Alex," Ryan lied, thinking that Alex owed him one. Although seeing the crestfallen look on Thomas's face was definitely a bonus.

Then the look of disappointment turned into a look of slight suspicion.

"How do I know you're not lying?" Asked Thomas. Ryan nearly scowled at him, wondering how he'd caught on so quickly, although the likeliness that Thomas had forgotten Ryan's attempt at sending him to the other end of the school the other day was pretty slim. So Ryan did his best impression of looking mildly hurt.

"Now Thomas, when have I ever done that?" He crooned sweetly. Thomas rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. I'll ask her myself." And he finally walked out. Ryan glared at the closed door, feeling like he'd ended up more disappointed than Thomas, which had not been part of the plan. But... wait. Disappointment? That wasn't right. Ryan's range of emotions usually just went from anger to nothing. Why was he disappointed all of a sudden? He supposed it was because if Charlie agreed to date Thomas, the shitty deal would be set in stone, and surely that meant that she would deem their friendship to be less important than her relationship. And he'd spent quite a good deal of his time making sure that Charlie saw him as something more than just an evil bastard. He didn't want that all to suddenly be rendered useless just because Thomas couldn't keep it in his damn pants. He also couldn't help but be rather overprotective. After all, guys couldn't be trusted, and if Ryan had even the slightest feeling that Charlie was being messed around by someone, their funeral would be held the following afternoon. It was simply the brotherly instinct that still flowed through him. But that wouldn't make him disappointed, just wary.

The more Ryan thought about it, the more he realised that the loss of his old friendship with Charlie wasn't the only reason for his disappointment. But what else was there? He stared at his ceiling for a minute, pondering. Then turned over and groaned into his pillow as it hit him. The notion. He was disappointed because Thomas had just confirmed the inevitable. That he was straight. And so any chance that Ryan thought he might've had, even if it was at the moment only on a subconscious level, had been ruined.

Ryan raised his head. What the hell was wrong with him? This whole Thomas thing was completely screwed up and it just made him annoyed at himself, when he _should_ be annoyed at stupid Thomas. It wasn't worth it. The sooner he stopped fucking thinking about it the better in his opinion.

Ryan turned back around and crossed his arms against his chest, untangling them only to press shuffle on his iPod. He glared at the wall opposite as the opening notes of 'William It Was Really Nothing' by The Smiths filtered into his ears.

* * *

The Thomas thing didn't bother him for long. Maybe it would have ordinarily but his mood had started to deteriorate and when that happened he lost focus of his daily problems, both deliberately and involuntarily. He'd always found it weird, the "process" as he saw it. It's not like he started out happy and ended up sad. For starters, Ryan wasn't usually happy. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he was. He'd enjoyed a few things here and there, or he'd found something to be quite funny, but that was fake happiness in his opinion. Real happiness was a superior emotion which Ryan had yet to achieve. He wasn't sure whether the depression was solely to blame for this, or if life just simply didn't interest him enough.

So instead of feeling happy, or even just content, Ryan spent a lot of his time in a kind of weird, calm mood. Though maybe calm wasn't the right word to use, he wasn't exactly a calm person after all. But when he was like this he sort of just, wandered through life. Any inconveniences he ran into during the day were simply that. Inconveniences. He sorted them out quickly enough and continued on in a hazy daydream. And it didn't bother him too much. The nights were still bad. But they were separate from the day. As he lay awake at 2am, wondering how it was possible that only he could hear the screams coming from the part of his brain that was so angry with him that it regularly threatened death, his one small comfort was that when he woke up, the night before would feel more like a blurred nightmare, and he was allowed to have a break.

But sometimes it didn't work like that. It was completely unpredictable. He knew that some people had bad days, or bad episodes. And some people experienced it permanently. But Ryan had a little bit of both, which he thought was fucking fantastic. It was like one month he'd be in that melancholy state where only the nights were a struggle and have bad days here and there. And then the next month, there could be no foreseeable end to the bad episodes. Each day was a write off from the start.

He had to leave his bedroom of course, so no one would hassle him about it. It was a struggle, one of the hardest things Ryan had to do, but he was so desperate to stay unnoticed and to avoid questions and look and pity on the adults' faces, curiosity and bewilderment on the kids' that he found a way. Even if it meant purposefully falling out of bed. The entire day was then spent in dark daze. His mind had clocked off from the outside world and turned inward. The noises surrounding Ryan failed to penetrate, and all he could hear were the abusive screams of his personified illness, which had followed him from his darkened room in the early hours of the morning, to the light bright living room downstairs. There was simply no escape.

He dreaded those months, and the fact that they were entirely out of his control scared him no end. What happened to him during everyday life hardly played a part. The bad months could have been the best months had Ryan been in the right state of mind. School was working out, his grades were improving even more, a guy at the skatepark had taken an interest in him. But Ryan didn't care. It didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered to him.

But then the good months would eventually roll around, and they could turn out to be pretty shit. He failed an exam because he'd stayed up till an ungodly hour on his laptop and was so tired that day that he forgot to show his working out on the algebra test, even though he found the whole thing ridiculously easy. Or, he fell out with Charlie over something that shouldn't have caused an argument in the first place, but it got so out of hand that they refused to speak to each other for a week, much to the amusement of the other residents. Or, he was reminded how terrible school was when a kid who was actually out (whether by choice or not Ryan wasn't sure. He couldn't imagine ever wanting these people to know) got surrounded by a fierce-looking group of guys in the hall and were as violent and intimidating towards him as they could possibly get away with, and without a teacher in sight, it was quite a lot. They'd get right up in his face and hiss indistinguishable but undoubtedly unpleasant things in his ear, while the boys at the back of the group settled for throwing scrunched up pieces of paper at him. By the time the teachers had noticed and, passing it off as nothing more than students acting childish and disruptive, broken up the gathering of teenagers, none of whom got into much trouble, the damage had already been done, to both the boy and Ryan. Watching the small congregation, it just pushed Ryan so far back into the closet that he was convinced he'd never find a way out.

And yet the next day he woke up fine, and was out of bed no trouble. No fucking trouble at all.

Depression just didn't care.

* * *

Charlie had started to notice Ryan's moodiness. She was the only one who ever did notice. A part of him was quite grateful that she seemed to take an interest, but another part of him thought it was one person too many.

She knocked on his door after lunch. It was Saturday and Ryan had hardly left his room all day, so she was probably just going to ask him why he wasn't present at the dining table.

"Why weren't you at lunch?" She demanded, hands on hips. He was right then. Ryan glanced up at her, or down since he was lying on his back with his head on his pillow. Charlie had an expectant look on her face.

"You noticed then?" He replied, a little sarcastically. Nearly everything he said nowadays had some level of sarcasm to it.

"You said you'd stop skipping meals."

"Didn't I also say I'd stop going out at night? You know you probably shouldn't trust anything I say." Charlie rolled her eyes at him.

"You're in that mood again."

"What mood?"

"The weird calm-before-the-depressive-episode mood."

"That's totally not a thing." It was a thing. He knew it was a thing. He was just surprised that she knew it was a thing. But he approved of the name she'd given it.

"Yes it is. You go all quiet and stay in your room, more so than usual," she added. "And you lie on the carpet and listen to that playlist... what's it called again?"

"The Great Depression," he muttered, secretly already booting it up and getting ready to press shuffle. It mainly consisted of songs by Twenty Øne Piløts, The Smiths, and Linkin Park.

"Exactly."

"Whatever. Still not true... but you're in my spot." Ryan slid off his bed and lay spread eagled in front of her, untangling his earphones. She nudged his side with her foot.

"You're a mess," she said. Ryan ignored her. He had unsuccessfully untangled the wires, given up, and put the buds in his ears anyway, the mess of wires balancing on his chest. But Charlie still hadn't left.

"I haven't finished with you yet." Ryan sighed and took his earphones out, closing his eyes lazily.

"Hurry up then."

"Why did you tell Thomas I was with Alex?" Shit. Ryan opened his eyes and stared at her. Thomas must have said something. Idiot couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Uh..." he wasn't entirely sure how to answer. Whatever he said would probably reflect badly on him.

"He asked if you were single."

"And you told him I was with _Alex_."

"Well... you see he was going to ask you out, I think."

"So? I decide what to tell him. Not you. And I can't believe you told him I was with Alex!"

"What's the big deal? I thought you liked Alex. I was doing you a favour." Charlie looked at him incredulously, her mouth slightly open as if she couldn't believe that he was trying to even defend himself.

"Wow. You are _un_believable." She said. Ryan tried to read her face. She certainly looked angry. This conversation was unlikely to end well, and Ryan was already exhausted.

"Look, I wasn't really thinking. I..." he'd dug himself into a pretty deep hole already, so he didn't have much to lose by admitting the reason that he lied to Thomas. Not _the_ reason. Just the reason. And hopefully get this argument over and done with.

"I didn't want him to ask you out," he said quietly. Charlie's expression hardened even more. For someone with such a naturally sweet disposition, she could be quite intimidating sometimes.

"That _really_ wasn't your decision."

"I know but-"

"Do you know how awkward it was to say no to him? After explaining that I actually was single and then still having to reject him. He thinks we're both crazy, especially you luckily-" but Ryan didn't really listen to the last part.

"Wait, you said no?" Charlie shot daggers at him.

"Yes, Ryan. I said no. Don't you _dare_ look so smug about it. It had nothing to do with you. You made it worse."

"But you still said no."

"You're not taking this seriously."

"Why did you say no?" Charlie crossed her arms and didn't reply. She was pissed at him for trying to change the subject. Ryan took no notice. "Is it actually because you like Alex?" He always thought it was one-sided. That Alex liked Charlie but she wasn't too bothered. He only mentioned it sometimes to tease her.

"No it's not that. I mean- I don't think so." Ryan continued to look at her. He tried to appear understanding but he was just glad that he'd swerved the conversation away from himself somewhat, and was eager to keep her distracted.

"So how come you rejected Thomas?" He asked, genuinely interested.

"I don't know. He's not really my type I suppose."

"But you seemed to get on well with him."

"And? I get on well with you. Sometimes. For some weird reason. And I wouldn't want to date you."

"Ah Charlie, you do flatter me." Charlie rolled her eyes again but the beginning of a smile was playing on her lips.

"He's more your type if I'm honest." Ryan's eyes, which were starting to close again, flew open and he sat bolt upright. He regretted such a dramatic reaction but he was too shocked to care at first.

"What do you mean?" He demanded seriously, trying to keep his voice level. Did Charlie-? But how did she-? She didn't know that he was gay. He hadn't even told _her. _There was no way she could-. But she was starting to laugh now.

"Calm down, your face! I was kidding! Why d'you react like that?" Ryan fought hard not to breathe a sigh of relief. She didn't know. She was just joking.

"That wasn't funny," he grumbled. And what _did _she mean that Thomas was more his type? That was a ridiculous thing to say, and if it were true then he must have had a pretty rubbish taste in guys.

"It kinda was. And you gotta admit, you two bicker like a married couple sometimes. It's quite fun to watch." Ryan scowled at her. He disapproved very much with how Charlie apparently viewed them. Although a tiny, tiny flicker of hope ignited in his chest before abruptly fizzling out. Why did Ryan care if he and Thomas were compatible? He didn't _like_ Thomas for God's sake. And it would be pointless anyway. Thomas's attempt at asking Charlie out was proof of that. Ryan was being ridiculous. He put his earphones back in and closed his eyes, leaning back onto the carpet.

"You can leave now," he instructed at Charlie. She scoffed at him.

"Stop being so controlling. I will leave if _I_ want to." She paused for a second. "I'm leaving."

"A'ight."

"Act sad about it. Because it's my decision not yours."

"Is this really how you're going to settle all our arguments?"

"Just do it," she sighed.

"Fine." Ryan put on his best deadpan voice. "Please don't leave. I'm begging you. I'll be ever so upset." He stared at her defiantly for added effect. Charlie, continuing the act, put a hand to her forehead and sighed dramatically.

"And yet I must. This is my choice, Ryan. I'm sorry." Ryan dropped the deadpan voice and followed her dramatics, looking at her desperately with his fist to his chest.

"How could you?" He whisper-shouted. "You've ripped this household apart with your strong and independent mind."

"I can stay here not a moment longer. You are simply too stifling. Farewell, Sir Loser." She strutted out, head held high. Leaving Ryan grinning at the doorway.

Then a moment passed and his grin faltered, and disappeared. The conversation should have left him content for much longer. But it never worked like that.

Depression just didn't care.

* * *

The next day was Sunday, so Ryan didn't have to worry about school. No one would really expect him to leave his room at all and Charlie would make an excuse for him at meal times. She'd told him a while ago that she'd cover for him for a maximum of two days, because that's usually how long his episodes lasted, the worst part of them anyway, unless of course it was a bad month. By day three Ryan would have had to have sorted himself out because there were only so many excuses Charlie could give.

Their arguing was always short but fierce, and no matter how stubborn they both were they didn't hold grudges against each other for too long, and they usually argued about silly stuff anyway, like who had rights to the TV, or who'd survive longer in the Hunger Games (Ryan was adamant that not only would he survive in the Hunger Games but that he'd actually win. "Only because you wouldn't think twice about killing everyone, you monster.," Charlie had said defiantly, but she couldn't really argue with him. He'd outlined some seemingly foolproof tactics). But when it came to his depression, their arguments were serious, drawn-out and lasting. Ryan felt that Charlie wasn't listening to him properly, and wasn't understanding him at all. Charlie said that she was trying her best to understand, but that he was making the whole thing unnecessarily difficult for the both of them. Ryan hated these arguments because once again it felt like his depression was winning. The illness was infamous for isolating its host from any friends and family that they had. Ryan hadn't had to worry much about that before, not having any friends to lose in the first place, and his only family was Chloe, whom he wasn't that close with anyway. But somewhere along the line, he'd let his guard down. Charlie had somehow entered his dark little circle of self-centredness which he'd carefully constructed for himself and now he had to worry about her.

"I can't keep making excuses for you, they're going to start getting suspicious. Besides, I'm sick of spending my whole day trying to come up with believable cover stories." As soon as she said it she realised how bad it sounded and put her hand over mouth, waiting nervously for his reaction.

"Well I'm so sorry to have caused you any inconvenience. I didn't realise you were having such a hard time. I guess _I_ was just sick of being so bored of my life and waking up so drained and exhausted that I actually have to _get _someone to help me from getting in trouble for not physically being able to get out of bed. How selfish of me. You must think I'm incredibly lazy." He hadn't meant to say so much but he needed Charlie to once and for all understand where he was coming from. He said each line slowly, sarcastically and with a low voice that sounded vaguely threatening. He didn't really want to speak to her like that, and he certainly didn't want to sound like he was threatening her, but it looked like his shot had gone home by the way she stiffened at the last line.

"Ryan, I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't thinking. I don't think you're lazy." Ryan sighed, trying to calm down. He wanted this argument to be over.

"It's fine, whatever. Look I am sorry for dragging you into this mess, and ordinarily I wouldn't have to. But my depression isn't improving, if anything it's getting worse. I don't know why it is but from time to time I'm going to need some help. And you know me, I never ask for help."

"You really need to work on that, you know."

"Yeah I... I am." The tension was lifting ever so slightly and to the relief of both of them it seemed clear that the conversation was coming to an end.

"And I will help you. But if I get something wrong just explain it to me. Don't hold it against me. I haven't gone through what you have, not really. So it's going to be that I'm not going to understand everything immediately, okay?"

"Okay." It was the most reasonable conclusion they'd ever had to an argument.

That was in the earlier days when Charlie was still coming to terms with the fact that Ryan was clinically depressed. Nowadays, she still got a bit tetchy if she had to cover for him for more than a few days, but she'd gotten much better at dealing with him in general. When she came into his room to tell him off about Thomas, he liked that she hadn't let him off the hook just because he was feeling down, like she might have done before. Okay, so he hadn't exactly wanted to get told off, that part was annoying, but it was more the fact that Charlie continued to treat him like normal, and not as if he was so delicate that even raising your voice would shatter him. A few social workers in the past had acted like that towards him, and it pissed him off no end.

He still wasn't keen on forcing Charlie to go to all the trouble of lying to Mike and May Li, which he knew she hated doing, just for his benefit, so he had hoped that this episode wouldn't roll over onto Monday. Unfortunately that was just wishful thinking.

School used to be quite easy to avoid. Ryan would just have to call them up, pretend to be Mike and say that Ryan was ill and wouldn't be coming in today. He even put on a pretty convincing Irish accent just for added authenticity. It might've been a bit pointless but in case the receptionist had ever phoned Mike up (and judging by the chaos that usually followed a large group of pre teen care kids, this was likely), and remembered his voice, Ryan needed to cover all his bases. Besides, it was quite fun to do. It was then simple for Charlie to tell Mike that Ryan had already left, or returned, depending on which part of the day it was. This was believable since with so many kids the school rush was overwhelmingly hectic. Half the time Charlie didn't even have to say anything. No one asked.

But one time Charlie made the mistake of pretending that Ryan had gone on ahead within hearing range of the others. Chloe had looked at her suspiciously and claimed that Ryan hadn't even come downstairs. He wasn't at breakfast. Charlie was then forced to admit that Ryan had skipped breakfast, but that he _had_ already left, they'd just missed him. Ryan was a bit annoyed that Charlie had told them that he was missing meals, but she convinced him that it was the only thing she could've said. And since Mike only thought it was that one time, Ryan wouldn't get much more than a warning.

"He'll be watching me closer at breakfast now," Ryan sighed. "I'll have to think of a different excuse."

"You're going to quite a lot of effort to do this. Wouldn't it be easier to just-"

"Charlie. No. The effort to do this is nothing compared to the effort of going to school when you can't even see the point of opening your eyes." Charlie refrained from mentioning it again, but Ryan was permanently worried that she'd soon find him to be more trouble than it was worth and end up ditching him.

"Tell you what, stick with the excuse. But wait until the others have left. Then, I dunno, take a bit of toast with you. Say it's for me and I've already gone."

"That's incredibly risky." Ryan looked across from her and sighed.

"Then we'll just have to hope that any future episodes are on the fucking weekend. This house is a fucking nightmare."

"Ryan..." Charlie was used to his bursts of sudden and unexplainable anger, but she did go on at him about swearing so much. Not that he ever listened.

That Monday was no different. Charlie succeeded once again in explaining away Ryan's general absence, and Ryan once again wonderered how hard this would be if Mike actually paid attention. He concluded that Mike would find out about the true extent of his depression within a matter of days.

For the next few hours, Ryan didn't move. It only vaguely registered in his mind when Mike and May Li left the house at various times to run errands, which would've been quite a relief, but they hardly came into his room anyway. Except when something had gone missing, and he was the first to be searched.

Ryan lay there in the silence. His body had temporarily shut down and if he wasn't able to hear the soft, rhythmic beating of his heart, Ryan would have had to assume that he was dead. Sometimes he'd imagine what that it'd be like if he was. He'd be lying face down on his bed, almost entirely hidden by the covers as usual, and his body would suddenly decide to slow the soft ticking of its gears. There didn't seem much point in keeping them going, it would think, Ryan was barely using them and it was too tiring trying to keep them working. Ryan wouldn't even notice when his heartbeat grew fainter, the beating simply being replaced by the ticking of the clock in his desk. Then his chest would refuse to draw any more air in and his lungs would start to scream... Or would they? Perhaps they'd welcome it. Sometimes when he was in the bath, he'd duck his head under and hold his breath for as long as possible. After a few minutes it would hurt, and the survival instinct would soon kick in. But Ryan could ignore it, and the burning would wash over him and the protest of his lungs would drown out the noise in his head and everything

Was.

Silent.

If Ryan slipped away with no reason and with no struggle, the only thing he'd notice was that his mind would go quiet, and he would only notice because it would be the loudest thing in the world. And the relief would almost be enough to make him start breathing again.

Almost. But not completely.

He'd stay there for another few hours, limp, still, immovable. Same as he'd been before. Until someone found him, probably Charlie. She always checked on him after school. She'd walk into his room without knocking and immediately start talking about... whatever she talked about. Ryan never really listened. And at first she wouldn't notice anything wrong. It was normal for Ryan to not even acknowledge her presence, or talk to her, or open his eyes. But maybe something would make her stop, some... feeling. Did a room feel different when someone had died, even if you weren't aware that they had died? Ryan didn't know but it seemed likely that the room would just feel a bit... off.

Charlie would look more closely at him. The skin that was visible from the duvet would be paler, almost blue. Perhaps his lips would be blue. And the usual steady rise and fall of his chest would be missing. He would be utterly still. Charlie's eyes would widen as the realisation hit her, and she'd immediately fall into a temporary state of denial. She could see the evidence but she would refuse to believe it. In a last ditch attempt she'd grab his wrist and check his pulse, maybe check the one in his neck, then she'd place her shaking hand on his chest, willing there to be any kind of beat, no matter how faint. But there would be nothing. Ryan was gone and nothing and no one could bring him back. She should just walk away and forget all about him. But she'd continue to fight for any scrap of hope. She'd scream for Mike and May Li, thinking that there must be something _they _could do. But of course there wasn't. Why would there be? All they could do was scream at him as well, although this time it would be with fear and desperation rather than anger. It was almost a shame that Ryan wouldn't be able to hear it. But Ryan. Was. Gone.

And everything was silent.

Ryan could never work out whether this was a nice thought or not. The premise was of course morbid and alarming, but he didn't reject it, or force himself to stop thinking about it like he would have done had he disliked it. It didn't scare him, not at all. It was only a hypothetical scenario after all. He was simply playing a harmless game of What If? If anything it was a good distraction.

The front door slammed and Ryan was vaguely surprised to hear multiple voices. High pitched and cheery. The others were back. Ryan hadn't noticed how much time had passed but then, he never did.

A few minutes later, on cue, Charlie was walking into his room. She didn't knock and she immediately launched into a summary of all her daily anecdotes, and this time Ryan attempted to listen.

"-and the club didn't meet today cos Ellie was sick so I had to eat lunch in the canteen and Richard Morris from Year 9 tried to pick a fight with this older kid and it was quite funny, because you know, he's very small. And he didn't do much but the teachers got involved-" Ryan nearly smiled at her attempt to pretend that everything was fine, that the only sickness that he was dealing with was the kind that Ellie What's-her-name had.

Charlie stopped to take a breath, and Ryan lifted his fingers as an indication that he was still there.

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Me to me: Do you know how long they've had to wait for a new chapter?

Me: *Thomas Sanders voice* I'M ALREADY DOING IT, VIRGIL

For real though, I'm worried this chapter isn't good enough to compensate for not publishing for a liTERAL MONTH. But you'll be pleased to know that that's basically the last of the filler/introduction chapters, and I'm finally gonna get on to some actual events and storylines and Thomas moments so... yah.

Also, you may have noticed that the chapter titles have changed (assuming the update worked) Yes, they are titles of songs (you're seeing a theme now, right?) And I wanted to do this originally but a) I forgot and b) I didn't want to think of names. I'm lazy like that. But then out of sheer boredom I spent like half an hour thinking about good song titles and I decided to go for it. Better late than never I guess. The titles differ, sometimes it's just the titles that suit the chapter, sometimes it's just the song. Most of the time it's both. They're all good songs though, so I recommend them.

Also, let me know if you actually want me to make a 'Great Depression' playlist (inspired by Simon's playlist from the book, Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, also called The Great Depression.) I decided to add it in because it just fit Ryan. He'd definitely name a playlist that. The songs on his though differ from the ones in the book, 'celt for The Smiths. But yeah, if you want me to make it, probably a YT playlist, I'll link it next chapter.

Anyway, time for Replying To Reviews: A Broadway Musical

(Btw, Ryan would 100% win The Hunger Games.)

Dark Heart 945- Hm yeah, the things that Ryan does with strangers is a complete contrast between his personality because on the one hand it would seem like something Ryan would hate to do, but on the other, it is quite a Ryan thing. This is why everyone likes him, because he's by far the most complex of characters on the whole of TDG. Yeah, honestly it would be fun to see Mike's reaction to that but I'm not sure if it would ever be relevant to the story, Mike finding out about them, because really, the strangers aren't really relevant to the whole story. But idk, I might find an opportunity to add it in. If I do I'll certainly try. Ugh, I know, like god di I manage to miss such a pure episode? Thank God all the episodes are on Iplayer. Second, absolutely in love with Alec Benjamin. Third, I will never tire of being enthusiastic about Demons.

BlueSatan12- Why hello there tøp lover! We are very happy to have you here. And omg thank you, I'm so glad to hear that I got their personalities right, that's very important to me. Your review was so nice, I'm happy you're enjoying the story and thank you for reviewing (sorry if I say thank you too much).

CharlieSMarts12- Okay you are way too kind, like I'm smiling so much every time I read your reviews. Also, don't encourage me to take such a long time, believe me any opportunity to procrastinate I will unfortunately take it. Ha, yeah that's what I was going for between Thomas and Ryan, like they're trying so hard to insult each other but it's just coming across as romantic tension. Aw, thank you, with this story I did really want to openly present Ryan's homosexuality, and talk about it in more depth. To get an idea of his thoughts and feelings, how he deals with it and all that. It's one of the reasons I'm writing this fic in the first place. Obviously the main reason is because I love Ryan and we need more Ryan content, but also I want to just, discuss these kind of topics. And Ryan's a good character to do that with because his character is such a mystery it's kind of a free-for-all on how he's presented. Anyway I'm rambling. Thank you so much for the, as always, lovely review. It is much appreciated:)

Justice237- Again, i am very happy to hear that the experiences I'm writing about can be seen as relatable to readers. It really makes the story feel like a community thing, if that isn't too cheesy to say. Wow really? You did A Level music? That's so cool! I'm only on the GCSE music at the moment, but it's one of the only subjects I really enjoy (I know it's impossible to tell, but I'm a complete music nerd.) Nah, I don't mind you talking about yourself, it's interesting, and nice to get to know my readers. I'm impressed, and very glad, that you noticed the slight comparison between the mystery girl/playing guitar analogy in the first chapter, and Ryan coming face to face with it with this mystery boy in chapter four. Like he hates all these cliches, and this boy in front of him. But he can't really escape either of them. Aha, yes you noticed the fourth wall break. Yup that was a reference to it actually being a TV show. Seriously, I'm so glad (I've said that like fifteen times) that I can transport the reader to different locations and situations, because I find that's quite important in writing, mainly so you don't get lost and it adds to the realism. But yeah, it's good to hear I'm managing to do it correctly. So thank you very much! (Hm yeah, it's good to have a similar location to superimpose the location in the book. I actually don't have a local skatepark so I kinda just model it on what I've seen on TV and stuff.) Hm, yeah Ryan's interactions with strangers has no doubt affected his mentality on his general love life. He probably thinks that strangers in the skate park are the best he's gonna get, and it's not even worth thinking about an actual relationship. Anyway, thank you so much for the review, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Yours are always so awesome and helpful:D

Mkay guys, I'm gonna try my absolute hardest not to leave it so late next time. Although don't me to it. I'm not making any promises. Next chapters gonna have quite a lot to it.


	6. Girls and Boys

_"He's more your type if I'm honest."_

Once things had gone back to normal and Ryan didn't find it so hard to leave his room, he'd occasionally been replaying the last conversation he'd had with Charlie. Since it had mostly been about Thomas he couldnt really help but listen, but it wasn't really Thomas he was thinking about. Not directly anyway. He was thinking about why Charlie had said that Thomas was his type. Once Ryan had gotten over the initial surprise that not only was there a vague possibility that the two of them were compatible but that it was also visible to other parties (something that he was not particularly happy about), he'd wondered why Charlie had bothered to say something like that. It wasn't a suggestion it was a joke. There was no way Charlie could know because he'd never told a soul. Well, that wasn't strictly true. He'd told one person, once. But as that person never had and never would have any contact with any person in this house, it wasn't even an option worth worrying about.

However, there was something about the way she'd said it that he liked. She was teasing. Friendly teasing that they did all the time. She would have said the same thing if Thomas had been a girl. She had said it because it was funny to see the reaction one gives when accused of having a crush on someone. She'd say the same thing if she knew that Ryan was gay and thought he had a crush on a guy.

And that thought alone made him want to tell her more that anything. He wanted her to tease him about having a crush on a boy. He wanted her to shoot him knowing looks from across a room when he was talking animatedly to a male classmate, like she occasionally did when he appeared to be interested in a girl. Maybe when she actually did all that stuff he would find it extremely annoying, but for the moment he liked the thought that for once someone would treat him normally just for being who he was. He'd never really experienced that before. The first time he came out was almost the last. Ryan shuddered at the thought. He didn't want to think about that time.

But it was years ago now. He needed to move on from that bad experience and just let himself live his life. And he needed to start by telling Charlie.

He sat at his desk for hours, staring blankly at his computer. He'd turned it on to play games, as a distraction, but he couldn't focus at all. So he gave up and fell deep in thought, not even noticing that he'd lost the game ages ago. Music was blasting from one of the open tabs but Ryan couldn't be bothered to scroll through and find which one it was. So he sat there with some Enimem song as the background music to his thoughts.

If Ryan told Charlie he was gay, would he have to tell her about Thomas as well? He was getting tired of trying to pretend to himself that he didn't like Thomas, but he had known that it would end badly. He didn't think it was necessary to tell Charlie because there wouldn't be much point. Nothing would happen between him and Thomas because there would always be that glaringly obvious problem that Thomas was straight. Ryan just needed to forget about it. There'd be other guys, no big deal. He couldn't have a boyfriend while he was in school anyway.

He'd tell Charlie tomorrow. The sooner he got it over with the better. Perhaps if he considered this his first time coming out, things would be okay. He just had to make sure that he wouldn't think about before. Because he couldn't let the past control his future. Not anymore. The future would be too painful otherwise.

* * *

_"You can't tell anyone, okay? It's a secret," whispered Ryan, leaning in close to the boy next to him. He couldn't let anyone else hear what he was about to say, it was too private. And it wasn't really a normal conversational gambit, especially when you were eleven. His opening statement should ideally have been "so on Minecraft yesterday-". But unbelievably, this was more important than Minecraft. The school bell had just rung and they were surrounded by the eccentric and nonsensical chatter of primary school-aged children, weaving together their stories of classroom activities and playground games, to the listening ears of enthusiastic parents. Ryan had decided to walk home with his friend Elliott, who lived on the same street as his care home._

_Perhaps 'friend' was an overstatement. Yes, they hung out at school sometimes and yes, Ryan had occasionally been over to Elliott's house, but that was simply to play video games with the multiplayer option on. They weren't exactly life-long pals. Walking home together was usually for convenience. Ryan was a loner and Elliott had his own group of completely different friends, none of whom were particularly keen on Ryan. And Ryan wasn't keen on them. But he liked Elliott. The boy was small, quiet and good at keeping secrets, and unlike everyone else he didn't seem to mind being around Ryan, which was always a bonus. So Ryan had eventually, after long contemplation and observation, deemed him trustworthy enough to tell. His social worker was constantly on at him to trust people more anyway, so perhaps this would be good for him. He'd make his social worker happy at least. And Elliott might not even see it as a big deal. That would be an ideal scenario. Ryan was sick of having his whole life revolve around this one thing that seemed so small to him and yet to others, classmates and social workers, it was all they saw him as. He just wanted someone to say 'okay' and then ask if he wanted to play a game of football. He wanted to feel normal for once. And perhaps Elliott could provide that. Ryan was terrified of course. He still wasn't quite ready to admit to himself what his feelings meant, but he felt like he needed to tell someone, and he wanted to know the reaction. Surely it couldn't hurt just to mention it, right?_

_"Uh, okay. What is it?" Elliott looked at him cautiously, but also with a certain amount of encouragement. He found Ryan to be such a fascinatingly mysterious character that he was eager to hear what Ryan had to say._

* * *

Ryan breathed in deeply and then exhaled. Slowly. Five seconds in, seven seconds out. He swallowed. They were on the bed, him and Charlie, in her bedroom. He'd come in originally to help with her physics homework, a subject he was very good at despite finding it soul-crushingly boring when not being discussed on a particularly good episode of The Big Bang Theory. It was a weak point for Charlie though, so he was regularly roped in to help.

They worked in relative silence, Ryan explaining certain formulas here and there and observing how she used them, for around forty minutes before eventually admitting to equal levels of boredom. And a moment later, Ryan left to collect his laptop so they could watch TV. They sat side by side on Charlie's bed with the laptop balanced between themselves, one side on Charlie's left leg the other on Ryan's right, and began to watch some old American sitcom, one which Ryan for once didn't mind the constant stream of quick one-liners because some of them were actually quite good. Charlie laughed quietly along with the canned laughter that erupted from his speakers every few seconds or so, but Ryan remained subdued. He wasn't focusing properly on the jokes so he kept missing the punchline. For the last half an hour, Ryan had been trying to convince himself that now was as good a time as any to tell her. He hadn't quit the physics homework just because he was bored, he had simply started- hypothetically- planning on what he'd say to her, but he grew more and more serious about it until he wasn't able to concentrate on what Charlie was working on. He'd mess up his explanations and she'd end up failing, and he didn't want that.

Okay, so he _had _technically decided that he'd tell her today, no matter what (an extra detail he'd only added in for encouragement, knowing full well that if there was an opportunity not to tell her, he wouldn't think twice about taking it), but it still felt too soon. They'd been friends for ages now and they'd known each other for even longer, so it felt weird keeping something like this from her, but at the same time... was he ready? He sighed. No, he wasn't ready. And until he'd gotten it over with and seen her reaction, he'd never be ready. If he didn't do it now he'd be hiding forever, living like someone else simply because he was permanently waiting until he felt _ready. _He was as ready as he could force himself to be, and right now that had to be enough.

Ryan took in another deep breath to calm down. If he had an anxiety attack at a time that didn't appear to call for one, sitting quietly watching light-hearted entertainment, he'd look and feel like a bit of an idiot. And he'd also have to explain why he was panicking in the first place. And then he'd have to come out in a way that he hadn't planned. But it was also the idea of coming out that was making him panic, so now- now he was in a loop. Great.

'Calm the hell down,' he told himself sternly. He was making too much of a big deal out of this. It was ridiculous.

A few more seconds passed and he felt relatively confident that he wouldn't start hyperventilating suddenly and freak Charlie out. So he turned the volume down slightly on his laptop; not turning it off completely (he didn't want to continue making a big thing of this), and looked over at her. Charlie stared back, confused as to what he was doing.

"I can't hear it now," she said. Ryan ignored the comment and fought to get his mouth to open and form some kind of a sentence.

"I need to uh... talk to you about something," he began, his voice barely more than a whisper. It refused to go any louder, as if it hoped that Charlie wouldn't hear a word that he was about to say, and then they could go back to watching trashy TV, and Ryan could feel satisfied in the knowledge that he _had_ technically come out, it's just that Charlie hadn't heard. Not his fault, nothing could be done, life moves on. Unfortunately for him though, she had heard. And her face was now a mix of curiosity and concern. There was no going back now.

* * *

_"So, it's kinda weird but, don't like freak out or anything." Ryan had no clue what to say. He'd certainly never done this before, and he never thought he'd ever have to do this, or at least, he'd hoped he wouldn't. But it was getting too hard to deny that nothing was wrong. That everything was normal. He couldn't be sure that what he was feeling was... what he was feeling. But he knew that other boys didn't feel this way. He and his classmates were still quite young, and girls weren't really a big deal to them yet. But they still knew that one day they'd want a girlfriend. They still knew that they'd want to kiss them or whatever. Some of the more "mature" ones already had, and they had felt quite pleased about it. It was all they could talk about, along with making crude comments about the prettier girls in their class. But Ryan didn't really understand their comments. He just couldn't see what the big deal was. He'd hoped that maybe he _was_ just too young. A teacher had once overheard one of their conversations about this girl from the local secondary school which they'd all be attending to next September. The teacher had told them off quite harshly, saying that they were "much too young to be thinking about such things." She was quite old-fashioned but that didn't mean she was wrong. Ryan almost prayed that she wasn't wrong. But if he was too young then he wouldn't be thinking about anyone that way. And he did. Just not towards girls like he was supposed to._

_"So... the thing is..." Should he say it quickly? Or beat around the bush a little? Once again, he felt the panic of being in uncharted territory. How should he go about this? He thought it was best to get it over with and deal with any consequences as fast as possible. "I think I like boys."_

_Elliott was silent for a full moment. He was looking very confused, but apart from that Ryan couldn't read his face at all._

_"Huh?" Was all Elliott said when he'd finally found his voice. Ryan stared at him. Had Elliott not heard? Ryan felt a little hopeful. Now that he'd actually said... _it..._out loud, he wanted to take it back. Not because he thought it wasn't true, completely the opposite actually. That was the problem. He'd never said it out loud before, and perhaps he should have. The realisation of what he was truly admitting, to himself and Elliott, hit him full force all at once, and he felt like running, or crying. And he definitely didn't want anyone else to know. But it was too late. There was no way Elliott hadn't heard, they were right next to each other. Elliott was just making sure he'd heard correctly. Ryan would have to keep talking. He'd have to keep explaining something that he didn't fully understand himself. And he'd have to keep saying the truth out loud whether he wanted to or not._

_"Boys. I like them. I think I'd rather have a boyfriend than a girlfriend." He had to choke the words out, and he wasn't sure if he was making any sense._

_Elliott stopped walking, so Ryan had to turn around to face him. He still couldn't read the boy's expression, but he could feel the fear rising inside his chest. Elliott was staring at him so intently that he couldn't help but lower his gaze. He saw that his hands were shaking._

* * *

"What is it?" Charlie had waited silently for a moment for Ryan to speak, but he was still struggling to find the words, so she was starting to get impatient, though she still seemed more worried than anything else. Ryan could understand why. He never wanted to talk so this was obviously serious. She was probably half expecting policemen to burst through the door any minute and arrest Ryan for some outrageous crime. But the room remained quiet, the kind of intimidating quiet that made Ryan feel very exposed. But this was stupid. He couldn't sit here forever and say nothing. Charlie would get annoyed, or think him mad. And she couldn't just leave because this was her room. _He'd_ have to leave, and that would be horrifically awkward.

Another second passed and he decided that it was now or never. He had to say something. Anything.

"I don't like this show."

* * *

_"I don't get it. You mean you're like, gay or something?" Ryan thought about it. Elliott had said it so easily but Ryan had refused to use the word 'gay' in the past however many months he'd been thinking about this. It felt too final. Like there was nothing he could do about it. But that was stupid. Just because he didn't want to give it a word, didn't mean it would all just go away. He'd have to say it eventually. He'd have to think it eventually._

_"Um... I don't know. Maybe." Ryan still hadn't looked up. He was too scared to see if Elliott's expression had changed or not. But Elliott wasn't saying anything now. Was he just thinking? Or had he legged it immediately, leaving Ryan to stand there with his head down like a weirdo. Ryan didn't like that thought so he forced himself to at least raise his eyes. Elliott was still there. Watching. His mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something but couldn't quite think of the words. His face was still just as unreadable as before, but finally he took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on Ryan's._

_"Okay," he said shortly, his voice wobbling ever so slightly as if he had to force the word out. Ryan suddenly felt as confused as Elliott had been. His physical reaction had seemed much more dramatic than his verbal reaction. They didn't match. Something was off._

_"Okay?" Repeated Ryan, in an almost challenging tone. Elliott glanced at his feet, looking painfully uncomfortable as if he very much wanted to be far away from here, and far away from Ryan. Ryan couldn't help but sympathise. He _had_ just dropped this out of the blue, and it was by no means a fun nor lighthearted conversation. It was the type of thing you talked about with a parent, or counsellor, or best friend. But since Ryan had none of those, Elliott was really his only option. He just hoped that Elliott's awkwardness was simply because the conversation was... well, awkward. _

_"Uh... yeah. Okay. Whatever. I don't... care." There was a pause. Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but Elliott immediately cut him off._

_"I think I should uh... go. I need to go." He started walking in the opposite direction._

_"Your house is his way," called Ryan, pointing his thumb in the direction of where they'd been walking, before he ruined the entire mood._

_"I know, I just... left something at school." Without pausing, Elliott turned the corner, and Ryan was left standing alone on the pavement. Like an idiot._

* * *

I don't like this show._ I don't like this show_. Ryan internally kicked himself and his eyes raised up towards the ceiling in disbelief, as if to say "are you actually kidding me?" to his brain. Charlie stared at him like he was crazy, and Ryan had every sympathy.

"You what?" She said. Ryan had two choices here. He could either come out right now and admit that he had just been too nervous to say it at first, which was actually perfectly reasonable and he wouldn't lose much face. She might laugh at him a bit but she'd understand. Or, he could continue looking like an idiot and stick to this sudden hatred of a TV show which was apparently so great that he needed to have a serious conversation over it. Surely it was obvious which choice was best.

"You heard. The show sucks. Dunno why we're watching it." Christ almighty.

"You put it on," reminded Charlie. If he could just say it now, right now, he could still get away with it. Keep some dignity.

"Yeah, 'cos I thought you liked it."

"I mean, I'm pretty indifferent if I'm honest. You could have just said first time."

"Well I didn't, so..." Ryan looked at the door, judging the distance and working out if he could successfully dive through it from where he was sitting. However, the door was closed, and he was confident that, tempting as it was right now, slamming his head against the wood probably wouldn't make the conversation any less awkward. And Charlie was still staring.

"What?" Defended Ryan, as if anything he had said in the past five minutes made sense. Charlie raised an eyebrow at him.

"What do you mean 'what'? You're acting weird."

"No I'm not," he sulked, and even quieter added "you are."

"I'm _really_ not. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing! Just... shut up." He wasn't angry at her, of course. He was entirely pissed at himself for chickening out. But either way, he was in a bad mood. And since Charlie was the only person in the room, she had to take the brunt of it.

There was silence between them for a second, before Ryan decided that he couldn't take it any more, and he abruptly stood up, walked out of the room, and slammed the door.

* * *

_Ryan didn't hear from Elliott for the rest of the day. He tried to call him a few times once he got back home, but he gave up after it kept going to voicemail. He didn't leave any messages._

_"Maybe he's not mad, maybe he just got kidnapped coming back from school," said one of the older kids who had asked why Ryan kept looking at his phone. Ryan had briefly explained that he'd had a conversation with a friend and it hadn't ended well, skipping of course over the detail of what the conversation had been about._

_"How is that supposed to help?" Ryan sighed, checking his phone one more time before putting it away, feeling dejected and pretty sorry for himself._

_"I dunno. Solves your problem I guess."_

_He was up all night going over every detail of his interaction with Elliott, telling himself how much he'd screwed it all up, and not only that but now Elliott _knew_. What had he been thinking? He couldn't trust anyone with a secret like that._

_Before going to sleep, Ryan sent one last text:_

**Please don't tell anyone.**

_No reply._

_Ryan did not want to go to school the next day. He couldn't think of anything worse. Elliot would most likely continue to ignore him, and though they weren't exactly close in school and it wouldn't make much of a difference ordinarily, Ryan still didn't really fancy the looks that Elliott would no doubt give him, or the panic he'd feel every time he saw Elliott talk to his friends._

_What Ryan didn't know at that point, was just how much worse it would actually be._

* * *

He avoided Charlie for the rest of the day, which wasn't too hard since all he did was stay in his room. He was surprised that she hadn't tried to bother him about what happened, but he assumed that she was just mad at him. He had acted pretty unreasonably towards her after all. But he didn't apologise. Because despite everything, he was still too proud to confront her again and admit that he'd been an idiot, so he simply refused to look her in the eye, or speak to her. Like a coward.

He knew that Charlie would eventually break her silence towards him and ask what the hell was going on, and he knew he'd have to tell her, and that scared him. So he tried to put it off for as long as possible. It would be easier on Monday when they got to school, because he hardly saw her during school anyway, but the journey there was a worry. It would take Charlie a second to ask what was wrong, and it would take a second for Ryan to answer. And there'd be 600 seconds for this to happen.

'Why're you being such a wimp?' Ryan said to himself that night, lying flat on his bed and as usual unable to quieten his thoughts and go to sleep. 'It's so much hassle, can't you just tell her?'

'Remember what happened last time we told someone? Last time we trusted someone? How it ended?' Ryan replied back, trying desperately to forget what he was telling himself to remember.

'That's because you told the wrong person. Charlie wouldn't-'

'Doesn't matter. Once I tell her, I'll have to tell everybody, and no one can keep a secret in this damn place. Soon people at school would know. That's where it all goes wrong.'

'You don't have to tell everyone...' But the voice said it quietly, trailing off at the end as if it wasn't convinced of what it was saying. Truth was, he didn't have to tell everybody, but he would have to tell Chloe. No matter how much they didn't get along sometimes, he couldn't exactly keep this from his sister, not for long. And as much as he wanted to trust her with this secret, she hadn't yet proved herself to be trustworthy. Not towards him anyway. What if this was like that time she told Tee and Sasha that he was scared of ghost stories? He knew she hadn't done it to be malicious, if anything she was trying to get them to stop spying on him. But she'd been too trustworthy. And that was the problem. She trusted everyone, he trusted no one. It was one of the many differences between each other. Furthermore, Chloe was best friends with Candi-Rose, Ashdene Ridge's resident gossip. If Chloe told her it'd be all over. The whole house, the whole school, the whole bloody world would know within 24 hours. So he just couldn't risk it. But sometimes taking a risk wasn't as hard as not taking it.

* * *

_Ryan knew something was wrong as soon as he entered the classroom. Not that it wasn't immediately obvious. When he opened the door everyone went silent and stared at him, as if he was the teacher, about to reprimand them for sitting on the tables. But it wasn't a scared or respectful silence, it was more like they were waiting for something to happen, something involving Ryan. A few people were hiding their smiles with their hands, or stifling laughter. Ryan instantly felt the familiar wave of dread wash over him. Two people glanced quickly at the whiteboard then back at him. Ryan followed their gaze, and his stomach plummeted. The words 'Ryan Reeves is queer' were written right across the board in capital letters. A few sniggers went around the classroom as they saw that Ryan had finally noticed._

_He didn't let anyone see his reaction. He was angry and upset, but the only visible sign of distress was a single twitch of a muscle in his jaw, and he calmly walked up to the board, took the eraser, and rubbed out those four words. The class lost it over Ryan's unsubtle acknowledgement, and the laughter and shouts didn't die down until the teacher arrived and informed them all that he could hear them from outside and if they didn't shut up he'd lock them all in the supply cupboard. No one ever knew if he was joking or not. He was quite nice though, and if he had seen the crude message scrawled across the board he might have actually done something. But Ryan didn't want that. For starters, no matter what the teacher did it wouldn't make much of a difference. The kids would just bully him in secret. And this way, it wouldn't be drawn attention to. There was nothing worse than the whole class being forbidden to leave until the culprit of whatever childish joke they'd done had come forward, and the victim had to sit there while every pair of eyes were glaring at his head, as if it was his fault. As if he had asked to be harassed. It was easier this way._

_The teacher told Ryan to sit back down, and by the look he gave he probably suspected that Ryan had caused all the noise, which was technically true but ironically, Ryan had yet to say a word. And as he turned back towards the smug-looking students, he caught sight of Elliot, right at the back, whispering something to his neighbour and grinning. Ryan wanted nothing more than to punch that stupid grin off his face. It didn't exactly take a genius to work out who had written the words. The anger in Ryan's eyes must have been visible because when Elliott briefly met them, his smile faltered, and a tiny flicker of what looked like guilt crossed across his face for a moment, but quickly passed as someone else whispered a reply in his ear, and guilt quickly turned to amusement. Ryan sat down at his desk and faced away from him. If this is what happened when you told someone you were gay, then he vowed never to do it again._

* * *

'What happened next?'

His mind asked, forcing him to relive the memories. Ryan knew exactly what happened next. He didn't need to remind himself, it's all he'd been thinking about lately. What happened next was about six months of pure torture. He knew kids could be cruel but surely this was a different level? Kids couldn't really think these things nowadays, could they? But as usual that was simply wishful thinking. School kids were like sharks. They stalked the corridors looking for their prey. But instead of flesh, their prey were kids with the wrong haircut or the wrong clothes. Ryan's hair and clothes were fine, he even managed to look cool sometimes, but there was of course that small little snag of him liking boys. Before, he'd been able to swim around quite easily, hidden from the sharks' view, who were far away and weren't bothered about him anyway. But Elliot had broken Ryan's leg, and Ryan was now splashing around trying not to drown, which had inadvertently alerted the sharks and they had started to take an interest.

He'd tried to fight, at first. Words weren't enough so he usually used his fists. Anytime anyone laughed at him or shouted something stupid at him or called him things he didn't want to be called, they'd most often end up with a black eye or split lip. And it worked for a while. Not wanting to risk a broken face most people left him alone, but when he went up against the toughest and meanest kids, most of whom had managed to rope in their older brothers from Secondary school, he walked away as, if not more damaged than they did, physically and mentally. He knew all about sticks and stones and words, but when you thought about it, insults could be hurled in just the same way as bullets, and though he was no expert, Ryan was pretty fucking sure that bullets hurt. So these kids not only had their fists but they also had the added weapon of numerous, fierce insults, rained down upon Ryan between punches.

Eventually he just got tired. He stopped hiding the bruises from the care workers, he stopped fighting the other kids and suspension, he stopped caring altogether. Something had happened to him. Something was wrong.

Ryan rolled over so that his head was buried into his pillow. It was quiet and dark. Four years ago he started feeling what he felt now, that emptiness, that hopelessness. Like nothing would ever change, and he'd be stuck in this eternal loop. And four years ago he didn't know what to do about it. It crept up on him without any warning and latched itself onto his chest, his throat and his brain, squeezing until the life drained out of him. And it was permanent as well. There were no good days or bad days like there were now. There was nothing to fight for. Just a dark tunnel that went on forever.

Ryan regularly wondered whether the bullying was solely to blame. It was certainly an important factor- it wasn't exactly easy waking up every morning knowing that hoards of kids were waiting for him at the gates, fists raised and tongues sharpened- or if it was just inevitable. Ryan had always been a rather sad and lonely child, who'd already suffered through a lot by the time most kids were learning to ride a bike. His mother had caused him to develop an overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-hatred which had eaten him alive. Ryan was screwed from the beginning.

And the realisation of all this hit him full force four years ago. And he was pissed. If he'd been written off by the universe before he'd even had a chance to live, what was the point of carrying on? What did he have in life? Who did he have? His mum hated him enough already. If she knew that he was... well, needless to say, even if Chloe's accident had never happened, it'd still be inevitable that he'd be kicked out and disowned. And he'd ruined Chloe's life so she hated him as well. He didn't deserve to live unharmed after what he did to Chloe. So what did he have to lose? All there was at the moment was school, and he didn't think he could bare spending the next seven years or so trapped in a place that wasn't made for people like him. He'd be lucky if he _survived _the next seven years. And after school? A job? No one lived for their job, and Ryan didn't know what he wanted to be anyway. The only reason he studied hard was so he could one day escape from this place. Marriage? Yeah, like he'd ever be able to marry a man. He knew school didn't accept him but did the world? If his interactions with the so-called "future generation" had anything to go by, probably not. What else was there? Kids? Same problem. Besides, he didn't think he'd be a very good father. He hadn't even been able to look after his little sister. What if the same thing happened to his own kid? He wouldn't be able to live with himself ever again.

'Face it,' he'd told himself. 'You have nothing to live for.' He'd tried to convince himself otherwise.

'Don't be stupid, of course I do. I thought we wanted to leave this place one day, go to university, get a flat, travel the world even.'

'Alone? No ones ever liked you, Ryan. And no one ever will. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere.'

'You're just being dramatic. Just cos I told Elliott. I know I shouldn't have but-'

'But you did. And you saw what the reaction was. That's what the world thinks of you, Ryan. Do you really want to live like that? Forever? It won't change when you get to Secondary cos they already know. And it'll follow you into uni, and then life. I don't want that. Do you?'

'I mean... I guess not.'

* * *

They found him in the bathroom on a Wednesday afternoon, when he should have been in school. He'd been sitting in the headmaster's office after a meeting had been set up by his social worker about suspected bullying. He didn't want to talk to the headmaster and tell him what was going on, and pretend that he didn't know who'd beat him up, or followed him home or sent him texts and messages and posts telling him to kill himself, but at the same time he couldn't help but hope that maybe the headmaster would help him. After all, didn't he have a duty to help every student no matter what? Ryan just wanted one person to tell him that he was normal, and that it was okay to feel what he was feeling. But of course, it never happened.

The headmaster wouldn't look Ryan in the eye as he asked whether or not he'd tried to keep out of their way. Ryan had monotonously replied 'yes', but inside every last string that was holding him up snapped, and he just wanted to leave, and go somewhere dark, and close his eyes, and sleep forever.

"Maybe you haven't tried hard enough." Ryan pondered the statement for a moment, realised it wasn't even worth responding, stood up, and without a word, left the room. As the door shut he was vaguely aware of his name being called. But Ryan didn't turn around. He tuned out his surroundings and walked right out of school without hesitation, his whole body feeling numb.

He didn't stop until he got back to the house. He didn't stop until he'd opened the door and walked upstairs without anyone noticing. He didn't stop until he'd shut himself in the bathroom. He didn't stop until the bottle of painkillers were in his hand.

Then it should have stopped forever.

But the last thing he heard was screaming, and soon after, a siren. And the darkness was interrupted by flashing blue lights. So now everything was moving faster than ever, hurtling Ryan into hospitals, therapy sessions, medications, new care home, new school, right into the present day, as fifteen year old Ryan walked back home from school with Charlie next to him, sharing an iPod between themselves. It was calm and quiet, and Ryan didn't feel nervous anymore. He was done with that. He'd already suffered through the worst years ago. And he didn't want it to have been in vain. That nothing would ever change and therefore wouldn't have even mattered if he had lived or died.

Ryan took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and turned towards Charlie.

"I need to tell you something."

* * *

_Author's note:_

OH MY GOD I TOOK SO FUCKING LONG TO PUBLISH THIS WHY DO I EVEN EXIST

For real though, I do have to cut down on my writing since I have my first three GCSEs coming up in the next few months so I'm studying for like ten hours a day. By the time I find time to write I'm exhausted. But I promise I'm not gonna stop, it's just that chapter's will have to be stretched out.

Anyway, I hope this chapter was okay. Halfway through I almost gave up on it completely cos I was convinced that it was shit, but I kept going and hopefully... hopefully it isn't shit. But the last couple of paragraphs are scaring me and i hope i didnt screw it up.

And now time for my favourite Starkid musical: REPLYING TO REVIEWS (lyrics by Jeff Blim)

Dark Heart 945:

Ah man, has the update worked yet? It doesn't matter if it hasn't I actually forgot I named the chapters song titles, which reminds me i have to think of a song title for this chapter. Damn it.

I'm glad I could convey Ryan's feelings during his depressive episodes, that's obviously important to me. And yeah, the story's fully underway now so that's fun.

Hm, yeah I was thinking about it, and my headcanon is that Mike and May Li are aware that he has mental health issues, but they believe they're mild, and they don't realise the actual extent. Like, Ryan's deteriorated and they're just not aware. Although this chapter might add some complications to that theory, so I'm simply going to stick to the "Ryan deleted the email" thing and not think too much about because fanfiction: ignores canon harder than ever.

Ugh, sorry. Autocorrect fail, as usual. I changed it to "miss" which is what it's supposed to say.

Anyway, thanks so much for the review! Appreciate it!

CharlieSMarts12:

Thank you so much for review, as always it was awesome! Yeah, I think it's important for mental health to be talked about openly so I wanted a chapter that explained it properly, or at least as best as I could explain it. Haha, yeah I love writing the interactions between Thomas and Ryan and Ryan's permanen mixed feelings about this boy. Like he's so desperate not to have a crush on him but poor bean can't help it. Honestly, I can't wait to see where I'm taking this story lol. Anyway, again thanks so much for the review!

Justice237:

Thank you so much for your review, I'm glad to hear I've been able to capture Ryan's relationship with Charlie, and the two sides of what it's like to live with mental health issues, both as the sufferer and as the people in their lives who have the job of supporting them. It's really hard to know what to do in that situation, and how to handle it. I've experienced both like you have as you say. Both with supporting a friend, and as the person who needs help sometimes with mental health problems. And, again, I'm glad that I've been able to portray that. Exactly! I agree with everything you say, mental disorders are really hard to treat because everyone experiences them differently, and not only that they're 'invisible' to the outside world, unless talked about. And there are many reasons that people don't talk about them. Which is also why it's so important to get them out in the open if we have any chance of being able to help and support people properly.

Ah, thank you. I've never been much of a fan of the immediate love at first sight, cos usually that doesn't happen. Relationships have to build over time until you get to that point, and in keeping with Ryan's character, it's more likely that he'd start out hating Thomas than loving him.

Yeah, I've read many descriptions of people describing the days of depression and it's really hard to hear that people consider bad days to be, well good day, because their depression can just get so bad. It's even hard to write about because I know there are people who feel like this, and some are having an even worse time than Ryan. But, again, it's very important to talk about openly.

Hm, yeah I know how tough music can be, so much so that I'm not even planning on pursuing it onto A Level, so honestly I'm impressed that you managed to get through a year of it. I'm already struggling with the GCSE, but luckily I have some good resources so it'd be a shame not to get at least one exam. And thank you! I'll try my best lol.

Linneagb:

Okay, so I loved getting all your reviews, thank you so much. And that Swedish saying is awesome, I'm definitely gonna have to use that from now on. I'm happy to hear you liked all the details. I'm very focused on details when I write, even down to certain hand movements and stuff that characters do, cos I want to make my writing as vivid as possible. And I'm a little bit of a perfectionist lol.

Yes, poor Ryan really needs someone to stand by him, luckily he has Charlie of course, but in the show I hate how he's so alone, like they refuse to give him a consistent friend. If he does make friends usually it only lasts for a few episodes. I was hoping that after the episode at the stables that perhaps his and Charlie's friendship could be developed, but nOpe. Cos Ryan has to be the loner I guess *sigh*. So that's what my fanfiction's for. Doing the things that the show should have done but didn't.

Ah, thanks. It is stressful trying to update fast, and I've taken aaaaaaages to publish this chapter, but with exams and stuff I simply can't update consistently. I just have to hope that my lovely readers don't get bored and leave. But I'm sure they won't. Because they're lovely. And thank you, I love writing Ryan's character, so I'm glad it's accurate.

Ahhh, thank you so much! I was so worried about that chapter (not as worried as this chapter though) but I've gotten some good feedback so I'm feeling good about it. Yeah, Depression really does suck and it's horrible that people have to go through it. So I'm hoping to shed some light on it. Thank you for reviewing and taking the time to read it. I really appreciate it!

Okay, can't wait for Chapter 7. See you in ten months. (I'm kidding... sort of).

...

Robert Manion is a gift to humanity,


	7. Let Me Down Slowly

Ryan's voice was quiet, almost inaudible, but even so with an unfamiliar hint of confidence. He knew it was the right time, or at least, it didn't feel like it was the wrong time. He felt ready. Finally. And though he had a list as long as his arm of all the possible negative outcomes and consequences, at this moment it was scrunched up in the corner of his mind, powerless to infiltrate the rest of him with fear and doubt. It was still there of course, but for once it wasn't his main focus. Saying words out loud so Charlie could hear was his main focus. Charlie looked over at him, and raised an eyebrow.

"What's wrong now?" She asked sarcastically, yesterday's incident still clearly fresh in her memory. "Do you not like the music on _your_ IPod that _you_ put on?" Ryan met her eyes steadily and his lack of retaliation made her retract ever so slightly. She breathed out.

"Does this have anything to do with what you were going to tell me yesterday?" She asked. Ryan looked at the pavement, and nodded.

"Are you actually going to tell me this time?" She pressed.

"I'll certainly try," he replied, lacing and unlacing his fingers together. He needed a moment to sort his words out. He didn't want it coming out all backwards.

"So, I've been meaning to tell you for a while now but... the timing never felt right." Which was putting it mildly, he thought.

"You haven't murdered anyone have you?" Ryan smiled.

"No, nothing illegal. Not yet anyway."

"I find that hard to believe but go on." Ryan took a second to find his voice again after Charlie's minor but, considering it was him she was talking to, valid disruption.

"Alright so... you wanna know the real reason that I don't want Thomas to ask you out?" Charlie nodded, intrigued, and Ryan couldn't believe he was about to admit this to her. He was hoping it'd be a secret he'd take to his grave but as usual, no such luck.

"It's because I was jealous." He refrained from flinching at his own words and, despite refusing to make any sort of eye contact with Charlie, he was fairly certain her expression was a mixture of shock and confusion, which nearly made Ryan laugh. After all this, was Ryan admitting he was jealous about something going to be the biggest surprise in this conversation? It was certainly something to think about.

"I'm sorry?" She said. Ryan gave her an almost pleading look, willing her not to make him repeat himself, but of course she was loving every second of this. He sighed.

"I was jealous. Of you and Thomas. Of you being with Thomas, of Thomas being with you, alright?" Charlie stared vaguely at a point just beyond his face, as if she was thinking about something.

"You're not about to reveal that you're secretly in love with me, are you?" Ryan stopped dead and must have looked so shocked that Charlie began to laugh at him, but more in response to his expression rather than an I'm-messing-with-you laugh, as if she considered her statement to be an actual possibility. This was something that Ryan had been trying to avoid, but clearly he'd beaten around the bush too much and she'd jumped to humiliating conclusions.

"Oh, God no!" Affirmed Ryan, more harshly than he'd intended.

"Alright, jeez. No need to sound so disgusted." Shit. Now he'd offended her. This was not going to plan, no matter how tatty the plan was in the first place. Ryan leant against the wall of one of the houses they were passing, and ran his hands through the hair at his temples.

"Okay, let me start again," he said to the ground. "This hasn't gone great so far." He raised his head to look at her. "Charlie, I am not in love with you. I do love you, but not like that." His voice was steady, he was on a roll now. "However, my problem with you and Thomas did involve me liking someone." He emphasised 'someone', hoping that Charlie would make the connection and say it for him. She was looking confused though, so he persevered, and finally admitted to what had been bothering him for the last few weeks:

"I like Thomas."

He met her eye, and gazed expectantly at her, waiting for a reaction. She appeared to be lost in thought again, but she held his gaze, wordlessly. Had she figured out what was happening yet? Perhaps he'd better clarify.

"I'm gay." He hadn't said those two words out loud for years and he was hoping he'd eventually get used to them. He had brief flashbacks of staring at himself in the mirror and willing his reflection to say them back to him, but it took many failed attempts for the words to form, and when he finally heard them, the finality of it all overwhelmed him to a point of near tears. He hoped he wouldn't react like that now.

Charlie walked silently towards him. Her expression was soft, which he desperately wanted to take as a good sign. She looked down.

"You're shaking," she observed. It took a moment for Ryan to register her words and he lowered his head to look at his hands. They were indeed shaking. He hadn't even noticed. Ryan stuffed them in his pockets, but Charlie took a hold of his wrist.

"Come here." She led him into a nearby alleyway, shielding them from any passing spectators, which he was grateful for. Everything about Charlie's voice and actions were gentle, but he still wasn't quite ready to believe that everything would go okay.

"Are you... surprised?" He asked, when they were between the walls of two houses. He was simply looking for something to break the silence but on some level he was rather curious.

"No," she said, which certainly surprised _him_.

"You knew?" If she already knew then other people might know as well, and he wasn't comfortable with that thought at all. But her steady answer was still "no", and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it. You never seemed interested in anyone, least of all boys, so it didn't cross my mind."

"Well, I wasn't going to openly show interest in any boys. I didn't want people to know."

"Am I the first person you've told?"

"Who else would I tell?"

"Chloe?"

"No. Multiple reasons why not." She smiled at him.

"Well, I'm still happy that you did tell me."

"And you're definitely okay with it?"

"Of course I am." She stopped smiling. "I've never given you the impression that I wouldn't be okay with it, have I?" She sounded so genuinely worried that Ryan felt like hugging her.

"No! Jesus, no of course not. You could be freakin' Ellen DeGeneres and I'd still be afraid of coming out. That's just on me. Don't worry about it."

They were five minutes away from home and Charlie said they'd better get a move on or else Mike and May Li would start wondering where they were. She gave him a swift hug, which he mildly protested against, and the two left the alleyway and continued side by side along the rest of the road, Ryan fighting to suppress a permanent grin. His coming out had finally gone well and this was certainly the lightest he'd felt in a while. He gave a sideways smile at Charlie, careful not to let her notice. Thank God he had her, otherwise he could've been hiding for years. And now that he'd had a taste of what it was like to stop hiding, he didn't think he could've managed that.

They could see the house now. The front was empty, meaning everyone else had either returned or were still at school, or various other after-school hang-outs. Ryan and Charlie walked up the driveway to the front door. Ryan could already hear the familiar shouting and arguing coming from inside. Usually he avoided it by disappearing into his room and not leaving until he was forced down to dinner. But he was in a good mood and Charlie was heading towards the back garden, so he decided to follow. They sat down on the swing chair and stayed in comfortable silence for a few moments, before Charlie decided to speak up.

"So... you like Thomas then?" She said, making Ryan look up at her, then down at his feet, somehow feeling guilty but not entirely sure why.

"I guess. But it's useless isn't it. He asked you out, and you're a girl."

"Thanks for noticing. And that doesn't always mean anything."

"In my limited experience, it means something ninety-eight percent of the time."

"Well then for all you know, that two percent could be... I dunno... maybe he doesn't want anyone to know. Like you. Have you ever asked out any girls?" Ryan thought back. He'd asked out a girl in his class about a year or two ago, simply to prove that he, like every other guy, was attracted to her. He was expecting her to turn him down, like she had everyone else, which he thought would be ideal because then he could still say he'd tried to go out with her, but she just wasn't into it. Unfortunately though, to the surprise of everyone, she didn't turn him down. And for the next few weeks he had a legitimate girlfriend.

Most of it was okay. He didn't mind hanging out with her, or buying her food or watching the odd film here and there that he'd probably have gone to see anyway. But when it came down to the things that separated a friendship from a relationship, Ryan found it to be a bit of a drag. She wanted to hold hands, and he let her, and was then surprised at how uncomfortable it made him feel. He didn't think holding hands was that intimate, but he had of course thought wrong. Her hand just felt clammy and after a couple of minutes he was itching to let go. And not only that but she insisted to let him kiss her goodnight, which felt weird and awkward. So he tried to distance himself from her as much as he could, and eventually she broke it off.

"Yeah, but that was different. I did it cos I had to. Thomas did it because he wanted to. He even asked me if you were single, and I-"

"Told him that I had a boyfriend even though I don't."

"Yeah alright. And he looked disappointed, and then he still asked you. I would've been happy to drop it immediately." Charlie leant back against the wooden swing. It was quiet for the moment, they were nicely sheltered from the house by the trellis.

"There'll be other guys. Teddy Owens in year 11 is pretty hot."

"Teddy Owens in year 11 shags anything that moves."

"Alright, not him then... ooh how about-"

"Charlie it's fine, honestly. I don't want a boyfriend... well, that's not quite true, but it's probably better if I don't have one right now, 'specially not someone from school."

"Okay. But if you ever need a wingwoman. Or a spy. I can spy on Thomas. Not in a weird way, just in a oh-hey-didn't-see-you-there-so-who-do-you-wanna-date? kind of way." Ryan laughed at her.

"I will keep that in mind," he replied, before a shadow fell over them. Ryan looked up; Mike was standing there with his hands on his hips and his eyebrows raised, his usual stance whenever he was near Ryan it seemed.

"Well thank you for telling us you'd returned," he said, sternly and sarcastically. Charlie looked at him apologetically.

"Sorry. We were just... avoiding everyone else?" Mike stared at her.

"You didn't used to do that." He chuckled. "You've been spending too much time with Ryan, I suppose. Our resident hermit." Mike glanced at him. Ryan knew it was a dig. Everything Mike said about him was a dig. But Charlie came to his defence.

"That's not true. Everyone needs a break from that lot from time to time. Can't blame Ryan cos his bedroom's nicer than the kitchen." Mike put his hands up in mock surrender, obviously not expecting Charlie to talk back at him, which was unusual for her. Ryan looked smugly up at the man.

"Alright, alright," Mike replied. "Just next time, let us know when you've come back from school. We've got enough to deal with withought having to send out bloomin' search parties."

* * *

The next day at school, Ryan couldn't focus. He was still experiencing an unfamiliar, yet welcome feeling of elation from yesterday's events, but it was somewhat tainted by a certain someone. He'd knew it was time to stop thinking about Thomas, he'd even made a rule with himself not to, but he didn't even make it till morning break before... breaking it. In fact it was broken as soon as Thomas entered the classroom.

After Ryan had admitted his crush on Thomas, to both himself and Charlie, it was as if his mind had immediately taken the opportunity to allow itself to fantasise freely about the two of them. Most of it was relatively innocent, some of it not so much; suddenly his aversion to any kind of intimacy was thrown right out of the window and it rather threw him off-guard, although at the same time he was a little relieved, but it certainly did nothing to help his concentration. His history teacher accused him of not paying attention when he failed to answer a question on a topic they'd just covered. Ryan had protested, but truth was he wasn't paying attention, or at least, not to the list of names of the people who were prime minister during the Cold War. His focus was instead much more preoccupied with the fact that Thomas wrote with his left hand.

So perhaps his education was in danger, but even though he knew it was a waste of time, a small part of him hoped that maybe the two percent chance of Thomas actually being attracted to him that Charlie had pointed out was worth hoping for. That he'd maybe beat the odds.

Until he caught sight of Thomas outside the school gates, holding hands. With a girl.

Ryan didn't realise how hard he was staring until Charlie had walked right up to him and snapped her fingers in front of his face. He looked at her.

"Nice to see you've returned to Earth," she joked. Ryan didn't reply, just looked back to where Thomas and the girl were standing. Charlie followed his gaze.

"Oh, ouch." She sympathised when she saw what he was looking at. Ryan nodded.

"Yup," he sighed.

"Maybe it's... not what it looks like?"

"Yeah sure. Maybe it's his sister, or his cousin. Or his mum."

"Fine, maybe it is what it looks like. What are you gonna do?"

"Do? I'm not going to do anything." And he wasn't. In fact he was perfectly happy to put this whole thing behind him and get on with something much more worth his time. Like watching TV. Or sleeping.

"I'm gonna go to the skatepark after school," he informed Charlie, picking his school bag up off the ground and slinging it round his shoulder. "Don't tell Mike unless he asks."

The skate park was relatively empty when he first arrived, as was usual on a weekday, and a chilly one at that. Ryan had a jacket but he discarded it almost immediately on one of the ramps. He didn't go near the abandoned ramps this time. He just wanted to skate not sit down and smoke, and the taller ramps near the entrance were more suited to his abilities.

For the first few minutes he simply skated backwards and forwards between two adjoining ramps before practising any new tricks that he'd watched online. He was particularly a fan of the rails and he spent ages grinding along them, getting more ambitious with the tricks as he jumped off, until he could no longer jump without falling off the board first.

Despite this, he was quite skilled at skateboarding; it was one of the few things he allowed himself to take pride in. He could never get to the same level as his old foster brother, Owen, who introduced him to skateboarding in the first place, but many years had gone by since then, and he was confident that he could now be seen as a worthy challenger. He thought about Owen occasionally, not enough for the boy to hold much significance in Ryan's present life, but he did still feel a pang of missing him here and there. He wondered what would've happened if he hadn't fallen out with Owen's other brother. Would he still live there? Would he and Owen still be close? Would the family accept him? But he gave up wondering after a while. What good did it do him? But he was glad that he still found skating just as enjoyable as he had then. It had proven many times to be an affective and much-needed outlet for when he needed to escape the monotony of his daily life.

Ryan was about to attempt a particularly complicated kickflip when a voice behind him made him start and turn, causing him to trip up on the rail and nearly fall flat on his face if he hadn't caught himself in time.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," said the voice, moving quickly towards him. Ryan looked up, and silently cursed himself for acting like a clumsy idiot in front of the now visible speaker: Thomas.

"It's fine, I'm fine. I mean, you didn't scare me." The universe was clearly having a field day.

"Well, good." They stood in silence for a moment. Ryan had no idea how to act. He wanted to get back on his board and pray that Thomas would take the hint and leave, but at the same time, he still had a vague desire to start up another conversation with him. He just wasn't willing to start it.

"Sooo..." began Thomas, digging the toe of his shoe into the ground. "What trick were you trying to do?" Ryan looked back at the rails before replying.

"Um... kickflip off that." He pointed to the nearest rail, the one he'd tripped up on.

"What's a kickflip?"

"Oh, uh... it's when you make your board turn 360 in the air."

"Can I see?" Ryan hesitated. This was an unforeseen third outcome: Thomas actually watching him skate. He didn't want that. He'd be sure to mess up and look stupid. Although, on the other hand, if he didn't mess up he might look cool enough to impress Thomas, or if only to prove that he was more than just a loser, an image that he'd no doubt given Thomas after every one of their interactions.

"Um... sure." Ryan picked his board up and carried it to the top of one of the ramps. Skating down it would give him enough speed to jump on the rail easily.

He did so, as Thomas sat nearby and watched. When he got to the end of the rail he pushed his heel back and flipped the board as he jumped, actually managing to land upright. He was quite pleased with himself, until he heard Thomas clapping for him. Then he shrunk back in embarrassment.

"That was great!" Said Thomas, walking towards him. "Wish I could do that."

"It's not hard."

"Yeah, easy for you to say."

"No, really. I mean, maybe on the rail. But kickflips are alright on their own. Here I'll show you..." Ryan got back on the board and slowly demonstrated each step.

"Place your left foot at the back, and your right foot just to the side, up here..." he placed his right foot just below the front bolts, and his left on the tip of the tail. "Then you bend your right knee, and use the pressure to pop the back." He pushed the board back sharply. "After that, just slide your right foot off the board. That's what flips it." He quickly slid the side of his shoe along the edge and flipped the board. "See. Nothing to it. S'long as you get your feet in the right direction. You try." He rolled the board over to Thomas, who looked at it hesitantly.

"Uh, I don't even think I can stay up on it."

"Sure you can. I'll hold your arm." Without thinking, Ryan held his hand out to steady Thomas, and Thomas gratefully grabbed hold as he struggled to keep the board still.

If Ryan thought it was hard to focus by simply staring at Thomas's hand, it was nothing compared to actually coming into contact with it. His whole attention was focused on that one spot on his shoulder that Thomas was holding, and was even more alert when his hand was on Thomas's shoulder. He knew for certain that he'd be reluctant to let go.

"So, what should I just jump?" Thomas asked suddenly.

"Huh? Oh, uh... yeah. And slide your foot off." Thomas did as he was told, failed to flip the board and almost lost his footing completely. He just managed to re-balance himself but was nowhere near the board now, let alone still on it. Ryan laughed.

"Not bad. Least you didn't fall on your arse."

"Yeah, clearly I'm an expert."

"Oh definitely." Ryan pushed down on the tail of the board so it lifted up. He grabbed it and walked over to where Thomas had sat himself down; the bottom of the ramp, leaning his back against the slant. Ryan slid down next to him.

"Don't think we've ever been in the same place more than five minutes without snapping at each other," observed Thomas.

"Hm. Certainly a new experience. Though to be fair, we've only been alone together a handful of times."

"What about when we're with Charlie?"

"Then we just let Charlie do the talking for us." Thomas smiled as the conversation fell silent. Ryan glanced over at the boy next to him. Thomas appeared to be quite lost in thought. He was examining the horizon but his eyes were vacant and glazed over. Ryan didn't want to interrupt the quiet; he liked just sitting there, so close to Thomas that they were almost touching. The skin on the right side of his body screamed at him to close the gap but, he didn't dare. He decided instead to ask Thomas the question that had been bugging him since lunchtime.

"So I... saw you this afternoon, with a girl. Are you and her-?" He searched for the right word to use but gave up and waited for Thomas to take the cue.

"What? Oh... right, yeah she asked me out."

"And you said yes?"

"We were holding hands, weren't we?"

"Who is she anyway? I don't recognise her."

"She's in the year below. Her name's Emma." Thomas didn't sound very enthusiastic, which Ryan was confused by. Surely if you liked a person you'd be happy to talk about them. Most people didn't shut up about whomever they were dating. But Thomas seemed almost reluctant. Though, perhaps he was just imagining things.

"Oh." He said simply.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just... you moved on from Charlie pretty quickly."

"I barely knew her. It's not like I was head over heels in love. I was only gonna buy her a coffee."

"She doesn't drink coffee."

"Tea then." As the conversation progressed, Ryan could feel he was beginning to close in on himself and his instinct to distance himself from Thomas was starting to kick in. His questions and replies were starting to have a slightly more hostile edge to them.

"Still sounds like you're just moving from girl to girl," he continued, not letting it drop. Thomas gave him a sideways look.

"I thought you'd be happy that I'm not interested in Charlie anymore."

"Why would I be happy?"

"Cos you like her don't you?" Ryan rolled his eyes. Not this again.

"We're friends. That's all we are. Nothing more." It was pointless trying to convince him though. How many times had the "we're just friends" line been used in every book, film and TV show? And how many times had it turned out to be true? Simple answer: too many to count, and zero.

"Uh huh. Sure," replied Thomas in the predictably disbelieving voice.

"Yeah, actually. Boys and girls can just be friends, though I'm sure you're not familiar with that concept."

"Christ Almighty, Ryan, how many girls do you think I've been with? I'll tell you: One. And her name's Emma. Why are you being so weird?"

"I'm not. You are." Ryan was beginning to experience déjà vu. Was that really his only response to that question?"

"No I'm not. You're acting childish. I'm trying my best to get on with you, and sometimes I think it's working, until you suddenly flip, say something mean and bring the whole mood down. Dunno why I bother." Thomas was stood up by now and Ryan wanted to kick himself. He didn't want Thomas to leave, but he also didn't want to look pathetic and ask him to stay. So he decided his only option was to make it worse.

"Yeah, why do you? I didn't ask for you to stalk me everywhere. I don't want to talk to you. You're so annoying."

"Oh I'm annoying, dickhead?" Was his only reply before walking straight out of the park, leaving Ryan to bang his head softly against the ramp, telling himself how much of an idiot he was.

* * *

When Charlie heard about Ryan's freak meeting with Thomas she was interested. Insufferably interested. Until Ryan killed it with news of how badly it ended.

"I screwed it all up. He hates me even more now."

"What did you do?"

"I uh... told him he was annoying." If Ryan wasn't so pissed at himself he'd probably find it funny. It sounded so stupid. Charlie seemed to agree.

"I'm sorry, am I talking to a five year old? You said he was... annoying."

"Well other things were said, but that's basically the gist of it."

"My god, you are hopeless at this flirting business."

"For the last time, he is straight. Flirting is off-limits, okay?"

"Alright fine. But I still can't help but see you two together. It fits, you know?"

"Well then, write a fanfiction." He snapped. Charlie fell silent. "In all seriousness though," he continued, correcting the tone of his voice and trying to keep it soft. "Maybe I'm not quite over him yet. There were... moments, in the park where I just... wanted to be near him..." He raised his head to the ceiling. "God, I sound like a loser."

"Nah, you're fine." She thought for a second. "You need closure. Maybe you should just tell him how you feel and, see his response."

"Don't be so naive. You honestly think I can just go up to a guy and tell 'em I like him, and not expect there to be consequences? I'd like to survive secondary school thanks." She looked at him like he was being ridiculous, though he chose to believe that she was just annoyed at his excellent point. Because it was true. He didn't have the freedom like most people to go up to a crush and reveal his feelings to them, and his only worry being whether or not they liked him back.

"Then, I guess there's nothing more you can do except move one," Charlie concluded. "But for the love of God, don't take this as a cue to give him hell. I know what you're like," she elaborated as he tried to protest. "When your dignity's at stake you get so defensive, and end up offending anyone who even dares look at you."

"That's exaggerating."

"Hardly."

"Alright, fine. I wasn't even going to talk to him anyway, but if I do, I promise I won't get defensive."

* * *

He kept his promise for almost a week, then broke it just before the weekend. All things considered however, he thought it a feat on his part that he'd held out for so long. He'd kept up an image of cool politeness, something he was unused to doing in these circumstances; Charlie was, of course, correct about how he handled situations where his dignity was threatened. A younger Ryan (and by younger he meant about a month, maybe a week younger) would have definitely brought the Thomas situation down to an irreversible level, like with Tee, and Sasha, and Chloe, and Mike and pretty much everyone else in the house besides Charlie. But for once, his relationship with Thomas was still something that could probably- okay possibly- be fixed. And he marked that as a sign of his maturity.

Or at least, until Friday, when Ryan found out that the events at the skatepark had bothered Thomas much more than Ryan had realised. Under normal circumstances, he would've been pleased to know that he wasn't the only one obsessing over it, but the way Thomas revealed it was much too surprising, and over the weekend, it had been the only thing that Ryan could think about:

It was the end of school, and Thomas- out of the blue- decided to walk home with him (Charlie was staying after school for a club thing and, according to Thomas, so was Emma). It was a weird thing to do since Ryan was aware that Thomas lived in the complete opposite direction, so already alarm bells were ringing in his head.

They walked in silence for a full three minutes, a very long time when walking with someone you were on bad terms with but also kinda sorta in love with. Ryan spent those three minutes trying to pluck up the courage to ask why Thomas was walking with him. However, the boy interrupted before he could say a word.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"Huh?"

"I've been trying to think back to my first day, when we started talking, and I can't work out what I did. You're not still mad about the smoking comments are you?"

"Course not. I can't even remember them." That wasn't strictly true. He remembered everything Thomas had said. Not because he was pissed, but because he'd been replaying their first meeting in his head many times, and he always ended up cursing himself for how stupid he'd acted. Smoking with the druggie behind the school building, trying to act cool when he so clearly wasn't.

"So what is it then? I thought we were passed that weird enemy thing. I enjoyed our conversation in the music room. Or at least until you told me my guitar playing was shit."

"It was."

"I don't care. I just want to know why you don't like me." Ryan scoffed, but in his head he desperately wanted to tell him that he'd got it all wrong. He did like him. Really like him. That was the problem. But what was the point of telling him that? Just to embarrass himself? It wasn't worth it.

"Pathetic much? We don't even know each other. You just turned up, and you won't leave me alone. You're obsessed."

"Oh piss off. Like I haven't seen you staring at me like a weirdo."

"What?"

"You're always just there, looking. If you want to say something just say it. I can't read your damn mind."

"Thank God..." Ryan murmured before he could stop himself.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So what is it?"

"Christ, you don't let up, do you? It's nothing. Don't take it personally, I'm an arsehole towards everyone."

"You're not towards Charlie."

"Yeah, well. Charlie's my friend. You're not my friend."

"But I want to be." Ryan stared at him sideways. He didn't get why Thomas was being so persistent. Wouldn't it be easier for him to just ignore Ryan? Why the fuck did he want to be friends?

"You what?"

"I want to be your friend."

"Why? I'm horrible."

"Yes. Sometimes. But I don't think you are really. I talk to Charlie quite a lot, you know. And she talks about you."

"Oh." That was certainly news to Ryan. What was there to talk about?

"She doesn't think you're horrible. She thinks you're pretty cool."

"Oh. Well."

"So you obviously can be friends with someone. Why not me?" Ryan was starting to feel overwhelmed. Thomas was being so incessant that Ryan was on the verge of letting slip everything. A dangerous position to be in, and he was trying desperately to swerve away from it but for once in his life he couldn't. And he couldn't work out why his lack of friendship was troubling Thomas so much. No one had ever wanted to be his friend. Why didn't he just do what everyone else did and walk away?

"You're not special! I don't have to be your friend if I don't want to, and for God's sake, what is this, primary school? Friend this and friend that. Get over it... you sound like a girl." He added for good measure. Thomas just looked wearily at him and sighed, pushing his fringe away from his eyes and leaving his hand pressed against his forehead.

"You don't get it..." he murmured, more to himself it seemed. But Ryan was properly annoyed now.

"What?! What don't I get? There are like fifteen hundred other kids at school, why the fuck are you so focused on me-?"

"Because I like you! Okay?"

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Kay so I was originally gonna make Ryan reveal that he liked Thomas but I was like 'eh, let's change things up.' And anyway, I just thought Ryan would, despite everything, still take great care in keeping his secret. But idk what do you think? I'm aware the relationship might be progressing faster than it should but a) their relationship isn't the whole focus of the fic and I want to start leading up to the other events I have planned (and I promise you, I have events); b) I'm running out of non-romantic interactions between the two anyway and c) it's my fic so... shut up...

And yes, let me also address the elephant in the room, I am well aware that it has been four months since I last updated (I was shocked when I checked) and I will be very surprised if you're all still reading this. You'd think after four months my writing would improve but lmao nope... basically it was a combination of too much studying and lack of motivation in general. I just felt this chapter was boring and i didn't want to publish it, but I also didn't know what else to write so, sorry if it's dull. Things will start to pick up, mainly after this chapter.

(Also, catch me trying to write about skateboarding tricks like I know a single thing about skateboarding.)

And now I shall reply to your lovely reviews, still my favourite blockbuster film.

Dark Heart 945- I'M SORRY FOR ALMOST PULLING A DAN HOWELL I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

Tbh same, although at the same time I found writing the flashbacks was very fun. And yeah, Ryan isn't a coward, it's a big decision for him to make and yeah lol, sorry Charlie but that's what you signed up for.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE REACTION. SORRY ABOUT THE CLIFFHANGER.

Justice237- I'm sorry about how long I took to update this time. I didn't want to leave it as long as the other but that didn't work out lol. Thank you for being understanding though, I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much for saying that! I was really worried about the flashbacks because I had never done that before so I was scared I'd mess it up and it wouldn't fit into the story, cos I understand what you mean about flashbacks that can seem forced or unnecessary. I'm glad I was able to write them in a way that seemed natural. Because I really enjoyed writing them.

Yes, I agree about how that episode didn't go for the cliché devil and angel side of a person, and I'm very glad they didn't, because that's not accurate to how a person actually argues with themselves. I can't say I got inspiration from that episode, because I actually watched it much later, but I'm happy it turned out in a similar way.

Yeah, the bullying was quite hard to write, because I knew a lot of it was true, and kids just naturally pick on other kids for being different, mainly because they don't understand why the kid is "different" from them. But it's upsetting that so many kids have to go through it, especially when there's something about you, like being gay, or being any part of the LGBT+ community that really makes you stand out. Hm, i havent really thought about what Elliott might be thinking now. I feel like he could be somewhat guilty over it, when I was writing the flashbacks, I made Elliott to be someone who simply didn't react in the right way or didn't know how to react or reacted how he thought he should. But now that he's older he's probably had time to realise that what he did was wrong.

I know, I hear about depression and suicide so much in the LGBT+ community, and I'm always mad when people think that the world has completely progressed, because it absolutely hasn't. And the suicide statistics of LGBT youth prove that. It was another thing I wanted to shed some light on in this fic. Hm, yeah I did look up when marriage was legalised in this country, and I think it was more the fact that Ryan didn't believe he could marry a man and lead a normal, peaceful life at the same time. But, since the legalisation was so close to the events in the flashback, it is likely he also wasn't aware.

Anyway, thank you so much for your review! And sorry again for keeping you waiting so long for an update.

CharlieSMarts12- Hello yes, an update! Finally! Yeah ugh, GCSEs are killing me, but obviously I have to put them as my top priority, so finding time to write is hard. Although I didn't intend for this chapter to take this long. Oops! And thank you for saying that, I was hoping that the chapter wasn't too boring since it was just about Ryan coming out, and nothing else, but that's why I added in the flashbacks so there was, technically a storyline at least. But I'm glad people liked the debate between coming out or not, and the reason for why Ryan was so scared to, because yes, as you said, there are still so many prejudices surrounding this topic. And ugh, yeah I accidently made myself hate the headmaster for asking if he'd tried hard enough, cos that is the worst reply to say to someone in that situation.

Haha, yes I love writing the interactions between Ryan and Charlie, and I so wish he'd had someone like that on the show. Ryan really just needed one person whom he was comfortable and happy around. Still mad that he never got that.

And thank you so much for reviewing! Always appreciate it!:)

Linneagb- same, homophobia is very difficult to understand. I regularly try and work out why people can have such problems with the LGBT community, and i still haven't come to any conclusions. But yeah, it is a little different with kids, because it's more the fact that they don't understand or they're not used to it that makes them bully people, rather than them actually being homophobic. Thank you, I really enjoyed writing this chapter, and don't worry, I don't think it's a spoiler to say, especially since you'll have already read the next chapter before reading this, but Charlie is definitely okay with it.


	8. In The Name Of Love

_"What?! What don't you get? There are like, 1500 other kids at school, why the fuck are you so focused on me?!"_

_"Because I like you! Okay?"_

* * *

The words hung in the air as the silence that followed crashed down around them. Ryan couldn't, didn't, believe what Thomas had just said. It was too far-fetched, too ridiculous, too...

Good.

Too good to be true.

And Ryan didn't know how to handle it. If anything, he wanted –needed– to put a stop to... whatever it was that was happening. Before it went too far. Before something went wrong.

He cleared his throat.

"You mean you... like me as a friend?" He knew that's not what Thomas had meant. Of course he knew. It had been too intense, too final, as if Thomas had tried so hard to keep himself from admitting it. Ryan understood perfectly, which is exactly why he didn't believe it. Because he was under the egoistic impression that no one could possibly be in the same situation as him. Or at least, no one in the same town and school who also happened to be his crush. Again it just seemed... too coincidental.

Thomas was staring at him as if he couldn't quite believe the lifeline that Ryan was willingly handing out. An escape route from this humiliating situation. Ryan knew he'd regret his decision. For weeks he'd been daydreaming about this, and now it was actually happening he was throwing it all away. But he also knew that he'd only get hurt in the long run. They both would. He was just protecting them, that's all.

"Uh... yeah," replied Thomas, still trying to figure out what was happening. "Yeah, just as a friend... I'm- I'm sorry for shouting. I was just... a bit wound up."

"Don't worry, I have that effect on people," Ryan joked feebly, prompting an equally feeble laugh.

"I should probably go," continued Thomas. "I'm supposed to meet Emma at the gates."

"Right." That was a thought. Time was getting on and Charlie could walk past at any moment, and what explanation could he give for why he and Thomas were standing in the middle of the pavement looking as if a crime had just been committed. Ryan tried not to smile. She'd probably carry on walking; gone were the days where she bothered to question the weird situations that Ryan seemed to attract. But even so, she might still interrogate him on what he'd been talking about with Thomas, convinced as she was that the two of them would be announcing their engagement any day soon. Thomas re-adjusted his school bag.

"I'll see you then," he said, turning away and walking back in the opposite direction, not waiting for any response.

"Bye," Ryan said quietly to himself. His mind was racing. He wished he'd had the courage to ask more questions. Did Thomas still like Emma? Did he ever like her? Was he gay? Was he bisexual? Ryan was surprised that Thomas being attracted to both girls and boys had never crossed his mind. But then again, why would it? Who assumes a person is bi when they ask out the opposite sex, when them being Just Straight seems a much more likely explanation? Nevertheless, this would certainly be something to tell Charlie... wait, no. He couldn't tell Charlie. He couldn't tell anyone. What kind of hypocrite would he be if he outed someone without their permission? That would be a line that not even Ryan would cross, no matter what. But he'd never been on the receiving end of a coming out before, although he was sure he wasn't the first person Thomas had told. Despite everything, Thomas still looked far more relaxed than Ryan had been with Charlie, and he hadn't been searching Ryan's face for a reaction about his sexuality, which was actually a bit of a disappointment. No matter how many times you've come out before, if the person you're coming out to holds any kind of importance to you then it'll always be as nerve-wracking as the first time. Meaning that Thomas clearly didn't care about Ryan's reaction. Meaning that Ryan simply wasn't important enough to him. Ryan was just a crush. Probably an accidental crush that Thomas had no explanation for and wanted to quickly move on from, hence why he'd ended up saying- or rather shouting it out loud. To get it all out in the open.

Unless...

Ryan suddenly had the awful idea that it was all a joke. A prank that the whole school was in on. Had they noticed? Did they know that he was...? Did they know about his crush on Thomas? And this whole thing had just been a ploy to get him to admit to it? He wouldn't put it past some of the bastards that went to his school, but surely... surely their plan had backfired. Ryan hadn't admitted to anything, he'd been careful. It was Thomas that had put himself in the firing line. But that didn't mean they didn't suspect. And supecting causes rumours. And when it came to school, rumours were as good as the truth. Once the rumours started, Ryan was screwed.

He obsessed over this idea all through Saturday, almost driving himself insane, and causing Charlie to pick up on his weird, quiet mood and point it out to him.

"How come you're so jumpy all of a sudden? You keep looking like you're waiting for something to happen." Ryan shrugged.

"Bad anxiety day," he said, which was somewhat true. His anxiety was bad, though for once there was actually a good reason for it. But really he was observing the others, seeing if their disposition around him had changed, from general annoyance to silently laughing at him. Seeing if they stopped talking when he entered a room. But they seemed the same, and they weren't exactly known for their acting skills, especially the younger ones. But perhaps they weren't in on it. He was sure Charlie wasn't in on it, because she'd definitely tell him. People at school must have known they were friends, maybe Thomas had told them, and they hadn't said anything to her in case she ruined it. Unless she had actually never been friends with him, and their whole relationship was a lie leading right up to this moment, and no one was laughing harder than she was...

When he had this thought, Ryan knew once and for all he was being ridiculous. As usual he had overthought the simplest of scenarios until he had turned himself into a shaking, paranoid wreck, and by Sunday he had calmed down considerably. He realised how irrational he was being. It was evident that no one knew because he hadn't yet received a single threat or message from anyone. Of course, it crossed his mind that they were all waiting for Monday to give him hell, but with 1500 kids (give or take a couple hundred), most of them with the same level of immaturity and patience as the year 7s, he knew that they couldn't possibly be coordinated enough to hold out for long. Someone would have broken ranks by now and sent him some immature shit via Facebook. So instead his thoughts settled to berating him about how self-centered he must have been to think that the entire school would go to all that trouble when they could have just beat him up. But more than that he now couldn't help but focus on the fact that _holy shit Thomas actually liked him back?!_ And for once in a very long time, Ryan actually felt... happy? A bit confused, but happy nonetheless. Until he remembered that he absolutely couldn't do anything about it, because unless he and Thomas became the first new couple ever to hardly talk to each other, let alone be intimate in any kind of way, people would find out within weeks.

But by Monday morning, Ryan had begun to feel restless. A boy he liked liked him back, and he couldn't just sit there and do nothing about it. Yes, he'd no doubt find himself hurt in the future. That was, in his mind, inevitable. But he was hurting right now, and if he could stop it for even a second then he should at least try.

By lunchtime a kind of quiet yet determined confidence had taken control of him, not unlike how he'd felt midway through coming out to Charlie. And it caused him to do something that he never thought he'd end up doing; something he hadn't even bothered to contemplate once he'd finally returned home after his and Thomas' conversation: he went looking for him, found him on the bench outside, reading, and wordlessly led him to a secluded part near the back of the school, where their only surroundings were a rusty fence, the school's brick wall and the distant woodland. Thomas looked bewildered.

"What the hell are you-"

"I like you too." Ryan heard the words leave his mouth and amazingly, he didn't want to immediately shove them back inside and emigrate to Europe. In fact, he wanted to keep going and he couldn't work out why (although it must be said that Thomas' attractiveness, now even more prominent up close, was not irrelevant in his decision).

"You... what?"

"I like you too. I have done for a while. That's why I was such a dick, I mean, more than usual, because I was trying to stop myself." Okay, now he was saying a bit too much. He told himself to reign it in a bit. Thomas had knitted his eyebrows together and was rubbing his hand across his forehead."

"Is this... some kind of joke? Are you making fun of me?" He accused, not realising that he was echoing Ryan's own thoughts.

"No! No I promise, this is real." But Thomas still looked like he didn't believe a word Ryan was saying.

"But I thought... I thought you were..."

"Straight? Yeah well, obviously I'm not. I just... wasn't quite ready to say so."

"But you're ready now?"

"Looks like it." Thomas shook his head. He seemed angry.

"I don't believe you," he said, taking Ryan by surprise.

"You what?"

"I don't. Believe you."

"Why would I be lying about this?"

"This isn't the first time you've said something that turned out to be deliberately untrue." Ryan was beginning the slow descent into panic. Even he couldn't have imagined how terribly this was going to go. He opened his mouth to respond but realised he didn't know what to say. And anyway, at that moment Thomas' phone started ringing, and Thomas certainly didn't hesitate to answer it.

"Hey," he said. "Oh shit yeah, sorry. Yeah I'm on my way. I'll be like two minutes. Love you too." He looked towards Ryan when he said that, nearly causing Ryan to stop breathing. Obviously it was just an indication of who was on the phone ("Emma." Thomas clarified), or perhaps some kind of act of defiance, making it clear to Ryan that Thomas had already moved on, but Ryan still couldn't help but imagine those words being directed at him. It made his heart jump slightly. Thomas turned to leave but Ryan wasn't finished yet.

"You don't even like her," he said.

"I can still hang out with her." Thomas replied defensively. Ryan noted with interest that Thomas hadn't actually denied Ryan's previous statement.

"But it's a bit mean, isn't it? Telling her you love her when you don't."

"You're talking to me about morality? You?"

"Shows you how bad it is." Thomas breathed in deeply and put his hands on his hips, head down.

"I do like her. Or at least I did until... well anyway, I do like her. She's my girlfriend." Ryan was dying to enquire about what the 'until' meant, but he decided it wasn't worth it. He wouldn't get a proper answer.

"But I like you. And you like me! Doesn't that mean anything?"

"I said I liked you as a friend."

"I said that! But we both know that's not what you meant." Ryan searched the boy's face for any sign of relention, but there didn't seem to be any, although Thomas didn't look angry anymore. Just sad.

"How can I prove that I'm not lying to you?" Asked Ryan, now on the verge of desperation. He'd revealed so much, even more that he'd planned to. But nothing was working, and now he felt scared and vulnerable. Thomas shrugged.

"I don't know. I guess that's up to you to decide... my girlfriend's waiting. I have to go." And with that, he walked away, back to the front of the school. And Ryan didn't try to stop him. He just stood there, dejectedly, waiting for the bell to ring.

* * *

"Hypothetically. Only hypothetically. How would you show someone you liked them?" Asked Ryan. It had been a day since his disastrous attempt at telling Thomas how he felt, and despite trying to convince himself that it was now time to drop it permanently and move on ("You took it as far as it could go. It's over, alright?") he couldn't quite take his mind off it, so much so that he had started to reveal his musings out loud to Charlie, who of course had no idea about the events of yesterday, but was still willing to provide some kind of input. They were sitting on her bed when he asked, and at first she looked suspicious; when one says hypothetically before asking a question, more often than not they're absolutely asking for themselves... unless perhaps they were a Greek philosopher. Which Ryan was not.

"That depends," answered Charlie. "Who are we talking about?"

"No one in particular," affirmed Ryan, not falling into her trap.

"So not a... _new _crush?" She put emphasis on the "new", clearly trying to prompt some sort of a comment on Thomas. Ryan stared at her.

"No," he confirmed. She gave up.

"Alright fine uh... I would... I dunno, show them how well I know them by taking them somewhere I know they'd like."

"How does that show you like them?"

"Well duh, cos it shows you've listened to what they talk about. And no one listens to people they don't like, or aren't bothered with."

"So where would you take me?"

"Dunno, I don't listen to you." Ryan threw a pillow at her but already he was considering Charlie's advice, and a vague idea was formulating in his mind. But what did Thomas like? Except torturing Ryan's emotions on a daily basis. They hadn't had many conversations that had involved opening up about their personal interests. Thomas knew that Ryan liked skateboarding, but what did Ryan know about Thomas? Nothing really. He wanted to know. He wanted to know everything. He thought back to the time he, Charlie and Thomas had walked home together, and Charlie had asked all those questions. Ryan surprised himself by realising that he remembered all of Thomas's answers. And what were the majority of those answers? Ryan smiled. Books. Thomas liked books.

* * *

Ryan made a point not to make a big deal out of this. He wasn't going to whisk Thomas off on a romantic weekend to Rome and declare his love while reading old Latin scriptures. For starters, Mike wouldn't let him. And secondly, that wasn't Ryan's style. In fact he was surprised that he was making any effort at all. Usually he just said fuck it, gave up and moved on. But since he had found that moving on from Thomas was simply not an option, he decided he needed to do more than shout an obscenity and walk away. So on Saturday he made the short trip down to the local library and spent the afternoon finding the books he knew Thomas liked. There were about five of them, mainly found in the YA section, but there was a Nick Hornby book in the adult section which Ryan took as a sign of his and Thomas' compatibility, since he was familiar with Hornby's writing.

He put all the books in his school bag and walked back home, ready for Monday and hoping that this time would be a success, because the alternative would probably screw up his and Thomas' relationship (if he could even call it that anymore) so badly as to render it it permanently destroyed, which Ryan thought was only a slight exaggeration. Needless to say, if this attempt did fail, he certainly wouldn't be trying again.

But at the same time, what if it did succeed? Ryan was sure he hadn't thought this through properly, because if Thomas believed him and the two accepted their mutual feelings towards one another, was that it? Were they dating now? Were they boyfriends? Even though Ryan had sworn not to obtain a relationship until at least university? Dating rumours spread like wildfire around Secondary school. Thomas and Ryan would be outed in days. By doing this he was putting them both in danger.

But Thomas had done it first, he had admitted it first, which wasn't something Ryan could just ignore. Something that he didn't want to ignore. And besides, who said they needed to be boyfriends? Who said they even needed to date? If anything they could simply be... friends with benefits! Although that phrase was never met with great connotations, and he was sure Charlie wouldn't approve. And come to think of it, he didn't think Thomas would either.

He thought about it all Sunday night, and concluded that he was doing this to prove that he wasn't lying and to hopefully be on speaking terms with Thomas again (ever since the events of the previous Monday, both boys had done everything in their power to avoid each other, but on the rare moments they did come face to face, Thomas had made a point not to give Ryan the time of day). So really, they didn't even have to act upon these feelings. Once it was all out in the open, they could just decide to remain friends. Ryan would of course be disappointed but... you do what you have to do to survive.

It took nearly all of lunchtime for Ryan to find him. Thomas wasn't outside, or in the classroom, or in the music room like last time. In fact, he was in the library, a fitting setting, and also very obvious. Ryan was surprised it had taken him so long to find, but in his defence, there were two libraries: the main communal one filled with fiction and non-Fiction alike, and the quiet, secluded one for the GCSE students to study quietly. The books here were thick, old and in Ryan's opinion, boring. It was the exact place Thomas would be hiding out in.

Ryan peeked round behind one of the shelves, building up the courage to go over to where Thomas was sitting. He opened up his school bag but didn't take the books out yet. He tried to see what Thomas was reading, merely out of interest, but also to delay their meeting a little further (perhaps not a good idea when under a time limit, but better than going over there and not being able to speak a word). Ryan took a deep breath, collected his thoughts, and walked towards the desk.

"This seat taken?" Was his opening line. Thomas looked up, lowered his eyebrows and nearly stood up- "No, wait. Please," said Ryan. He couldn't let Thomas leave. Thomas sighed and settled himself back into his seat. He didn't say anything. Just stared until Ryan explained himself. Which Ryan attempted to do by lifting the pile of books out of his rucksack and placing them on the table.

"What's this?" Asked Thomas, examining the books.

"It's a gesture," replied Ryan. And then when Thomas didn't respond: "It's all your favourite books. The ones you mentioned that first day." Thomas ran his finger over the spines, checking each title. His expression softened ever so slightly as he went down the small pile, but he mainly looked confused.

"So... what are you trying to say?" He questioned.

"I'm trying to say that... well, I listened. To what you were saying. You know how, if you... _like_... someone, you listen to what they say, because- because you think they're interesting... I mean, well... it was Charlie's idea. Not the books, though! The books were my idea and- and Charlie doesn't know either. I promise I didn't tell. I haven't told anyone. Just..." he trailed off. He thought it best to stop before he ceased making any sense at all. He hoped that Thomas had grasped the general point he was trying to make. The boy in question was still studying the books, and he didn't say anything for a full eight seconds (Ryan counted). He had stopped looking confused, though his expression was now unreadable. Ryan was sure Thomas would get up and walk away at any moment. But instead, Thomas cleared his throat, and finally made eye contact.

"You really went to a lot of trouble, huh?" He observed. He sounded okay, not angry like last time. Like he was finally starting to realise that what Ryan was saying was actually legit. But Ryan didn't want to get his hopes up yet.

"I know it's kinda pretentious," he said. "Something that's more suited to a film, maybe. But I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want you to think I'd screw you around like that. I mean, everyone thinks I'm probably capable of it but... I wouldn't go that far. And I'm sorry for giving you the wrong directions on your first day. And for telling you that Charlie had a boyfriend. I don't think I've apologised for them yet." His voice was quiet, shy. Again, very unlike him. And here was another first. He couldn't remember the last time he'd apologised to someone, except maybe if he got unnecessarily snappy with Charlie. But certainly not to someone he barely knew. What was it about this guy that made him act like this? Thomas was smiling, though only a little. So for all Ryan knew it could have been a smile of pity.

"I guess you're forgiven," Thomas said, much to Ryan's relief. That was one of the reasons he didn't like apologising. Because if he wasn't forgiven by the person that he'd hurt, then he'd have to face up to the fact that he'd really messed up, and that would raise some unsavoury questions about his character.

"And," continued Thomas, "I guess I believe you." Ryan sat straight up in his seat.

"Really?" He questioned. Thomas nodded.

"Yeah sure. Seems a bit pointless not to. And, the book thing was nice. I liked it."

"Well, thank you." The atmosphere was lighter now, and their conversation seemed to be swerving back to how it was in the skatepark (before Ryan accused Thomas of being some kind of player). But Ryan knew he needed to get serious now. This was all well and good, but he needed to make something clear about where they stood.

"So, listen," he began, a little awkwardly with his hand on the back of his neck. "I only proved to you that I wasn't lying so that we'd be on speaking terms again. I mean, I do like you still of course, " he quickly clarified, "but I think we can only be friends."

"Why?"

"Because... well, because..." wasn't it obvious? Did Ryan really have to spell it out? "Because were both guys. We can't be together, we'd get beat up."

"Yeah I know. I'm not stupid. We don't have to be together in school, but outside of school-"

"No, people would still find out. They always do. Besides, I'm not even fully out yet. Charlie's the only one who knows. Not even my sister knows. It just wouldn't work. Not at the moment anyway."

"So when?" Ryan was getting slightly fed up at Thomas' apparent naivety

"What do you mean when? Probably in about four years when school's over. And even then, I just... I don't know." The atmosphere had dropped immediately and as usual it was Ryan's fault. He felt a little bad about it, but he knew he was justified this time. Thomas leaned back in his seat.

"Fine," he said eventually. "I understand. I can't force you or anything, it wouldn't be fair." Ryan was hating every second of this. He would have liked nothing more than to slam his fist on the table and shout 'fuck it, I'll go out with you! Who cares?!" But he had to stay strong. Repress any of the emotions he was experiencing and lock them away. He was good at that. He did it all the time. And at least he and Thomas were friends now. That was enough, for the time being.

"I'm really sorry," repeated Ryan (he was getting good at this apologising business). "But, hey. I'd make a pretty shitty boyfriend anyway. Believe me, I'm way too much trouble." He didn't know the half of it, Ryan thought darkly. "And at least you don't have to break up with Emma." Thomas looked distracted, but he agreed anyway, even if his affirmation was a little vague.

"So uh..." Ryan didn't really know what else to say. "I might read some of these books. See what they're about. I already know that one." He pointed at the Nick Hornby book. Thomas laughed softly.

"Yeah, it suits you," he said.

"I'll take that as a compliment." Ryan picked up the books, put them back into his rucksack, zipped up the bag and stood up.

"I'll see you around then. We could still hang out sometime. Maybe down at the skatepark. I could teach you some more moves." He grinned, but it was kind of empty. He shouldn't have been saying this. The less time spent with Thomas the easier it would be to move on. Thomas was alright, he was already in a relationship. Ryan didn't have that option. But he didn't really want to give up hanging out with Thomas. It would have made this whole conversation pointless.

"Yeah... I'd like that." The bell rung. They both jumped.

"You'd better go," advised Thomas. "I'll catch up, I just gotta check this book out."

"Sure." Ryan was relieved that they wouldn't be walking back to class together, which would have been nothing but awkward. He picked his bag up and slung it round his shoulders.

"Bye then."

* * *

**AN:**

Aight so before you attack me, they're gonna get together soon. Maybe next chapter maybe chapter after, haven't decided yet (I think we've all worked out by now that my writing is chaotic af and even I have no idea where it's going). Also, yeah it's kind of a random chapter. The book thing wasn't planned, in fact the chapter was originally gonna be much shorter. But then I was kinda just like "hey... what if Ryan did a low-key sweet thing... woah plot twist..." so anyway, yeah. Hope it's not shitty. Also Nick Hornby, call me up. I'll sponsor your books for you, matey.

Also, Sorry if Ryan's a little out of character in this chapter (DarkHeart pointed it out to me). I tried to keep him in character as much as possible, but it was really hard in this one. However, he's gonna be back to normal in the next chapters. Sorry this one is so different, and hopefully it won't affect you're opinion of the fic.

Okay, time for replying to the comments (not gonna make a spoof this time, can't be bothered).

**Justice237**\- ayy don't worry about taking so long to reply I mean, come on I take like three years to publish, so I'm the one who has to apologise.

Thank you for saying that about the coming out scene, so far I've had positive reactions to it, which I'm very glad about. Not exactly used to real comings out (I came out to my mum but it was pretty unconventional cos she didn't believe me so long story short I've come out to her about five times now... I think she's finally getting the message. And all my friends (all two of them) just kinda knew. Anyway, again very glad I executed it well, and Charlie's reactions were so fun to write. I've literally managed to make myself fall in love with a character that wasn't even my favourite character in the first place. I have power.

Lmao yeah, Ryan is the type of person to try so hard not to think about something (or someone) and obviously just fail miserably cos he never learns that trying not to think about them MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT THEM.

Yeah, it's quite hard to write his personality like that. Before this I wrote Scorbus fanfiction so I'm much more used to writing very affectionate characters, so it's hard sometimes not to just write "and then Ryan hugged him and said he loved him" cos obviously Ryan would never do something like that (not for a while anyway) cos it takes him so long to build up any kind of trust that makes him able to be affectionate or intimate with anyone. But I loved writing that little scene in the skatepark.

Yeah, I wanted it to be Thomas who admits his feelings first because I don't think wild horses would have been able to make Ryan admit it first, no matter how close he came to it. Again, another one of his traits. Even at the last minute he'd manage to just suppress his feelings and say nothing, so it had to be Thomas, otherwise their relationship would never move forward. And after the whole flashback chapter it would seem too out of place if he just went and admitted his feelings so willingly.

Don't worry, I didn't want Ryan to lash out anymore, not only was it starting to become old news but it was also getting too hard to write because there's only so much Ryan can say while freaking out. Hopefully in this chapter I didn't disappoint?

Loved the review, thank you so much! As usual, your support means everything, especially in such a small fandom like this :)

**CharlieSMarts12**\- yes, call the police I actually updated. I'm just as surprised as you (jk, I'm gonna try my best not to let this become discontinued. However if I die suddenly then we may have a problem. One of you will have to continue it).

Yes I loved the coming out scene myself, mainly because it was refreshing to write a character that was accepting of Ryan and it made me happy imagining Charlie's reaction (it's weird I know). I just wish Ryan had had an ally like that on the show, not just with the sexuality thing (which obviously wasn't mentioned) but just with everything. The others really gave him so much shit. Bloody hypocrites. They pretend they're all forgiving and stuff but NOT WHEN IT COMES TO RYAN. They're holding grudges for things he did years ago. And Mike is no damn better...

I'm going of on a rant, I'm very sorry.

Yesss, im glad you liked the skatepark scene. And yeah I had to add in hints that Thomas wasn't straight otherwise the ending wouldn't have landed as well. I'm glad you picked up on them.

It was a sigh of relief for me too, honestly I was getting sick of them not telling each other how they feel. Sorry about the ending of this chapter but I promise they're gonna get together soon!

Thank you so much for the review, as usual, always appreciate it!

**DarkHeart945**\- Thank you! Yeah it made sense that Thomas would say it rather than Ryan. Not really Ryan's style to admit something like that first. And don't worry imma try and add in some Ryan angst when I get a chance. He's becoming too soft, I need to bring him back a little. Next chapter maybe, cos it's going to talk a little more about his depression and stuff


	9. Casual Affair

"What if you dated someone else?"

"What?"

"Someone else. To stop thinking about him."

"About who?" Charlie tore her eyes away from the TV screen and looked at him. They were sitting in the living room watching some made-for-TV murder mystery, which was pretty shit, but also relatively investing so they'd kept it on. They even had popcorn (Charlie's idea). It was a nice day so a lot of the others were playing outside, or they milled about the house, occasionally running in and out of the living room. Charlie therefore kept her voice low and made sure no one was listening when she started talking about Ryan's dating life. Ryan stared back at her. He knew exactly who she was talking about, and she was right. As usual. Of course he was still thinking about Thomas. He'd come so close to... well, he didn't exactly know what, but he assumed some kind of relationship.

"Why the hell would I date someone else when the whole problem in the first place is not being able to date?"

"I mean like in a... an unconventional way. And not someone from school."

"Gross."

"There must be someone else you're interested in."

Ryan unwillingly thought about it. There was one person. He wouldn't describe it as a crush as such, it wasn't that significant, but it was certainly an idea. Charlie would probably exaggerate it though, so he didn't bother telling her. He felt a little guilty since he had been keeping a lot from her lately. Naturally he hadn't mentioned his conversation with Thomas in the library, because then he'd have to talk about all the other conversations they had had, and then he'd have to tell Charlie that Thomas was bi, which wasn't his place to tell, so he'd kept his mouth shut and acted like nothing had happened. He was good as that, so it wasn't too much effort.

He decided to spend the afternoon at the skatepark. The days were getting longer and hotter, and even _he _was starting to feel a Iittle cooped up in his bedroom. He was still keen to be left alone though, so the skatepark was his best option. All of the Ashdene Ridge residents used the park, but none of them could skate like he could so they didn't stay long, and it wasn't often that he bumped into them. And even if he did, he just found somewhere else to go and waited until they left.

As he walked, he thought about what Charlie had said and surprisingly didn't outright reject the idea of hooking up with another guy. Someone easier, someone he knew wouldn't reject him, or at least he hoped he wouldn't get rejected. He'd had too much of that lately and he certainly wasn't keen for more.

The guy he was thinking about was called Lucas. Ryan had first met Lucas two years ago when he was out one day with Carmen. His relationship with Carmen was rather confusing as he could never really work out whether he had a friendship with her or not, especially since her best friend was his worst enemy. And they were by no means close, in fact Ryan hadn't contacted her since she left, but they seemed to get on okay. She was certainly never mean to him, and in return he tried not to be mean to her, and it was a pretty good arrangement. Two years ago he was on bad terms with basically everyone in Ashdene Ridge, except Harry, and Charlie hadn't arrived yet, and wouldn't arrive for at least another year, so he made an effort to stay in Carmen's good books. Besides, he liked how much it annoyed Tee whenever Carmen told her to lay off him a bit.

The point was though, he and Carmen had ended up at the skatepark and she'd jokingly said that she came here sometimes to check out the hot skater guys, and then told him he should look for some cute girls ("Where there are hot guys, there are girls," she said), before pointing out one or two. Ryan had played along, but made sure he sounded unenthusiastic enough to get her to stop. She eventually did, and went back to her own search. It wasn't long before she found a guy who caught her interest. She even went so far as to go over and talk to him, and the two started chatting away, much to Ryan's annoyance. He stayed behind, seated on a bench, bored and wanting to go home. A few minutes later and he was about to get up and interrupt their conversation, but he suddenly spotted someone near to them and paused mid-decision. The boy was around his age, maybe a year older, nice brown hair and very good at skating. Ryan stared as the boy expertly grinded along one of the rails.

He was still staring when Carmen returned and of course she noticed.

"Found someone you like?" Immediately knowing she'd follow his gaze, Ryan switched it to the first girl he saw. A blonde teenager, much too old for him. Carmen laughed when she saw. "Good luck with that," she said, and indicated that they should leave, (not before showing the phone number that had been written on her hand). Ryan looked back at the boy one last time, and then tried to forget about him.

And for a while he thought he had, but then he realised that he was frequenting the skatepark much more than usual, and when he was practicing he was slightly distracted: he kept scanning the area and "casually" observing the people.

After a few weeks of this and still not coming across the boy again, he gave up, and went back to normal. Until that was, one weekend when he finally saw him again:

The boy was there when Ryan arrived at the park, this time on the ramps, and Ryan allowed himself to watch for a bit; if anyone saw, they would assume he was simply impressed with the boy's skills, which he was, but that wasn't the reason he was staring. He then told himself to stop and started practicing on the ramps himself. He had no intention of introducing himself, but he did glance over whenever he performed a trick, as if looking to see if the boy had noticed him and was watching, (and then hoping he wasn't whenever Ryan made a mistake and tripped over his own board). But Ryan must have been doing better than he'd thought because apparently the boy had been watching, and to Ryan's embarrassment, he came over.

"Hi," he greeted, his board under his arm. Ryan nodded in acknowledgment, not sure what to say since he'd temporarily been taken by surprise. "You're pretty good," the boy continued. "Do you skate often?"

"Yeah." Ryan finally found his voice, though for now it seemed restrained to only one word replies.

"I haven't seen you around here."

"Likewise." The boy smiled at him.

"I'm Lucas," he said, placing his skateboard down and putting his foot on top to keep it steady. He stared expectantly at Ryan.

"I'm- I'm Ryan." Lucas was very good looking and so it made it hard to concentrate. His eyes were a shade of blue that Ryan wanted so desperately to stare at, but he was bad at eye contact at the best of times; now his only option was to look at the floor,

Lucas asked whether Ryan wanted to practice with him, and despite Ryan's intitial nervousness, it didn't take much persuading, and the two skated together for the next hour or so before one of them had to go home. Ryan also learnt a lot about Lucas. They went to different schools for starters, which was certainly a bonus, and made Ryan resume toying with the idea that maybe he and Lucas could one day be... more than friends. The school Lucas went to was on the other side of town, and he had to get the bus every morning, meaning that he didn't know any of Ryan's classmates, and Lucas's classmates didn't know them either. If anything happened between the two of them, it probably wouldn't get back to Ryan's school, which was of course his main fear.

However, Ryan never attempted to catalyse their relationship further than skateboarding companions, even when he started to gain the impression that Lucas may have also been slightly interested in him. It was only a feeling, and Ryan refused to believe it was true, but he had noticed Lucas staring at him the way Ryan sometimes did, before quickly looking away when he realised Ryan had seen. He too never made a move though, so their friendship more or less stayed the same for the next two years.

Now, however, Ryan was once again entertaining the idea of furthering their relationship, and he felt that after his relatively disastrous interactions with Thomas, asking out Lucas, or at least asking him out for a coffee or something, would be easy. And, yes perhaps it was a little hypocritical on Ryan's part considering the only apparent reason he and Thomas weren't going out already was because he didn't want a relationship while still in school. But, he thought to himself, this was different. And it wasn't just because Lucas went to a different school than him, it was also because he wasn't actually looking for Lucas to be his boyfriend, he just wanted a guy who could relieve some of the romantic frustration that Ryan was starting to feel. He was even close to resuming meeting up with guys he met online, and he sometimes regretted not going further with a few of them. Of course, boning away with a stranger in a skatepark still didn't appeal to him very much, but he needed _something._ And he hoped that Lucas may be able to provide that.

He already knew Lucas was gay. He wouldn't even be bothering if he didn't know. He found out about six months ago when Lucas declared he had a boyfriend, some guy who worked part time in a café, or a bookshop or... somewhere that Ryan forgot. The relationship was only brief, they barely made it two months. According to Lucas, the guy was too much of a hipster, liked soya and aromatherapy and things that most people didn't care about. And the guy was too much of a snob about them. So Lucas got bored and broke it off. But the point was, Ryan was in with a chance.

He wasn't going to make an effort this time. It wasn't worth it. Just a text would do, and if Lucas didn't agree they'd just go back to normal. Or maybe they wouldn't. Ryan didn't really care. He liked Lucas but if their friendship ended it wouldn't be much of a loss. Not to him anyway. He was so used to losing people that he was pretty much immune to the grief by now. Even if Thomas moved away and never came back it would've only taken Ryan a week or two to move on. Maybe deep down he'd be sad, but Ryan had locked that part of his emotions away long ago. His motto was that if you didn't think about it, you wouldn't feel it. And if you didn't feel it, you'd be fine. A therapist would disagree completely but... Ryan didn't care about them either. The only people in the world that he did care about was Charlie and his sister, although when it came to his sister, he wasn't very good at showing it. But if something happened to her he'd definitely be upset, he knew that. He was the first time round, especially after his mum blamed him. In fact it was probably around that time that he stopped caring. He couldn't be sure though.

Ryan clicked on his contacts and texted Lucas:

**Hey you wanna meet up?**

**again? we already did**

**Not at the skatepark. You wanna get a coffee or something?**

**?**

**I'm asking you on a date.**

**Oh.**

He didn't reply for another few seconds, and even though Ryan wasn't too worried about it, there was still that slight apprehension after asking someone out and waiting for their response. His phone chimed.

**Sure okay. I'd like that.**

Ryan smiled. He was quite surprised at himself for going through with it, but he was glad he did. For starters, he finally got to go on a date with a guy. So far he'd only been on dates with girls and they had been awkward as hell. His phone chimed again.

**Where do u wanna meet?**

Ryan thought about it. He knew it had to be a place where there was no risk that anyone he knew would see him. He thought about all the coffee shops in town.

**How about Blakes? It's on Grey street, next to the bookshop.**

Blake's was in a place that Ryan was fairly certain no one at Ashdene Ridge would go to because it was pretty boring. At least for them. There was a bookshop, a travel's agent and a library that frowned upon kids entering due to all the old and studious type books in it. The coffee shop was alright though, so he didn't think Lucas would care about the location.

**Sounds good. Saturday alright?**

**Perfect. I'll meet you there at... 3?**

Lucas' reply was a thumbs up emoji.

* * *

Ryan decided to tell Charlie about the date. There was no point in not and she'd be very disappointed if she found out he'd kept it a secret from her, especially after everything else he'd been hiding about him and Thomas. He told her pretty soon after Lucas' last text and she was ecstatic, as well as having about a million questions. She was surprised to find out he'd already known Lucas for two years.

"You've never mentioned him before," she said.

"He's just a guy I skate with."

"Who you've also apparently been in love with this entire time."

"I'm not in love with him. He's just a guy I wouldn't mind dating, that's all."

"Sure you say that now, but what if it becomes serious?"

"It won't." And Ryan was certain it wouldn't, but it had been playing on his mind a little. He decided his best option was just to see how it went, and he wouldn't act until it seemed like they actually were becoming serious. Which probably wouldn't even happen. Their first date could go disasterously wrong and Lucas would never want to see him again.

* * *

On Saturday, Ryan stood in his bedroom and tried to work out what to wear. Charlie was hovering behind him for "moral support" as she put it, but was more of a hindrance than a help.

"Wear nothing, he'd prefer that," she joked. Ryan completely ignored her and took out a pair of jeans, identical to the pair he already had on.

"These'll do," he said. Charlie was mortally offended.

"You can't wear jeans on a date," she proclaimed.

"I'm not taking him to the bloody opera." Ryan did try to find a smart enough shirt, and he dug out a black button-up t-shirt with a collar on it. Charlie seemed to approve.

"It's nice," she said, nodding at the shirt. "You should wear it more often."

"I literally only go to like three places, and one of them is my room. I have no use for nice shirts."

"Well, they suit you." Ryan rounded off the outfit with the smartest shoes he could find, which were basically still trainers, but overall he looked alright. Even he could admit that. Ryan looked at his watch. It was getting on around two and he thought he'd better leave now if he wanted to get there at a good time. Charlie wished him good luck and ordered that he tell her everything when he got back. Ryan reluctantly agreed.

Downstairs he was interrupted by Mike before he could even make it out the front door. Mike looked at him curiously up and down.

"Where are you going?" He questioned. Ryan tried to be vague, but not too vague so that Mike would interrogate him further.

"Just into town. I'll be back in a few hours."

"You're looking kind of dressed up. Not going on a date are you?" Mike raised his eyebrows and smirked. Ryan sighed at him.

"It's just an old shirt." Mike put his hands up in mock defence, an action that always infuriated Ryan.

"Alright, alright. Just make sure you're back by dinner and... don't do anything stupid." He walked back into the office and Ryan left the house feeling it an achievement that he'd escaped without Mike questioning him too much. Perhaps the man was starting to take it easy on him a little. It had been a while since Ryan had acted up and "schemed" against the other residents, as they liked to put it. He still didn't participate much, nor was he particularly friendly to anyone, but there had been a slight shift in hostility towards him. He was tolerated more. He assumed it was because of his relationship with Charlie, who was considered to be one of the nicest residents in Ashdene Ridge, friends with everyone etc. etc. The others must have thought that if Charlie had put up with him all this time, he couldn't have been terrible. However, they hadn't truly forgiven him for all the shit he'd pulled in the past, and he didn't blame them. Nor did he particularly care. He wasn't looking to make any more friends so it wouldn't have even made much of a difference if they wanted him dead or something. Their lives barely infiltrated his. They didn't realise how little they interested him, so he found it laughable whenever they tried to rally against him or threaten him or stand up to him. They thought they were so important, but they weren't. That being said, it did make his life easier if they didn't hate him, because then he didn't have to deal with their petty bullshit.

The cafe was pretty far into town so Ryan had to walk for about half an hour. He had his music with him and it was a nice day anyway so he wasn't complaining, though his mind was a little preoccupied on the coming events. He hoped Lucas wouldn't be late. He hated lateness but only because he always felt awkward standing around on his own; he was usually late himself most of the time, but then, that was understandable since it took him ages just to motivate himself to move anywhere. He also hoped they'd have something to talk about, because the only thing worse than awkward silences with yourself was awkward silences with someone else. In fact, he really wasn't keen on this whole dating business anyway. If it was up to him he'd just text any prospective love interest for as long as it took for the two of them to spark up enough romantic interest so they could eventually meet up and get straight to the kissing. Or more. Dates just caused room for embarrassment and Ryan did not have time for that.

He reached the cafe at about ten to three and quickly ordered a coffee so he could sit down. He wanted to sit in the furthest corner possible, but then he worried that Lucas wouldn't be able to find him so he compromised and went for a seat near the back wall but still in full view of the door on the opposite side. Ryan sat there sipping his drink and staring at his phone, looking up at the door every time it opened.

At five minutes past, when Ryan had already started to assume the worst and was all ready to leave before it became obvious he'd been stood up (a great fear of his), the door opened again and in walked Lucas. Ryan breathed a small sigh of relief and tried to catch Lucas' eye. The boy saw him, smiled and wandered over.

"Hey," greeted Lucas, sitting down opposite. "Sorry I'm late."

"Only by five minutes, you're good."

* * *

As far as dates go (not that Ryan could really compare), this one had gone quite well. They had plenty to talk about; Lucas had a bunch of questions since he was still surprised at finding out that Ryan liked him. He wanted to know how long for. Ryan lied and said a few months, thinking that the true answer of "since we met two years ago" was a little intimidating. Besides, it wasn't a full lie: he had been attracted to Lucas since the first day, but it didn't develop into an actual crush until later. Not like with Thomas...

He'd thought about Thomas more times than he wanted to admit throughout the date, probably because it was Thomas with whom he really wanted to be sitting across from, sharing a coffee. But at the same time he genuinely did like Lucas as well, so really he spent the next two or so hours confused as hell.

When the date ended, the two departed separately but pleasantly, and they even arranged to get together again sometime. To Ryan, this sounded like a lie; something you say just to be polite, so he assumed that despite the relative success of the date, there wasn't enough spark between them to further things, and their relationship would probably go back to more or less how it was.

So it was rather unexpected when they found themselves texting each other a lot more than normal.

Over the next few weeks they grew somewhat closer, despite not actually having met up again, but Ryan felt like perhaps there wasn't much romantic attraction here, and instead it was more... _physical._.. which Ryan was perfectly okay with, because it was what he had originally wanted anyway. He supposed it could be referred to as a rebound, but was it a rebound if you never actually dated the guy you were rebounding from, and therefore have technically never broken up with? He didn't know. But the term still fitted the situation so he stuck with it.

The next time Ryan and Lucas met up it was at Lucas' house. It was empty of course, Ryan made sure of that. He had no interest in meeting anyone's parents right now. That would be way too serious, and too much effort. Ryan only agreed because an empty house, with a sofa, or a bed, would almost certainly lead to something. Besides, Lucas had a good TV, so whatever happened, at least they could watch something good together.

For some reason, Ryan found himself dressing pretty smart again, which he would later regret, but for now he was satisfied with how he looked, and he asked Charlie to cover for him, and then walked the ten minute journey to Lucas' house.

It was a nice house, fairly rich looking. It was only a little bit smaller than Ashdene Ridge, which was still impressive since Ashdene Ridge had to house a bunch of kids, whereas this house was only for one family. It was also very neat inside, which made Ryan feel slightly uneasy, simply because he'd never lived in a neat house in his life, so he wasn't used to all the order and spotlessness. But Lucas soon led him to his room, which was much more chaotic, and Ryan liked it. He'd only been here once before, just over a year ago. He didn't really know why Lucas had asked him over but they'd had an alright time anyway, mainly playing video games and watching YouTube. And as far as Ryan could see, Lucas' room had more or less stayed the same, save for a few new posters.

"Sorry it's such a mess," said Lucas, sheepishly pulling at his bedsheets to make them tidier.

"It's alright." Ryan wasn't particularly focused on the state of the bedroom. Lucas picked up a remote control from on top of his dresser.

"You wanna watch something?" He asked, indicating at the small, but still relatively fancy TV that was also balanced on top of the dresser.

"Sure." The only place to sit was the bed, except for the awkward-looking desk chair which neither of them wanted to sit on, so they settled themselves down against the wooden headboard while Lucas flicked through the channels.

They eventually found an episode of an old 90s sitcom which they found decent enough to watch. They sat quietly for about ten minutes, genuinely invested in the TV show. Soon however, their focus moved onto other things; they sat a little bit closer to each other. Ryan was slightly more impatient, but he didnt push anything. He certainly wasn't going to say anything, or make the first move. But he didn't have to, because Lucas seemed to know what he was doing. Ryan guessed that since Lucas had already had a boyfriend, he was more experienced in this area. He didn't do the cliched yawn-to-put-your-arm-around-someone's-shoulder thing, he was more subtle than that. His hand touched Ryan's, then it went to Ryan's knee and then before Ryan knew what was happening, the two were kissing each other.

Kissing Lucas was much better than kissing the guys at the skatepark. It was less messy and rushed, not to mention the general genuine attraction between the two of them. After a minute or two, the kissing predictably moved further and Lucas' hand was starting to slide underneath Ryan's shirt. Ryan didn't protest this time, and if anything he actually encouraged it. To his relief he really wanted Lucas to continue, and not just because he was desperately trying to forget Thomas. Ryan had his hand placed on Lucas' back and it was slowly sliding down to where it could get under Lucas' shirt; Ryan's own shirt had already been unbuttoned. His hand found contact with Lucas' skin and he moved it round from Lucas' back to his front. They were still kissing all the while and Ryan was very much into it. He didn't want to force anything but he was subtly encouraging Lucas to pull his shirt off, which Lucas eventually did, and soon their kissing strayed away from the lips and migrated to other areas: cheek, chin, neck. But just as they were getting into the swing of things, Lucas abruptly stopped, and pulled away wide-eyed. Ryan assumed he'd gone too far but he wasn't sure how. He wasn't doing anything that Lucas hadn't already done.

"What's wrong-"

"Shh!" Ryan looked at the boy silently but bewildered. Lucas stood up and went over to the window.

"Shit," he breathed. He turned back to Ryan. "My parents are home." Ryan groaned. He certainly didn't want to bump into Lucas' parents, and Lucas seemed to share the same thought.

"Do you want me to leave then?" Asked Ryan. Lucas nodded apologetically.

"You have to. My parents will kill me if they know I brought someone over to an empty house." He paused in thought. "You'd better go out the back."

"Is that... easy to do?"

"I mean, you'll have to jump the fence but there's an alleyway that leads to the garages. You can get out there." Ryan agreed and quickly buttoned his shirt back up before going downstairs. He went into the kitchen dining room where he knew the back doors were. Lucas followed to make sure his parents stayed out of the kitchen while Ryan escaped because they'd definitely be able to see him in the garden if they looked out of the glass doors.

Jumping the fence was easy for him and he was over in a second. He landed in the alleyway and followed it to where the garages sat. The driveway into the area led back onto the street and Ryan swiftly crossed the road as he walked past Lucas' house on the way home. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and his head was bent down towards the pavement. He felt rather unsatisfied with the day's events but he thought better than to brood over it for too long since it could have gone worse. At least he got a pretty good make out session out of it.

Once he had returned home, Ryan planned to go straight up to his room and spend the rest of the evening on his computer, but Mike caught him in the hall and told him he had a visiter.

"Who?"

"That boy Charlie was working with a few months ago."

"Thomas?"

"That's the one." Ryan looked at him, confused, but Mike didn't have any answers and simply directed him to the kitchen. Ryan went, wondering what on earth Thomas needed to see him for. Thomas was sitting at the dining table and didn't notice Ryan walking in since once again he was being ambushed by the others. Candi-Rose appeared to be flirting with him in such an unsubtle manner that all Thomas could do was laugh nervously. Ryan tried to hide his surprise at seeing him so unexpectedly, but his mind was preoccupied on the fact that his couldn't have been more typical, so he ended up greeting Thomas more abruptly than he had intended. Thomas didn't seem to notice though and very quickly stood up, clearly grateful to finally be away from Candi-Rose's incessant giggling and eye-batting.

"Hey," said Thomas. "Can we talk?" Ryan nodded without thinking, wanting to move away from the listening ears of everyone around them. Ryan led Thomas to the little alcove hidden within the trees where the bench was. Everyone sat here when they wanted to be alone, or talk privately; it was physically impossible to be seen, even from the garden, unless you knew where to look, and Ryan was sure that this was going to be a conversation he didn't want overheard. If it wasn't important, Thomas would have just texted him.

Ryan expected him to start talking immediately about why he was here, but Thomas was looking at him. More specifically, at what he was wearing.

"Why are you dressed like that?" He eventually asked. Ryan looked down at himself self-consciously.

"Like what?"

"All smart."

"It's just a shirt." And it was just a shirt. It was a nice shirt, yes, but why did Thomas care?

"Charlie said you were at the skatepark. That's not what you'd wear to the skatepark." Ryan didn't really know how to respond. He couldn't help but think Thomas was being unnecessarily picky. What did it matter what he was wearing, whether he was at the skatepark or not?

"How do you know I didn't wear it to the skatepark?"

"Because why would you? Unless you're trying to impress someone..."

"You're being weird. What did you even want to talk about?" Thomas started at him as if he wasn't going to answer, but seemed to decide better of it and moodily explained:

"I broke up with Emma." He looked down at his feet, almost angry looking. Ryan didn't say anything. He supposed he was shocked to hear the news, but then, it was just a break up. They could have broken up over anything; he didn't know why he was involved.

"Oh," was all he could really offer. "Sorry to hear that." Ryan felt a bit awkward, and Thomas wasn't saying anything, so he felt like it was kind of up to him to break the silence. "Why did you break up?" He asked.

"Oh... you know. It just, wasn't working out." Ryan was starting to get irritated. So far everything Thomas had to say didn't seem important enough for this setting. Perhaps if they were closer the whole breakup thing would initiate more of a conversation. But they weren't. So the conversation dried up pretty quickly.

"So... is that all?" Said Ryan. Thomas shook his head but refused to elaborate. Ryan sighed. "Any day now would be great-"

"Why are you lying?" Ryan stopped short. Thomas was finally looking at him.

"Lying about what?"

"About where you were."

"I was at the skatepark!"

"No you weren't, but if you're covering it up then you went somewhere you don't want me to know about." Ryan didn't like this level of interrogation, but he'd finally worked out that Thomas was onto him about Lucas. Obviously Thomas had no idea who Lucas was, but he'd guessed that there was certainly something going on with Ryan, perhaps involving someone else. And Ryan's first instinct was to completely deny anything that Thomas was suggesting, but at the same time he knew it would end up being a pain in the arse to hide it. He sighed.

"Where do _you _think I was?" He asked it as a genuine question, not rhetorical. Thomas took a second to answer.

"I think you were with someone." He looked at him, and for once Ryan wasn't able to bring himself to lie. He stared guiltily at the floor, though he wasn't sure why. Yes he was with someone, but surely for all Thomas knew it could've been anyone. However, the way Thomas was talking, it sounded like he'd guessed that whomever Ryan had been with was more than just _someone_.

"Yeah, I was with someone."

"A guy?" Ryan nodded, and Thomas nodded back as if he'd already known the answer, which, as things were going, it seemed like he did.

"You were on a date then?" He continued. Ryan awkwardly placed his hand on the back of his neck.

"I guess you could call it that."

"Well, what would you call it?"

"... a date," he conceded.

"Right." Ryan hated this. He hated being put on the spot by someone who so clearly had him figured out. He wasn't used to that; he was usually the one to catch people out and interrogate them with questions he already knew the answer to, and he was adamant that Thomas had no right to speak to him in this way.

"So what if I was on a date? I'm allowed, aren't I?" Ryan said heatedly, despite knowing full well what the problem was. He'd finally worked it out, though to an extent he'd already known the whole time what the problem was, which explained his awkwardness throughout. The problem was he was being one hell of a hypocrite. And Thomas wasted no time in letting him know.

"You were on a date with someone, even though you turned me down for the sole reason that you didn't want to date anyone." Thomas was stood up now and Ryan realised that if anyone was listening (a common occurance in this place), they'd easily be able to hear everything that was being said.

"Keep your voice down!" Ryan hissed, and despite his anger Thomas surprisingly obeyed: he continued in a near whisper.

"I was fine to give you up when I thought you just weren't ready for a relationship, and then not even a few weeks later you're already looking for one and you didn't even talk to me-"

"I wasn't looking for a relationship!" Ryan interrupted, feeling like he needed to defend himself. "I swear, I didn't want anything serious. Just because I can't have a boyfriend doesn't mean I can't be... _involved _with a guy, and I didn't ask you because I thought you _did _want something serious, and I wouldn't have been able to commit." He thought his explanation was pretty reasonable and amazingly it was the whole truth. Thomas looked a little less angry. He was fiddling with his hands and his gaze was lowered to the floor. He appeared to be searching for an answer.

"How do you know I wanted something serious?" He eventually said, and his tone of voice had completely changed. It was softer now, and Ryan wasn't expecting it, so he faltered slightly as he spoke:

"W- what do you mean?"

"You could've asked me, is what I'm saying."

"So you... don't want anything serious?"

Maybe, but... I don't really care. I'm only sixteen, how serious can it be?" He laughed nervously. Ryan wasn't sure where the conversation was leading to, but the atmosphere had shifted quite a bit and he could only assume that Thomas was starting to forgive him, if only slightly.

So you're not mad anymore?" Ryan asked hopefully.

"I am a bit but, I kinda see where you're coming from I guess... what was the guy's name?"

"Hm? Oh, uh... Lucas."

Did you kiss him?"

A little, I guess."

Right." Thomas looked like he was ready to leave, he even turned back towards the direction of the house, which worried Ryan considerably because if this was the end of the conversation then he now had no idea where their relationship stood after this. Were they friends? More than friends? Less than friends?

But it wasn't the end of the conversation. Or at least it was but... not in the way that Ryan could imagine.

Thomas turned back around, hesitated for a second, then lifted his head up slightly, and kissed him.

* * *

**AN:**

Fun fact: I hated this chapter. Mainly cos it was a pain in the arse to write, especially the ending, so if you think it's shit dw, I completely understand.

Also, was not intending to introduce a new OC, it just... sort of happened. Originally I was going to write a more conventional storyline, something that Justice suggested about Ryan and Thomas emailing each other, which I even started to write, but I wasn't able to get past the beginning for some reason, I just didn't know how to play it out. In fact I write like three beginnings before I settled on this one, which is why it took so long. Anyway, Lucas was really only for this chapter though he will be briefly mentioned next chapter. But I hope you like him anyway.

Hm, what else... Blake's is actually a cafe in Newcastle, I looked it up (don't tell me I don't do my research), and it is on a street called Grey's street.

I think that's it, sorry if Ryan is still a bit OOC in this chapter. I had to make him like that bc lets be real if he was completely in character these relationships would never progress.

Also, how are y'all coping with quarantine? Last time I published the coronavirus was barely a thing... how times have changed.

Aight, time to reply to your really old reviews (Again, I apologise for how long it's taken).

**Dark Heart 945**\- Luckily, Thomas didn't cheat on Emma! I made sure of that bc I would've hated it to. Hopefully Thomas breaking up with her was good enough, and again sorry that Ryan was OOC last chapter, and probably a bit in this chapter too. It was necessary in order for the story to progress, but hopefully he'll be back to normal soon lol.

**Justice 237**\- yeah I knew when I was writing it that reading someone's favourite books was definitely some kind of trope, but I'm glad you liked it at least! It would be great to write a scene where Thomas does the same, and maybe I'll be able to fit it in eventually, though I don't imagine Ryan has a very long list of favourite books.

Tbh, I wouldn't recommend watching film adaptations of Hornby's books, they're very rarely accurate. He's a good writer though, and has a real Ryan vibe: very much British, dry-wit humour and a lot of sarcasm. My favourite books are About A Boy and Funny Girl. In fact About A Boy has been a main influence on not only this fanfiction but my writing in general, so I owe a lot to it.

Aw, I'm glad you liked that Latin scriptures line. I'm not gonna lie even I kinda laughed at it. I'm glad I was able to add personality to it.

I love everything you described, and unfortunately I wasn't really able to do the email thing but tbh maybe I can fit it in in later chapter as their relationship progresses. We'll see. I'll definitely try my hardest to write some of those, I like the ice cream in the skatepark. Very cute.

The Emma thing was pretty hard, and honestly I'm concerned that there wasn't enough to it, just with Thomas mentioning that he broke up with her. I might be able to go into more detail, maybe Thomas explaining to Ryan more why he broke up with her, so we'll see.

Anyway, thank you so much for this review! I hope this chapter was good enough. x

**CharlieSmarts12**\- Thank you for the review, I really liked it. Yeah, Ryan was pretty out of character but I really didn't have much choice since I couldn't think of a way to progress the relationship without Ryan being a little less... well, Ryan. But I'm glad it wasn't completely unbelievable, I mean there is certainly a caring side to Ryan. Look at that episode where he saved Harry and Finn from that foster home. He even gave Harry his jacket (a detail that killed me when I noticed it) so he can be a sweetheart when he wants to be. And it is like Ryan to do a gesture that relies on memory and luckily it wasn't too over the top which was what I was worried about. Anyway thank you again, your review was awesome!

**Chantelle Briggs**\- hey! I'm so happy to hear you've been binging this series, I'm very grateful for that. And I'm sorry this chapter took so long to update, but I hope you enjoyed it! x

Okay, last thing: chapters will be spread out since I have GCSE exams coming up now that they've been postponed till October, so I have even less time to write now, but I'll try my best!


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